13/12/2012

My feelings on 13/12/2012

Even though we all know we should value the good things in live above the bad ones, the truth is: life’s tough. And the bad things usually outshine the positive ones, so for every one bad thing, we need 50 to good ones to compensate. 

With this I can say that I feel like s**t right now. Because even though there are many good things occuring in my life right now, there is one major bad thing. And I suffer. I suffer quietly, alone. And it hurts. It feels like I have a knife in my heart and 100 needles in my throat every second I’m awake. 

And at night I twist and turn in my big, cold, empty bed, whilst I fight my way through nightmares, always searching for a dream which will light up a spark of hope in my life.

And I am vulnerable. I am vulnerable to the person I love. I am open, and he has the power to hurt me most. And I hate myself for this because… He doesn’t love me back. 

And he tries to act like he cares, but I can see past his feeble attempts to act like a decent human being, and he’s heartless. But yet I long for his heart. Which is completely contradictory, but I guess that’s what love is. It makes absolutely no sense, and right now I really wish I weren’t in love, because it is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. And its been over a month now and its worse than the first day of heartbreak. My heart just seems to be collapsing into even more pieces, until one day it will just have turned into dust, and it just won’t be there anymore. So for now I guess I’ll just be. I’ll just walk around this earth like a ghost, a long lost spirit of happiness, so faded it’s not visible to the human eye. 

And I will feed on hope. Hope for someone to see me and try to rescue me. Or for me to find myself. Just hope so that I don’t end up completely fading away to nothingness. Because that’s my biggest fear, not being loved, not even by myself.