The Pain of Love

It was a cool autumn day for northeastern Indiana. Well, I'm not sure if I should say cool, it was the warmest I can ever remember the middle of November being, but it was by no means warm. A crisp November breeze blew my long golden curls wildly in the wind. The swing set I sat on creaked as the breeze blew the rusty swings back and forth ever so slightly. A storm was coming and I knew it. The clouds were dark and the bird’s songs seemed to be as sorrowful as death. I just sat there in the vacant park on the old creaky swing set and watched the leaves dance. I was slowly being drowned by my own thoughts; they were anchors chained to my legs.

The world was a colorful blur. A beautiful, yet sad blur. The leaves swirled and twirled, twisted and turned. The oranges mixed with the yellows, browns, and reds. It was absolutely magical in the saddest way, because they would eventually hit the ground and be forced to stop their dance. Everything had to end at some point, no matter how hard you tried to stop it from happening; no matter how much you wanted to keep it, everything slowly ends. The world seemed torn, just like me, wanting peace, but also wanting to let out the anger it was holding in.

Bzz! Bzz! I looked down at my vibrating phone to see a text from my boyfriend of fourteen months, Drew.

 

New message from Drew:

 

Where u @ r u ok?! Whats goin on?! Text me back ASAP! I'm worried about u babe

 

Received at 2:36pm

I let a single salty tear roll down my cheek. Everyone else in the world was absolutely oblivious to my feelings - my parents probably don't even know that I left, but not Drew. He's not perfect, but he's as close to it as anyone could ever get, he knows when I'm actually upset. I can lie to the rest of the world, but Drew somehow manages to see right past the lies that I tell him. I don't even have to tell him when I'm upset, it's like he's just knows. He knows my deepest secrets, and he knows my every wish, hope, dream, and desire for the future. But now, I'm starting to question everything I thought I knew. I'm starting to question if life will be okay. Does Drew really care for me, or is he lying like everyone else? What's going to happen in the future? Will Drew stay with me, or will he leave me as soon as he gets a chance?

 

New message from Kriss:

 

No I'm not ok, I'm crying and everything hurts so freaking mad babe!!! I want it to stop! I can't handle all of this! Life just... It sucks.

 

Sent at 2:37pm

 

I sat there and I cried no one but Drew and I came to this park, so I knew that no one would see me. Even if someone did see me I'm too drained, physically and mentally, to do anything about it. I waited for him to reply to send me some sort of sign that he cares about me. One minute, two, three, finally it had been fifteen minutes and still no text. I put the phone back in my pocket, only crying harder. I sat there letting the warm tears roll down my cheeks, and letting out everything I'd been holding in. Maybe Drew wasn't perfect; maybe he got tired of my drama too.

"Hey, what's wrong, beautiful?" I heard the familiar deep voice of my one true love coming up behind me.

"Hey," I said hoarsely wiping tears from my eyes with the sleeve of my hoodie; it was actually a hoodie that Drew had given me on our third date together.

"Come on. Kriss, what's wrong? A beautiful girl like you should never be this upset, now please tell me what's upsetting you? I want to help you." He took ahold of my hand and squeezed it tightly. As if he were afraid to let go. As if he were worried that if he did let go, I would slip away from him. As if he would lose me for good.

"Why does it even matter why I'm so sad? No one cares anyway! Hell, mom and dad probably don't even know that I left! I don't matter in this world! Everything would be so much better if I was never even born."

"Hey, don't say that baby. I care about you more than you'll ever know. You might not matter to the world, but you are my world, and you matter so much to me. If you were never born where would I be? Where would your friends, or your siblings be? Now what's wrong? I can't help you if you don't tell me."

There was no use trying to argue with him, he would eventually find out somehow, so I might as well tell him now.

"Nothing? Everything? I don't even know anymore. My parents are still fighting, and it's like their fights only seem to be getting worse each time, they’re fighting over the dumbest stuff all the time. Like, today they started fighting over- I don't even know- I think it was who was going to make dinner! I'm failing math so I'm getting called stupid and it just all hurts, I quit going to the public school so I wouldn't have to deal with all of this drama, but it just keeps getting worse people are still hating on me saying how I'm not smart enough to have to go to the public school."

