Conquering The Hospital

 

Summer woke up in the hospital with her mother on one side of her phone attached to her ear as always. “Mommy, mommy, where am I?” she asked her mother. Looking around in an attempt to take in her surroundings as she had clearly set foot in a hospital let alone be admitted into one. Her mother scoffed, “would you wait one second” she asked the person on the other line, covering the mic before waiting for them to answer. “you’re in the hospital because you broke your arm and fainted. Rosita called me at work and told me and I was forced to very rudely cancel my plans for tonight to come get you fitted for a cast. Now you know very well when I am on the telephone not to interrupt me, this is a very important phone call summer and I implore you not to bother me again.” She looked at summer with eyes that could burn trough the thickest of steel walls and returned to her telephone. “Yes, Marie I’m back. I’m sorry about that, why I ever had children…” the rest of the conversation however was lost to summer as her mother had left her alone in the hospital room.

 

She looked around for something to do; it was a big white room that for all purposes looked very boring. It was right then that summer realized that she had an overwhelming need to go to the bathroom right now, and it most certainly could not wait until her mother returned from wherever she had gone. Jumping from her hospital bed, careful not to hit her new pink cast, she walked out of her room and into the hall. “I need to go potty.” She yelled very loud looking around expectantly. However she didn’t seem to have attracted the attention of anyone in the hospital. So she decided she would find the bathroom all on her own. She was six after all, and being six meant she was definitely old enough to find a bathroom.

 

Summer hadn’t gotten very far before she came to an elevator, “perfect” she said before stepping in and pressing every button on the console; as she had no Idea what floor was the bathroom floor in this building. There were a lot of buttons to push and they took her too many floors, however the floors seemed to be filled with sick people, rather than bathrooms. When the last button stopped glowing summer stepped out of the elevator and again decided announcing that she had to go to the bathroom would be best in this situation, as she had looked on every other floor.

 

“I HAVE TO GO POTTY” she yelled at the top of her lungs. Looking around, this time she saw a woman in a blue outfit walking towards her. “Miss, I really need to go potty and I pressed every button but there doesn’t seem to be one anywhere.” Summer said looking exasperated pouting out her lower lip slightly like she did when she wanted something from nanny. The woman looked at her a moment before saying “follow me.”

Summer did as she was told, making sure to hop on only the pink tiles as she did, as any other tile would have burned the soles off of her shoes being made of lava as they were. When they arrived at the bathroom she faced a dilemma. There were no pink tiles to walk on to get into the bathroom. “Miss, I’m sorry but I can’t go in there.” She said putting on her most serious look, which made her look slightly constipated. “And may I ask why” the nurse asked not looking slightly amused with her. “See miss, there are no pink spots for me to step on. And all the other color spots are made of lava. And if I step in them I will burn my feet off, so I can’t go in there.”

The nurse looked at her a moment before deciding that she had better things to do than watch a little girl who refused to walk on only pink tiles, and walked away. Summer pouted a moment before deciding that lava couldn’t hurt her if she didn’t step right on it. She then proceeded up the hallway to find something that could keep her safe from the lava.

 

Reviews

[Jake Donald Stephens]

"Summer woke up in the hospital with her mother on one side of her phone attached to her ear as always."---A little awkward, missing the comma.
My suggestion: "Summer woke up in a hospital bed with her mother at her side, phone attached to her ear as always."
And in the second sentence, I think "clearly" should be "never"?
But all in all, another great chapter, again so uniquely told from the six-year-old Summer's perspective. By now it's clear that she isn't normal, though very endearing, and I'm curious as to whether she has some kind of disorder? (I think you talked about it in your vlog, but I'm spacing out right now and can't remember).
Not that her mom cares or anything! Some people just have no business being parents!!
I have to say that I'm very hooked to this story right now. Great job with the way you're telling it! I have to go to an appointment right now, but I will definitely get back to this book as soon as possible.

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[mariah]

i have to say...i love your writing style. it very descriptive without over doing it, which alot of writers strugle with, but clearly not you. great job!

[The Old Ashes]

Well I'm going to slap her mom. When I get hospitalized, my mom moves into the hospital room with me on the couch and lives there as long as I'm in.
That being said.
As most everyone is telling you, the story is wonderful, the character is wonderful. I am glad I now know how old she is, I was WAY off, she's six.. that makes more sense. However, as most everyone is already stating, your problem is the English end of things. Which I'm going to help you with :)
She doesn't seem very girly for a six year old girl. At least my nieces and their friends that are that age are very very VERY girly. For some reason... Summer strikes me as an odd ball, or maybe even a tomboy? Maybe I'm wrong.
On to chapter three-- love your chapter title choices, by the way.
I love ya
100/100
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[Lorrie]

As the others have said, I like the story but you need to go back and neaten it up. Grammar, paragraph structure and such. Every time a different person speaks it should be a new paragraph. It helps the reader keep track of the story.
Your writing is sweet, you just need some technical help.
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[.quan.011.]

That's one mess up mother. This is a nicely written chapter. There are some grammar mistake, but Jake practically told you a some of them. Don't worry I make lot of grammar mistake when I write. Your written style is great and the flow is perfectly. I actually felt for Summer which I don't do usually do a lot of characters. I am hooked on this story can't wait to read the rest.

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[emily]

A very short chapter (again not to my taste) but more intriguing than the last. For me, Summer's mother is a serious point of interest, and the way you introduced her really made me want to know more about the life this little girl is leading. Once again, you hit the nail on the head describing certain aspects of childhood; who can't remember only hopping on certain tiles?

For the most part, critiques remain the same, dialouge separation and so on. Punctuation really got to me here, missing commas and such: "The nurse asked not looking slightly amused with her," for example should have one between "asked" and "not." But that can be fixed with really simple editing, if you really feel the need to remedy my grammar OCD.

Not perfect, but definitely readable. I'll for sure be continuing :)

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[melissa]

Like Jake said I am hooked on this book also I can't wait read the next chapter

[tynamite]

"made of lava as they were". You are a great writer. What more can be said. This book is creative. Summer is in her own world, and there seems to be something obviously wrong with her, if she is so immersed into a fictional fabricated world fixed upon the real world.

[Daydreamer54]

AW, so cute and inncent! makes me really miss childhood and I feel sorry for her because her mom oignored. her. :? what kind of mother does that?
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[Julie Beth]

I would just like to say i'm not a fan of her mother. If i were her mother i would cancle my plans and a heartbeat and make sure my child was okay. I would also not talkj on the phone in the hospital cause that would be breaking the hospital rules lol SUmmer is so cute and brave i would never be able to go out on my own in the hospital to look for a bathroom i'm to scared What i love the most about Summer is how creative she is with the lava that was cool awesome job :)

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