Urchin R Kane

R Kane gets a case of a missing person who may or may not be alive. Suzi Lorraine hires him for the job.

It was one of the many days for me in Merriston with nothing to do. The weather at Merriston was at its best, no thunderstorms just the usual slight drizzle with a hint of fog. It is always cold and chilly here throughout the year. Hence today was what we can say the best that was to be offered. 

 

I decided to visit the nearby cemetery. My second most hated place in Merriston. First being my office of Private Paranormal Investigation. But there aren't many places that I like to go to either so I adjust. 

My name is Urchin Ronald Kane, private paranormal detective. I specialize in paranormal investigation, anything anywhere in Merriston goes spooky then I am the man for you. As of late however, I have gone with out any cases, not too many things happening in this town these days. The ghosts and ghouls seem to have made their peace with this haunted gothic town, may be even they realized that it's a boring place to be and they moved on, perhaps to haunt some other interesting place.

Actaully, I am not that interested in this Paranormal thingy but we Kanes have been doing this for generations, and after the death of my dad Donald Kane, I have taken the reins of the almost defunct family business.

  

I had a feeling though that this day was about to change and it did change. I was standing before that familiar gravestone. The names etched on the stone already fading away. But they never faded from my heart, engraved somewhere deep inside it.

 

Carrie Daniels it read. 

"My Carrie, my darling Carrie", I thought to myself when I heard a familiar voice calling out to me.

 

"Kane, Hey Kane." It was my assistant Benny Parks. He had a very shrill voice, very irritating but the bugger always stuck around.

 

I found him 4 years back. He was laying buck naked, then unconscious, bloodied and no where to go on the wretched streets of Merriston. Bloody muggers didn't even leave clothes for this poor schmuck. I took him in with me and he is with me since then. 

 

Persistent little bugger, could literally sniff me out from any part of the world. He came running to me fully drenched in rain.

 

"Kane, There's this lady, she wants...." he was gasping for air, taking in a deep breathe, he continued "...to see you."

  

"What lady??" I asked him.

 

"I don't know. She just came in. She said she wanted to meet you."

 

"Lets go then." 

Finally some work that will definitely take me off my a*s. It had been so long after the last case that this time I wanted to take it just to get rid of this slow life.

 

We started walking back towards my office, opposite to the graveyard. Not exactly a  beautiful place for an office but with the kind of money I made, I had no other choice.

 

35/C Night Blossoms. It doubled as my apartment and my office. We reached there in about 5 minutes. I could see a blue Cadillac, with a white top parked right before the gates to our apartments. From the looks of it, I could make it out that it was a new car. 

Everything looked perfect, I didn't like it. I am a little skeptical with things being perfect. Nothing is perfect. It always seems that way until you find that flaw, that little dent, that little scratch but it wasn't on that car. The car was perfect. Maybe something else was flawed.

 

Upon entering my office, I threw my coat on the hanger, removed my hat and moved towards my desk. I am not one of those you call a tidy person. Benny came behind me, and soon exited to the inner room.

 

"Mr Kane" came a voice inquiring from my left. It was one of the most beautiful voice I had heard in years. It reminded me of Carrie.

 

"Yes, I am Urchin Ronald Kane" I said as I walked towards my desk.

 

"Pleased to meet you. Miss...", there was a long pause as I saw a beautiful brunette. 

I have a certain affinity towards brunettes. Especially the ones like her, with long legs in a beautiful flower print yellow dress.

 

She was standing near the book shelf at the left corner of my office.

 

I went and sat at my desk. She followed and sat before me.

 

"I am Suzi Lorraine." she said.

 

It rang a bell in my head. I knew this name. I mean who didn't know Suzi Lorraine. The daughter of the Mayor of Merriston Graham Lorraine. But why was she here? What was she doing here sitting in front of me?  

 

I knew I would get the answers shortly but I couldn't wait for it due to my impatience.

 

"How can I help you? Miss Lorraine."

 

"Only you can help me Mr Kane." she said with pleading eyes.

 

I could see, she had blue eyes, and they were staring right at me.

 

"And How is that supposed to be, Missy" I enquired looking into her eyes.

 

"My brother Thomas has been missing for a week." she said

 

"I wouldn't be concerned if he was out for two - three days but this is different. He hasn't ever gone out for such a long time, no one knows about his whereabouts."

 

"So why come to me?" I interrupted her while reaching for my 5 cent coin and started tossing it. It was an old habit of mine, wasn't of any specific purpose but I think it made me look cool.

 

"I mean like there are the police and other investigators so why come to me?" I said again in a casual way while tossing the coin.

 

"I am afraid that he may be dead." she put it out straight. Her face trying to control her emotions which leaked out showing a deep concern.

 

I stopped spinning the coin and looked at her, gave her my most attentive look.

 

"I am afraid he maybe dead and I need to talk to him. There is something I want to talk to him about." she whispered slowly, her eyes filled with tears. It was a mixed feeling of genuine concern and anger.

 

I didn't say anything to her, just stared at her wondering what was so important that she had to reach even to the grave of her brother to get it. Must be something really important. Money, Property, Love for brother, what could it be?

 

"What do you want to say to him?" I tried to enquire

 

"None of your concern. I want you to just find him and bring him or his where about to me. You will be paid handsomely." she said with a stern angry face, her face changing instantly from the concerned to deep anger and tension.

 

"Here is his photograph and this is his diary.  This is all I have of him with me." she said and placed it before me on the table without me saying yes or no to accepting the case. 