I took a shaky breath then continued. "And dad keeps getting on my case about my grades, they honestly aren't that bad, and I don't know how go to work and get all of my schoolwork done, and it just sucks. I- I'm trying my hardest, I really am, but I don't know what else to do, oh, and worst of all Carmin keeps giving me hate saying how guys do- and always will- love each other, and how I'm not good enough for y-"

"Stop! Carmin? Don't listen to a word anyone, especially her, says, okay? You know she's a lying s**t! You know that she's jealous of what we have, babe. I love you and nothing will ever change that. Me and Carmin we're in the past sure me and her fooled around a few times, but that's it I didn't care for her like I do you. Yeah, I had feelings for her at one point, but now that I know how I feel with you I never want to go back to her, baby, you and me are all that matters right now. Don't doubt yourself when it comes to her, because I would rather have you over her anyway. I would choose you in a heartbeat. You have a great body, your funny, smart, and your sweet, most of the time. Even when you’re not being nice you’re adorable when your mad- the way you think you’re so tough, but never want to hurt anyone or anything. You scrunch up your nose, your just perfect. We'll get through this together, just like we do every other time. If your parents are fighting, they'll work it out; they always do, couples fight, you and me have gotten in plenty of fights and we're just growing stronger everyday.

"Plus, you failing math isn't that bad considering you do online college classes. You're a genius! You're sixteen and going to college; babe, think about it I dropped out of high school, I didn't even finish tenth grade. Sure I have a GED, but that’s nothing, I’m stuck in a dead in construction job, you have real opportunities out there for you. Baby, you're a genius sixteen year old. You're everything to me, so don't worry about anyone else; understand? You're f*****g perfect, and don't you dare ever let anyone tell you anything different, if someone starts saying s**t about you ignore them. Who gives a s**t what people think, haters are gonna hate, and there's nothing you can do about it, just don't listen to them, okay? You don't need that drama in your life right now. Do not listen to those people." He said very sternly trying to hide the angry tears in his glassy blue eyes. “All your crooked teeth, freckles, scars, all your moments when you think you screwed up, when you think you’re stupid, when you wear your sweatpants and don’t have make up on… Those are the moments that I love you most for. Those are the moments when I know I’m the luckiest guy on Earth.”

"Okay, I'm sorry Drew. There's just so much going on right now. I just needed someone to vent to. It's just so hard to deal with, especially since I need to be the strong big sister for Jake and Mia, I just need someone to be strong for me. I’ve tried being strong all the time, but I can’t anymore. Everything’s just built up so much, and I know one of these days I’m going to blow up on someone. A lot of times your strong for me, but I'm scared about losing you, because then I'd be on my own again. I feel like one of these days you'll get tired of putting up with me, and you'll leave me, and I just really don't want to lose you, I don't know what I'd do without you, you're the best thing to ever happen to me, I don’t think I could deal with losing you," I proclaimed sadly. I just told Drew my worst fear, and wasn’t sure what his reaction would be. My heart hammered against my ribs, as I watched him ponder everything I just confessed.

"Don't worry about losing me, it'll never happen. I love you too damn much to let that happen, baby. That and you'd miss having me around to annoy you. Think about it, I've stuck around with you this long. Might as well stay forever. Now c'mere," he said nodding his head once, motioning for me to come to him. I stood up off of my swing, and walked over to where he was sitting in the swing next to me, then I sat on his lap, and he wrapped his large hands around my waist. He buried his head in the crook of my neck, and I placed my hands over top of his, and we just sat there in silence.  Was thankful that he was able to make me smile with his cheesy remark of being around to annoy me, but I also was scared at his comment of forever. I loved Drew with all my heart, and couldn’t imagine ever being with anyone else, but we’re both so young. If he proposed though, I wouldn’t know what to say, I guess it’d just be a spur-of-the-moment thing, and I’d know what to say in my heart once the time came.

