Good on a College Application

"It looks Good on a College Application" I heard that phrase so many times today

I'm only 14, why do you even care yet?

Were being prepared for real life

So, does that mean this is fake?

Not life, just a free trial?

Getting an education is a competition I didn't agree to enter

I was blindsided

Is there an exit button?

Or, maybe even a start over? That could be nice

Wipe it all clean 

Too just try again

Make different Mistakes

Because I used to think in normal ways

to count the days on a calendar, Including every one

But now I count in Test dates

In project due dates

in anything related in school

In time limits instead of days

I don't know which is heavier my backpack or my eyelids

I'm sleep deprived and losing weight

I don't know which is worse anymore

The anger at myself for failing

or the sadness of everybody else

I just want to go home

and sleep

I want to let my self be okay

To eat a solid meal for the first time in weeks

but I cant

and not because you think

Not because I'm at school I would leave if I really wanted to

I cant because I physically cant

I want to go do all of those things

I really do

I want to heal, to get better

I literally can't force myself to move in that way

because it's getting bad again

I'm losing more and more sleep

I'm eating less and less

I'm more disconnected from the world than ever

I haven't stopped shaking in days

I don't know what to do

But this isn't about loving life

It's about living until you do

I'm not asking you to see the hope in your darkest hours

I'm asking you to give it another chance

even if it takes 10,000 more one more chances

until your, happy and excited about tomorrow

those 10,000 days will be worth it

If you can only just get there

force yourself out of bed every morning

until you wake up thinking you can't wait to get up

Author's Note

This is the first thing I've posted in a while...