can you.

everything goes quiet and fades into the background

_{so it doesn’t risk drowning out the silence in
the absence of your presence}

_{my whole body is tense and knowing and waiting for}

_{some relief like in those moments before
a yawn that never comes}

_{and my eyes feel hot and want to shut so the}

_{tears f*****g useless don’t come anymore
just as you cannot either}

_{and there’s no respite from this daynightdaynight hell}

_{of catching breaths and hiccups and silent
full mouth till your lungs are empty screams}

_{my spine hits the pavement as i curl up and bang my}

_{wrists on the sandstone slanting step just pounding and
counting to a number where the pain kind of stops is lessened and relocates
to somewhere i can see}

_{my makeup is on my fingers and the knees of my jeans}

_{and it’s black and smudgy and mixed with water
in a shape that’s more real than you ever were}

_{that dull dragging ache crawls up to the back of my throat}

_{and just hangs there and recesses back into the walls
in waves that are warm and jagged}

_{but i’ll keep my mouth shut like i always have}

_{you’ll be able to tell because my lips are still crackedroughbleeding
yet that’s not the only part of me that is}

_{and i can still feel the cool curve of the metal on my back}

_{and feel you pressed against me and what i said was true.
even my left eye is crying.}

Author's Note

this hurts. but it doesn’t. see? i have no idea what i’m trying to say.
.
[8.07.09]
tell me what you think, anything, everything.