Weasle: Part One

Story I wrote. this is only the first part. Note it is unfinished.

It was a cold winter day in New York City. Snow was falling lightly on the ground as I began walking down the busy streets. I remember the scene well, even though it has almost been 15 years ago. I remember that I was walking to school that was just a block away from my home. I was thirteen at the time and it was the first year I was allowed to walk to school.
 It was late November that day. It wasn’t a good day so far. My mom had left for work early so I didn’t eat breakfast, which made me grumpy. Then my brother decided he was sick and made me do everything for him. He always thought he was the boss but he wasn’t.
 As I walked I heard shouting the way I was heading near the school. I walked closer and saw a house with people carrying boxes walking in. A girl around my age was standing near the door. She had jet black hair and was wearing a black hat and jeans.
 “Hey you weasel! Get some boxes and take them in.” A man yelled. The girl went to the truck with her head down and grabbed a box. As she walked she limped a little. The man went inside leaving the girl alone. She put the box down and sat on it. She rolled up the sleeves of her white jacket and looked at her arms as if checking for something. The girl was cute and I felt as if I should talk to her.
 I remember feeling odd as I walked up towards her but now I see that it was the best decision of my life.
 “Weasel,” I said, “is that your name?”
 She looked up at me in wonder then out her head down again. “Yeah…it’s my nickname.”
 “Huh,” I said. “What’s your real name?”
 “Gabriela.” She said in a quiet voice.
 “Oh.” I said. I was still feeling a little foolish for talking to her.
 “I see that you’re just moving, right?”
 “Yeah.” I was realizing that Gabriela wasn’t a very talkative person or she was shy. I now know that it is the latter.
As I have informed you this all took place about fifteen years ago. Now that those years have passed I have learned much of “Weasel” or so I called her. Soon I realized that that name…. nah, I don’t think I’ll tell you that yet.
 Let me be clear on one more thing. This story that I am telling is not wanted to be a novel nor any other source of your entertainment. This is to be a true recollection of a story in which I experienced. I will write the thoughts of what they were at the time and inform you of what I now know what Weasel’s thoughts were. I’m not doing this for entertainment it is to inform others of the story of Weasel and why she did what she did. Do not, I repeat, do not confuse this as a little made up story.
 Now I will continue. We stood in silence for another moment and then I heard the bell of the school.
 “I’ll see ya!” I yelled and ran off to school. Weasel, Gabriela rather, did not say a word as I left. I was rather disappointed that she didn’t speak to me as I left but once I arrived at school I realized I might have another chance. Gabriela was in my school. I should have thought as much with her being just down from the school but I was rather stupi….deprived of common sense when I was thirteen.
She didn’t speak to me at first in homeroom. And yes that again disappointed me but I remember thinking why would she talk to me when I had only talked to her once. So I went to all of my classes and by some chance Gabriela was there. It was weird. I guess fate was on my side that day. Even after school by some chance when I began walking home she was right behind me. I finally took the hint and stopped to talk. At first all I said was “hey” and she didn’t respond. So I stood there waiting for a response then found none.
“You like school so far?” I asked. She looked back down and scratched her arms. She was wearing a white and black jacket with words I couldn’t read, tight dark blue jeans and a blue toboggan. She seemed to like dark clothes as far as I saw that day.
A long pause was filled with wind blowing and then she spoke softly. “Yeah, its okay.” Her arms must have itched a lot because she wouldn’t stop scratching them. It was odd watching her. She looked so acward standing in front of me. I knew that she probably didn't want to talk, I could tell that by the way that she was standing and the short responces, but for some reason that I couldn't explain I wanted to talk to her. she seemed like the most interesting thing all year so far. I didn't really have that many friends in school and I didn't really talk to anyone. At lunch I just sat alone by myself and ate in scilence. Nothing really interested me at all.
I stopped for a moment trying to think of something to say. There wasn't much I could say. I felt lost for words.
"So, your in a couple of my classes." I said quietly.
"Yeah, all of them I think." I shoved my hands in my pockets and then desperatly wanted to leave. The way she responded made me feel like she really, no desperatly, wanted to get out of where she was. And yet her eyes told me that she didn't want to be some where. Everything about her was confusing me at this moment.
"I guess I should go home now." I said. Weasle nodded and turned back towards the double doors of the school. I didn't look back as I walked down the street back towards my house.
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Author's Note

Ignore the grammar problems, tell me anything about the dialogue and descriptions.

Reviews

[ChloeKirk]

It's written decently, but I think you need to explain more why you are telling this story. Since you've made the disclaimer that this is all true then surely there must be a reason why this is so important. You don't need to come out and say it, but maybe put a little foreshadowing hook in there to keep the reader interested.

[Starting Over]

Loved it! I hope there is more to this. Such a beautiful write. Made me feel like i was watching the whole thing as it happened! Great job!

[Stephen Scaggs]

Oh wait, you said it is unfinished. Sorry. xD Never mind the length then.

[Stephen Scaggs]

Dear Mr. Watts,

A lot can be said but I particularly like how you set up your chapter. The concern I have for you is the length of this writing: if you're looking at a 200 page book, you'd want this to measure up in contrast... say you do ten chapters, make each chapter twenty pages long. Prologue is always welcomed in the story and should be wrote in such a way that it is preparing for chapter one. It captivates the mind of the reader and causes one to ensnare them into the confines of the book. That's what you want. So remember to write a pretty good prologue without revealing too much of the plot. These are vital. Anyways, I think the dialogue in the middle of this is a little clinched together and disrupts the flows as you read. Maybe break it up with them exclaiming something or doing something. And it's good you realized that you have grammatical errors, but always read through something before you hit submit. A chapter is only as good as the effort you put into it. You can also say that you should add a little more to the paragraph lengths, put a space between each paragraph to separate text for the reader. You have a good thing going here, Mr. Watts. I'd like for you to continue it. :P Deeply appreciated, bro. And thanks for sharing. 8.9/10.

Sincerely,
S. W. Scaggs

[Mason Watts]

FEEDBACK IS WANTED IN THE MOST HIGHEST WAY THAT I CAN ASK FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!1