Hold the Sun For You

I’ll do anything to see your smile again, if  could hold the sun and let the light seep back into youI would without question…. That would be such a blessing… your light shines down from the sky, even though you’re on the other side.

When I see the sunshine, I’lll know that it’s you… holding the sun would be a dream come true… it’s the light that’s able to see through, all the darkness that I feel… announcing your presence to show e that it’s real… craving for a sign like a meal. I will continue to dream of holding the sun… just know you’ll always be number one. 

Reviews

[JayG]

This piece is you talking about things meaningful to you. But...you could be talking about a parent, a lover, a child, a diety, or pretty much anyone. You know. The one you're talking to knows. But the reader? Not a clue because you give them no context. And fair is fair. Readers give you of their time. Shouldn't you make an effort to learn how best to get your thoughts to that reader in the form that YOU view them?

After all, they've been refining the skills of poetry for centuries. So acquiring those skills places you on the shoulders of giants. Guessing, on the other hand, places you in the position of trying to reinvent the wheel. As Wilson Mizner puts it, “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.” So, research!

Dig into the tricks the pros take for granted and make them your own. The nonfiction,fact-based skills we're given in school are dry and dispassionate, useless for poetry because their focus is on informing the reader, while poetry's is to move the reader, emotionally.

And relating that to this piece, how moved would you be to be informed how I feel about someone you know nothing about? Not at all, right?

You say you write to see where it takes you. But..with a few tricks added to your toolbox, you can take the reader with you. And, they'll thank you for doing it. As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” And that takes more than the report-writing skills of our schooldays,

So... try a few chapters of a good book on the tricks of the poet, like Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. It's a book filled with gems and surprises, like why we sometimes use the word rock, and at others, stone, to point to the same thing,
https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

[Davidgeo]

What? A poem written that has meaning to the poet writing the poem? NO WAY!! You really have this whole "critique" thing down Jay boy. The lack of self awareness in you is very strong my son. Well done. Everyone is very, very "impressed".

[JayG]

And as always, the puppy dog is yapping at my heels craving attention.

[Davidgeo]

And as always... you lack self awareness, our #1 lol cow.

[JayG]

Let me point out something you might have missed, child. Your last ten posted works have gotten a total of 5 comments. That’s it. The best you can do with ten postings is 5 comments.

In my last ten postings there were greater than 280 comments. So, the best word to describe your accomplishments? insignificant.

You may believe yourself the center of the universe, but based on accomplishment? Your poetic abilities, demonstrably, are neglible — not because of a lack of talent, but because you’re too self-centered to admit that like everyone else, you need to earn the praise you covet.

You whine and whine about me, simply because I take the time to help others learn what you’re either too lazy to, or, incapable of learning. And you aren’t man enough to even repay the OP of the threads you hijack with an honest critique, or even a comment. That’s despicable.

So, no matter how hard you try. No matter how you beg for my attention, I don’t hate you. I don’t feel threatened. I just feel sorry for you, and a life so constrained by unearned self-love.

[Davidgeo]

If you are writing and reviewing on sites like these to get noticed you are disconnected with reality. People just write to express themselves most of the time... most real people (not you) don't live out weird half baked wannabe "writing coach" fantasies online. You don't understand that because you are trapped in a vanity based delusion... you have no idea what writing is or what language is really used for. It's why everyone mocks you... it's why I get so much private encouragement to keep trolling you. People love watching you embarrass yourself here.

[JayG]

Bla...bla...bla...

Why would I, or anyone, pay attention to the advice of someone who can't get more than one or two likes for only a few of their posted works, and who's sold none of their writing?

Why would I do more than feel pity for someone so lacking in ethics that they hijack someone else's thread and then doesn't have the decency to comment on the posted work.

------------
NelliKong:

Sorry for this fool's invasion. He's, delusional, and fighting a war that exists only in his mind, with "facts" that exist only in his personal fantasies. Still, iIf you want to see why you need to look into the skills of poetry, follow this fool's link and look at his work.

[Davidgeo]

I'm not giving you advice. I'm describing what you are. You think this interaction or any of your interactions have anything to do with "advice"? What do you think is really taking place here? What do you think sites like these are really for? Man... you really are lost down the online vanity writer rabbit hole I see. You do realize this is all just sell adspace right? Making users like you think they are something they aren't is good for business. You really don't understand do you? hahaha

[JayG]

• I'm not giving you advice. I'm describing what you are.

Nope. The score is currently 5 to 285, child. You're, demonstrably, a loser, and a poser, desperately seeking notice.

In reality, the reason you don't comment on the work posted in the threads you invade is because you can't. To do that you'd have to have learned something more than the report-writing skills of grade-school. You'd have to write well enough to get greater than .0175% of the likes than I do.

[Davidgeo]

No one's keeping score man, no one is watching or really cares outside of a couple people laughing at you in silence... what you think is happening with this weirdo online "writing coach" fantasy is not actually what's happening. It's very sad and usually I just leave people trapped in such a fantasy to their own devices... but you try and bully new female writers all over the internet so I have no problem pointing out your obvious delusion. And don't stop, this is funny not just for me... keep taking the bait son.

[JayG]

• No one's keeping score man,

You are. And it really twists your nickers to do so badly compared to someone you think you're better than.

Those who can, do, child. And demonstrably, you can't. The score is 5 to 285. And that doesn't count the three new comments this week. So you're falling even further behind.

[Davidgeo]

You keep taking the bait man... and you seem so oblivious to it all... are you okay man? For real? Maybe you should consider therapy, at your age you shouldn't be letting people like me own your emotions like this. You seem to be stuck in the emotional state of a teenager stuck in a fantasy trying "make it" as a well respected "author" and "writing coach". It's pretty sad. You have even paid many thousands of dollars out of your own pocket for vanity publishing... oh man... hahahha it's so sad. How do you have so little self awareness? I'm guessing these are progressing symptoms of your dementia.