 

The photograph showed a man in his  early twenties. He was wearing a navy blue tuxedo, slim, with almost the same face like hers. Except his eyes were brown. He had shoulder length hair neatly combed. And he was standing leaning on his car. On close viewing a cut mark could be seen on his head which looked like a crescent moon.

 

"I will see what I can do." I said trying to smile. I was bad at it, almost pathetic trying to smile. She didn't smile. She handed me a packet.

 

"It's $10000. Advance for your services"

 

Now the smile came more easily for me. I had never got this much money for a case. I could use the money. I was in need of it. Yet I maintained my most sincere look and bid good bye to her.

 

She left without saying another word. And I just stood there looking at the things in my hands. Left hand packet full of money. Right hand photograph and dairy of a missing brother.

 

I moved towards the window and looked at her as she entered that Cadillac. The engine revved off and she sped off in her perfect blue white Cadillac.

 

I thought to myself "It was all too perfect."

Author's Note

This is totally unedited, open to any kind of criticism as long as it helps. Please feel free to give your views and ideas. Ciao

Reviews

[Chris]

July of 1012 and last updated March 2014

"I decided to go the nearby cemetry." - to go (to?) - cemetery?

Two years of growth makes a large difference in personal techniques and writing skills. The first and second paragraphs will benefit from a slow and thorough re-view. Then the third and following paragraphs will realign and follow.

You are starting what can become a good tale or group of additional tales. The idea can work but only if YOU invest yourself. Readers don't have to turn the pages BUT they DO have to want to - if, you want them to listen. Little (author unintended) flaws are jarring and distracting, and really impact the flow of the story (for a reader). After a very short time - continuing flaws become frustration incarnate and a reader will put even a great novel (with a very compelling storyline) down. Intended flaws can add realism and further develop character interest ...but, the key becomes whether or not the reader "thinks" it IS intended for the "story" or an Ooops by the author.

I have edited - not rewritten - others' works. It is work. You need to do it for yourself first. I answer questions when asked. You take care.

Chris

[New Theory]

I will definitely work on it, this is the first draft only trying to complete the story that I have in my mind. But after I am done with the complete first draft I am going to edit it for its mistakes.

As I was not a regular writer and have started writing regularly since last month, I want to improve and be a better writer.

I will need a lot of help though I am willing to do the work and put in my time before asking you. Only if this is worth it I will ask for you to spend time so the time you spend on helping me wont be wasted in futile. Really grateful to you, your words of encouragement mean a lot to me.

I will finish this. :) :)

[Rachelle]

N.T., if you don't mind, I am editing this…...

[New Theory]

Not minding at all :).

[Rachelle]

Just erase this comment. Give me till tonight. Off to my broker's and then an afternoon with my mom. See you!

[New Theory]

See you soon :)

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Well, this certainly has an interesting premise. I can definitely see potential with this novel. The chapter had a very natural flow to it. I like it

[New Theory]

Thank you Speedy :)

[Eryn ♪]

Please edit the grammar and then message me. Right now it is very hard for me to not get distracted by sets of words while reading this chapter. I would love to read this though as the concept seems good.

[New Theory]

Your comment will be taken into due consideration, I will definitely rewrite and try to minimize the errors. I will do it after the first draft though. Thanks for dropping by though :) :)

[Stefanie Holmes]

"very irritating but the bugger always sticked around." 'sticked' should be 'stuck'

"I took him in with me and he is with me eversince." 'Took' is a past tense verb so the word 'is' should be changed to 'has been' to make the sentence completely past tense. Also you need a space between 'ever' and 'since'

"Kane, There's this lady, she wants" he was gasping for breath"to see you." You do not need a capital 't' in 'there's'

"I was not one of those you call a tidy person." 'You' should be the contraction 'you'd'

These were just a few errors I picked out for you, because you had similar instances of these errors throughout. I saw in your notes that this is an unedited version so, it definitely needs some proofreading and fixing. There are areas that need a comma instead of breaking your sentences up and making them choppy. There were areas where you had capital letters randomly in the sentence, so I wasn't sure if maybe you just bumped the shift bar by accident. Also, there are misuses in verb usage. You had a past tense in the beginning and then ended with a present tense, or vice versa. All easy fixes you just need to proofread through everything and make sure it sounds correct when reading (reading out loud to yourself can help with that). You can also incorporate some more details here and there, helping the reader to visualize what's going on in your story.
Overall I think this is a nice start, but you definitely have some room to improve... which can easily be done with some editing. :)

~Stefanie

[New Theory]

Thank you Stefanie, I will definitely try to correct out my errors. You have given me a valuable advice. :)

[Stephen]

Yeah not that bad but as a suggestion I wanna say, minimize the use of vulgar words because these're the stumbles in the journey of your writing but most of the time, it does depends on genres like in which genre you writing like erotic, romance and so on...
...
I don't know much about "Paranormal Genres" because I mostly do write in "Inspirational Genres" but the theme's not that bad.

Keep Writing!

[New Theory]

Thanks :), will definitely do a better job at editing it, when I rewrite it again. :)

[Vidya Bacchus]

This is really good Theory wow ,cool as can be paranormal detective is on the case.It kept me riveted till the end:)

[New Theory]

Thank you Vidya :). I love noir detectives, my attempt to do that, but a long way to go. But your words really provide inspiration and whenever I get bored or tired with writing, I can just click on your link and read one of your poems, its fun and refreshing always. :)

[Vidya Bacchus]

You are one of the sweetest persons ever.I really like your work.You must never doubt your writing abilities,One day they might put your novel right next to Stephen King and I will say I knew you way back when you were just a theory :)

[New Theory]

Thanks Vidya :). You are very kind.

[Vidya Bacchus]

You are welcome :)