I knew he was right, we've been best friends for as long as I can remember. He was the one I told after I lost my first tooth. He was the one that I ran to when my first boyfriend broke up with me. He was the one that I used to sit in the tree house with. He's the one who was always there for me. He's been through everything with me. When him and Carmin started dating, we fell apart because she treated me like crap, but I never said anything to him about it, because I thought he was happy. Then I saw Carmin making out with some guy behind the bleachers, and I told Drew. At first he didn't believe me, and he got so mad for me for even saying it, he said that I was rude for lying about someone as sweet as her and spreading rumors like that, we quit talking, and those were the worst two and a half months I’d ever experienced. But then he caught them, and they ended. He told me how sorry he was for not believing me, and I said it was all right, but it really awkward for a while after that. Then one day a few months later when we were at the park he told me he had feelings for me, and we've been dating since then. Carmin’s with some guy, and has a kid now.

When he dropped out of school eight months ago we had another rocky patch because my parents frowned upon it, and so did his mom. Honestly, I wasn’t the happiest about it either, but I tried supported him with his decision. The only reason he ever even dropped out of school was to get more hours at work so he could help his mom pay the bills, and not have to worry about Carmin seeing me with him and starting a scene. I wanted to support him, but I knew he could do so much more than just a GED. He could’ve easily gotten accepted into any college, but now if he ever goes to college he’ll be stuck with a community college. We didn’t go to each other’s houses as much in fear of setting off our parents, and we talked on the phone less, it was maddening. Each day we went without speaking I felt a little more hopeless, and my chest caved in a little more.

His theory of that helping with the Carmin problem only backfired, she hated on me more than ever, and I couldn’t handle it. I went against my parents’ wishes, and just tested out of high school. They were furious when they found out, and blamed it all on Drew, but even if Drew didn’t drop out, I probably would’ve done the same thing. In my heart I knew it was the right thing to do, but my parents thought that it was utterly foolish. My parents said the only way that I could continue to live with them was if I went to some type of college, so I did online courses. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I got online for a few hours and did courses on law, business, and management.

At least fifteen silent moments passed before Drew finally spoke. "Hop up real quick," he said patting my sides lightly, after I stood up he followed suit. "Come with me," he held his hand out and I hesitantly intertwined my fingers with his.

We walked far away from the park and into the woods through a worn path, until the only thing that could be seen were trees. The sun started to peek out from behind the clouds as if letting me know that everything would be okay. I know that I should've been scared, but I wasn't. I was as calm as ever; isn't it strange; actually- how linking fingers with a certain person can calm someone down and make them feel peace with the world no matter what kind of situation they're in? No matter if their world is crashing down around them.

That melodious voice I had grown to fall in love with interrupted my thoughts. “We’re here.”

We stood on a small clearing surrounded on every side by trees. I looked around and saw a shallow river, it was completely clear, as if no one else knew that this place even existed, as if we were in some other third space. You could see the rocky bottom of the small stream, and see small fish swimming calmly, the sound of running water was blissful. The sun shone through the treetops casting mystical shadows. Flowers and butterflies were everywhere. The sun was shining, and the dark clouds seemed to have disappeared.

"It's beautiful," I whispered leaning into his shoulder.

"Yeah you are. I stumbled across it the day we started dating, I just kind of come out here whenever I'm upset or just need to think or clear my head for awhile. It's so peaceful." I blushed at his comment about being beautiful, but chose not to say anything about it. We sat on the ground against a tree trunk, me sitting in between his legs, my head resting on his chest listening to the soft steady beating of his heart, the birds chirping song, and the frogs deep croaks. He ran his fingers absentmindedly through my hair, and then started just playing with it. I wanted to be there forever, I wanted to be with Drew forever.

“Why did you come out here when we started dating?”

“I was a little freaked out that maybe it was just a spur of the moment feeling on your part, and that you would realize you didn’t want me like that.”

"Can I ask you a question?" I asked him turning my head so that I could see him.

"You know you can, baby."

