What is Wrong with Your Focus?

An early morning session of self-therapy.

by me for me, to be read by any

Here we are again, 5 am after a splendid night of tossing and turning. I take a step outside into damp, muggy Florida air, taking a nice slow breath in. The world is beginning to stir while I stand around wondering if my stew is done yet.

Everlasting regret pains my heart, but at this point has me feeling mostly numb. My patience is running thin, like my blood. Fleeting moments of joy overshadowed by a massive debt keep me unfocused. I cannot let myself feel comfortable, I might lose everything, and not even on my own whim. How can I do so much yet achieve nothing anyone will recognize? How is it that everything I take pride in, everything I exasperate my mental capacity on, anything I waste my life getting the details right on, goes unnoticed?

A better question is, “Why does it matter so much that other people approve of you, how old are you?”.

I expect much better from myself, so much so that it shouldn’t go unnoticed. I suppose I might be trying too hard, it’s mostly in my own head. Maybe I expect more out of others than I consciously perceive I do. Maybe I’m more worthless than I think. It’s difficult to focus on how I am received by others, it hasn’t had to concern me much up until recent times. I’m afraid I’m too far strange to be qualified as an average person, in the eyes of average people. I’m afraid I’ll continue to lose jobs without much warning, leaving me to wonder if it’s just my strange demeanor and quirky attitude that shied them away.

  Don’t blame yourself too much, and don’t beat yourself up over things you didn’t know, things you couldn’t know. Things you don’t, and probably never will know. Do you want to regret time here as well?

But if I don’t kill myself over the flaws, someone else will. I think it’s better to take things by the reins myself, but how much pain can I take from myself, and the karma built up against me? It’s my fault after all, I don’t receive anything I didn’t earn. Poor choices, impulse decisions, ‘impress the girl’ purchases, ‘treat yourself’ snacks; all of it racks up the shame in my soul. I have nothing, I am yet another simple idiot barely keeping my nose above the cold water. I could easily live this bland life of self-destruction, both physical and mental. I cannot do it with so many outside voices to focus on. What do I want? Sex, money, privacy. Other wants come with money, but what do I want? Ten dollars an hour of steady labor work? Not really. I don’t want to have to try so hard. I want less and less to think about. The more I gain, the more I want to reject, the less I want to achieve. There’s already too much going on, yet there’s nothing going on. I’m so lost in creating problems for myself that I cannot solve anything. It seems better off for me to die in some car accident, or while leisurely biking somewhere, then it is for me to live on creating problems for myself and my world.

But everyone needs you, they aren’t complete without you. You are so hard on yourself, it must be difficult to be this hard on yourself while you’ve got so much abrasiveness in your world. Why not lighten up a little, take the blows as they come, and just try to not make similar mistakes? Laugh a little, these issues won’t be issues next year, let alone next month.

Yes, it is probably more difficult for me to function while battling myself and the world, but if I let myself off easy the behavior will just continue, will it not?

 

I suppose so, but where does it end? When do you stop making mistakes? When will you grow up past self-hatred and the miserable cycle of stress? How can you beat yourself up now, for lack of understanding before? How are you expecting yourself to be able to move forward when you are so set on killing yourself over the past? You’ve come so far yet still decide to fall back on old practices that you and I both know don’t solve anything. Maybe you should stop thinking about what is wrong with you and start focusing on what’s right with you. It seems like maybe you’re more upset with your vision of how things should go/should have gone, rather than being upset with how things went. You’ll get nowhere by beating yourself down inside and out. Your integrity is lacking. Your focus is lacking. 

Author's Note

Simply sharing thoughts.