I hesitantly asked him, unsure if I truly wanted to know the answer, "In ten years from now you'll be twenty-eight, right? Well, where do you see yourself then? In ten years, I mean? Like, what do you think you'll be like in ten years? Married, jobs, stuff like that?"

He wrapped his hands around my waist, and took a deep breath before answering me.

"In ten years? I think I'll be older," he joked.

"I'm being serious," I scolded.

"Okay,” he said taking in a deep breath. I see myself with a beautiful girl, no I see myself with the sexiest girl in the world. She's the type of girl that everyone's jealous of. All the girls in the world would want to be her, and I’d have to fight guys of her. Probably married, maybe a couple of kids, a baby on the way, a nice job, not the crappy construction work I do now, a big house, maybe that house down the street from me that you like so much, who knows I might even build my own house, I want a cool car, a few pets maybe. Why?"

"I just wanted to know where I fit into all of that, but you never once said anything about me. I just thought that maybe I- never mind." I don't know why, but he not saying my name when he thought of his future hurt me. It didn’t break my heart, but I was definitely in pain. After everything we’d been through I was expecting him to say he wanted a future with me not just some girl.

"I didn't say anything because it's obvious. You and me have been dating for just over a year now, and I couldn't ever let you go. I wouldn't ever want to. You're my life, and I don't want that to ever change. I want to have you in my life until life itself ceases to exist. I want you forever," he craned his neck and kissed my cheek. "You are my future, Kristen. Now and forever. Don't you dare ever forget that, you're mine, baby. You're stuck with me."

I laid back against his chest, and took in every word as if it would be the last words he ever spoke to me. Him saying that helped to ease my worries of where I fit into his future plan. Hearing him say those words helped me realize that we would be together forever, or at least for ten more years. I was suddenly so relaxed everything felt so right there in our special place. I slowly drifted to sleep listening to the soft steady beating of his heart. The soft drumming made my eyes grow heavier and heavier with every breath I took.

"No she's sleeping," my eyes drifted open, but as soon as I realized Drew was on the phone I shut them and listened. "Yeah, I can see if I can go over to her place for a bit or something? I'm sure she won't have a problem with that." Who was he talking to? "Yeah, I do love her. I know I've never been this serious about any other girl. There's no way to explain it, like, Carmin was just, like, a lust, I just wanted to sleep with her, and mess around. I know that's not something you probably want to hear, but oh well. I thought I loved her, but now I know that that wasn't love that was just, different. Kriss, she's different from any girl, I've never felt this way before I just don't want to screw this up. I really don't know what it is about her, but I love this girl with every inch of my heart." My heart literally skipped a couple beats when he said this, and I had to fight the urge to smile; which -trust me- wasn't even remotely easy. "Yeah, alright see you at home- I will, I plan on asking her tonight- God, I hope she says yes. Love you too sis, bye," I felt his arm snake back around my waist.

"Beautiful, I know you're awake," he said in a deep, husky voice. I didn't know what to say, so I just let out a small nervous giggle.

"How long was I asleep?" I asked stretching out very awkwardly to keep from hitting Drew.

"About two hours, babe," he answered as he rubbed my shoulders lightly.

"So, what was that all about?" I asked.

"It was Megan; she was wondering where I was so I told her I was with you, then she told me to ask if I could go hang out at your place tonight because apparently mom has to go host that book club thingy again, so I told her I'd ask. Can I go to your place tonight?" He questioned.  

"She said you needed to ask me something?" I questioned.

"It's nothing, Love," he assured me. "So, can I go to your place later?"

"Yeah you know you can come over, Jake was actually asking about when he could see you again this morning. I think he misses you. I'm just happy you and him get along so well."

"He's a cool kid, plus he's your little brother. I kinda have to get along with him; for your sake of course. I'm joking he's a really cool kid, and I still need to teach him how to play football," he teased. "Love, I hate to say it, but we better get going if we want to make it to your place in time for dinner."

"You're right, let me call my mom, and tell her we're on our way home." I stood up and paced a little as I dialed my mother's phone number. The phone rang once, twice, then three times, and I was sure that it was going to go to voicemail, but then I heard the line click.

"Hello?!" She practically shouted. By the way she was yelling I could tell that she and my father were still fighting.

I pulled the phone away from my ear a little, "mom, it's me," I said, as Drew remained seated at the base of the tree trunk.

"Hey, sweetie, what's up?" She sounded embarrassed.

"Nothin' I was just wanting to tell you that Drew and I were heading home now."

"Drew's with you?" There was a loud crash in the background.

"Yes mother. Don't worry nothing happened, we'll be there in, like, I don't know, half an hour," I shrugged, and started to make funny faces at Drew to kill the boredom in the air.

"All right, love you. See you soon." Another crash.

"Bye mommy," I giggled then I hung up, and put my phone in my back pocket.

Drew and I continued to make faces at each other and laugh for what felt like forever.

The sun was starting to set behind the trees when I finally said, "We should get going."

"Alright, come help me up," Drew said with a puppy dog look plastered on his face. I walked over to where he was seated and held out my hands, which he took. I pulled Drew up successfully, but then lost my balance falling on my back with Drew landing on top of me, he caught himself so that he wouldn't be putting all of his weight on me. He had his hands on both sides of my head, and his body was pressed firmly against mine.

I could feel his breath on the skin of my neck, which gave me goose bumps, his cologne, his blue eyes contrasting with his jet-black hair. The thing I noticed the most was his lips. I leaned my head forward and pressed my lips harshly against his. I didn't even give him a chance to react before I kissed him again. The butterflies slowly came fluttering into my stomach, and then it was a full on stampede. The kiss felt like it lasted an eternity, but it still wasn't long enough, the kisses that he and I shared never seemed to last long enough; it was rough, passionate, sweet. That kiss wrapped up everything that I had ever felt. Although that kiss wasn't our first it still gave me butterflies like crazy, every time we kissed I got those stupid butterflies. Yet I couldn't get enough of them. He laced one finger through my hair, and deepened the kiss. He kept one hand in my hair, but slowly slid his other down my side to the top of my jeans.

"Babe, I love this, but we have to get going," I said pushing him away lightly.

"You're a tease," Drew said flashing that sexy half smirk. We got up and walked hand in hand back to my house. The sun was setting lower casting shadows all around the old brick home I've grown accustomed to. We started to make our way up the steps, but both stopped dead in our tracks when we heard my mother's voice shout, "I'm done Richard! I can't do this anymore!" A second later the door flung open to reveal a red faced, teary eyed, tired looking mom- my mom. She didn't even seem to notice me standing there; she walked right past us, got in the car and drove away as fast as she could.

I took a step toward the door, and then another. I walked through the threshold and saw a sight that broke my heart. My younger sister Mia was in her playpen wailing, her face was red and tear stained. Her brown hair was matted to her head. Jake was curled in the fetal position on the floor with his earbuds in blasting music. He held a pillow to his head, and had his eyes clenched shut. I shook my hand free from Drew's grasp, and hurried over to Mia. I picked her up, and did my best to calm her down, but I couldn't even keep myself calm.

"Drew, please try to calm Jake down," I said on the verge of tears. I was so overwhelmed, Mia was still crying, Jake had a pained look on his face, and I still had yet to see my dad. Isn't it weird how houses can look so peaceful, and yet have so much going on inside them?

"Hey, bud," Drew, said as he sat down next to my little brother, and lightly shook his shoulder. His body made the twelve year old look so small. He and Drew had always had a special connection that I didn't understand, it seemed that they knew what the other person was thinking just by the look on their face. They seemed like they were related more than Jake and me were. Drew and Jake talked quietly while I: 1) tried to look for my dad, 2) tried to shush the crying one year old in my arms, and 3) tried to calm my rapid breathing.

I went through the entire house, and the only sign of my father ever being there were the crushed beer cans on the floor, "Jake's calmer, the poor kid heard them fighting. He said that for the first time in his life he was actually afraid of your parents. He was more afraid of your mom than your dad. According to him the only time your parents quit fighting was when you called. Well, that's the only time they quit yelling, your dad starting throwing the dishes then, and then your mom tried to shove him, and it sounds awful. Your mom left... which you know, and I guess your dad took off out the backdoor right after your mom stormed out," Drew said taking Mia from my arms and expertly calming her.

My mind was scattered; everything hurt so bad. My parents really hurt us, and who knows when they'll come back? Who knows if they'll come back?

"Everything's going to be fine, Kriss. I promise you." Drew said laying a now sleeping baby in her playpen, and covering her tiny body with her favorite pink blanket.

"Drew?" I asked finally finding my voice.

"Yeah," he answered coming over to me.

"Will you please stay with me tonight? I don't think I could stand to be by myself. A lot's happened, and if you don't want to stay that's fine, but I really want you too," I said, hugging him tightly.

"Of course, let me call my mom and tell her, so that she's not waiting up all night for me." He kissed the top of my head, and rubbed circles on my back.

He called his mom, and explained everything that happened briefly, leaving out the beer cans, my parents leaving, and such. After he hung up he walked over to where I was sitting cross legged on the floor, "I'm sorry, for, everything," I said ashamed.

"Babe, calm down it's fine, we're in this together. Now you sit here, I'll make the kids dinner," he said.

"You don't have to, I can do it," I protested.

"I know I don't have to, but I want to. You've had a long day."

"Thank you," I said truly grateful that I had Drew in my life.

He retreated to the kitchen where he made macaroni and cheese and hotdogs. Jake and Drew ate everything, I wasn't hungry, and Mia ate some cheerios.

They were sitting in silence in front of the TV, while I tried to clean the house up. After they got done eating, Jake went to his room, and Drew put Mia back in her playpen.

"Now get some sleep you have to go to work in the morning," he said in a soft, gentle tone as he took the garbage bag out of my hands. There was a look in his eyes that I didn't recognize, sadness maybe? I’d seen him sad when we were younger and his parents divorced, but this look wasn’t the same. This look made him look fragile, not the tough guy I’d grown up with.

"Fine, let me go put the kids to bed, and then we can sleep. If you want to you can go ahead and head to my room. I'll be there in just a second," I said picking Mia up out of her playpen, and cradling her sleeping figure in my arms. I slowly walked up the stairs, and placed her in her wooden crib. I turned her nightlight on, and kissed the top of her head ever so lightly.

I walked out of her room, and made my way to Jake's.

"Hey, buddy," I said showing fake enthusiasm.

"Hey," he answered blankly taking out his ear buds.

"You need to go to bed, Drew said he'd stay the night and stuff, so just try to get some sleep okay, kiddo," I said ruffling his light brown locks.

"Kriss?" He asked his voice growing very serious.

"Yeah," I answered.

"You promised that you'd always be there for me when I need you, but today when dad and mom were fighting... you weren't there. I needed you. I had to protect Mia, and it's not fair. You said you would always be there so I didn't need to worry about growing up, but today. Today, I grew up. You just left, like they did, and they aren't going to come back," the pain in his voice was clear as day. As I looked at the little boy I realized just how alike we were, and it scared me. He shouldn’t need to put on a brave face, and pretend to be an adult; he has me to do that for him, so that he doesn’t have to.

"Jakob Ethan Miller! I'm so sorry, but you need to realize that I might leave you for a while, but I will always come back for you and Mia. You can always count on me, even if everyone else in the whole world leaves I'll be right by your side through everything. I'm your big sister, and you better believe that I would take a bullet for you or Mia. You guys mean more to me than anyone in this world, even Drew, if I had to choose between you two or Drew, it would break my heart, but I’d say goodbye to him without even having to think for a second. I only left today because I knew if I didn’t I would've done something dumb, and made things worse Everything's going to be okay, I promise." Why was I telling him everything would be fine when I couldn't even convince myself of it?

"Try to get some sleep, I'll see you in the morning." I waited for a reply, but it never came, he just tucked himself under his blanket and rolled over so I couldn’t see his face. I slowly stood and made my way toward the door, I took one last look at him, and slowly walked down the hall. Drew was lying sleepily on my bed, his eyes fluttered when I shut my door, but they never opened. I slid my tennis shoes off, and then my socks. I looked over to where Drew was sleeping; he looked so peaceful. I tugged my jeans off, and put on a pair my shorts, then I took off my hoodie, and replaced it with a tank top. After I brushed my teeth I carefully climbed into bed next to my sleeping boyfriend.

"That was more than a second," he said groggily as he threw an arm over me.

"And I thought you were asleep," I answered curling into his side using his chest as a pillow.

"No, I wanted to wait for you. It's hard to sleep in your bed without you in my arms. What took you so long?"

"Oh, Jake and I had to have a little talk. It's no big deal baby; just- lets go to sleep. You look really tired, and like you said, I have to go work early in the morning," I yawned. I put my head in the crook of his neck, and laid there next to him.

He opened his mouth to say something, but must have realized that I needed a subject change and stayed silent. My heart swelled at Drew not pressing on the matter. Him not walking on eggshells around me made me feel amazing.

Drew's breaths became slower and steadier. He really was asleep, but I couldn't sleep there was too much going on. It was like I wasn't asleep, but I wasn't quite awake either. It seemed as if I was in some weird sort of trance. I was scared right then, no terrified. I knew that nothing would ever be okay again, I told Jake that things would be okay, but I knew they wouldn't and that makes me a liar. Things might be okay, but they would never be the same. I had to be strong for Jake and Mia. They needed me; they needed their big sister now more than ever. Being wrapped in Drew's arms, listening to his quiet heartbeat helped to calm me down a little, but I was still pretty freaked out from the whole ordeal.

My parents fights have never been this bad, I never actually thought that they would just leave us like this! What's going to happen if they don't come back? I can't raise two kids; I'm still a kid. I couldn’t manage a relationship, work, school, and two children. There are laws that could get us all taken away and put in foster homes if anyone ever found out about this. If it actually comes down to it, I would drop out of school. My eyes began to water as I continued my plan for the possible future, I would say good-bye to Drew.

After listening to thudding of Drew's heart I started to drift to sleep. Not a super-heavy sleep. It was more of a light sleep, to where any noise would've woke me, but even though it was that kind of sleep I loved it. I was dreaming of my future, love and happiness. My parents were there, Jake and Mia were full grown, and they had the biggest smiles on their faces; Jake had an absolutely beautiful girlfriend holding on to his arm, and Mia looked so beautiful. She was wearing a sundress and looked to be about nineteen. I was holding the cutest little baby girl in my arms. She had bright blue eyes, and little blonde stubs of hair poking up from her head, she was wrapped in a pink blanket, Drew was standing behind me smiling, and everything was okay again.

It was as if none of this day had ever happened. But, is that possible now? So much has happened in the last twelve hours, and I don't think I'll ever be able to forget it. I want to forget this entire day, but I don't think I'll be able to. I want to forget all about my parents fighting, I want to forget about my breakdown, I want to forget my parents leaving my siblings all alone, I want to forget everything that happened today.

I just wish I could go back to the river, back to that third space, back that peace and calm, back to being held in Drew's arms before any of this happened. Back when things were simpler before my parents’ fights when I was drunk in love, and clueless about all the bad in the world. I wanted to go back to being young and innocent.

If it weren't for Jake, Mia, and Drew I probably would've run away by now, but I have two siblings to protect, and a loving boyfriend that I'd miss. No, I would still run away, but I would just take them with me. I'll just have to put on a brave face and continue on with life just like I always do. I mean, what else am I supposed to do? Cry for the rest of my life? No, I have to be strong. I have to be brave. I have to be the older sibling. I need to be there for Jake and Mia. They shouldn't have to grow up yet, so I'll do everything I can to keep them as young and innocent for as long as possible. They need to know they can lean on me anytime, and Mia won’t remember any of this, but it still matters to me.

Author's Note

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Reviews

[BBP]

I really liked your layout. The details, especially in the beginning, paint such a vivid picture, you can feel the cold and see the beauty of the fall weather.