She Loved Me Once

I loved her

And she loved me once

Pull the breath of life from my lungs

Like shattered glass floating to the ground

The insignia wrapped round your finger in white gold

That winter with naked trees 

Now I set in silence with trembling hand 

An island disappearing back in the sea 

Memories spiral like birds in blue sky

Over this bitter face

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I'm not very good at reading abstract poetry, but I do enjoy your unusual & vivid descriptions that convey various feelings of regret & abandonment. This is original & dynamic: "pull the breath of life from my lungs" . . . this is not so original: "birds in blue sky" (good idea, but could be stated in a more unusual way, like the rest of your poem).

[Neal S]

Thanks for taking the time and for the ideas. I don't really pour over my poems for to long. What comes out just comes out. Thanks so much for the review! :)

[Emily]

I really like the meaning!
Keep on writing!

[Neal S]

Thanks Emily! :)

[Asante]

This was really something, man. Hm. This was a piece that I had to sit back and read over again, not because I misunderstood it, but because it came across as very, very good! The melancholy nature of the piece is strong, you use stellar images to add to that flavor, and then the last four lines are like the knockout blow!

Stellar, bro.

[Neal S]

Thank ya Sir!

[Asante]

My pleasure!

[D Connolly]

The second part is heartbreak put into slow motion "Like shattered glass floating to the ground". Its very relatable. The poem is laced with memories, referring to "that winter with naked trees". And the fear of being alone in the 4th part.... You put the initial feelings into words I can understand and feel

[Neal S]

Thanks for reading D :)

[Valentine]

Whew, a deep feeling write. I really like the 4th grouping. Valentine

[Neal S]

Thank you so much!

[Satoshi IroTzu]

Respect, Neal S

I can sense you barely holding back your rage, making it barely subtle.

[Paul Bell]

Short, but the pain hits you like a sledgehammer.

[Neal S]

Thanks for reading Paul.

[Lorry]

Ouch. I feel your pain through your words Neal. Reminds me of the sudden stop shock of finding a photograph of her you forgot you had, or an item once cherished, bringing the pain back with a vengeance, leaving that island to be reclaimed by natures wrath. Powerful, pain filled words, perfectly captured my friend.

[Neal S]

Thank you Nemo.

[Lorry]

You're welcome.

[aLittlePain]

This is gorgeous but so sad. Really nice bruv. R xo

[Neal S]

Thank you Rey! :)

[Papaya]

This is a beautiful poem, you can feel the pain seeping out of it.

[Neal S]

Thank you so much! :)

[Papaya]

You're welcome, it's a super poem. Very sad. :(

[Neal S]

It is sad :( ..Maybe I should rewrite and add some clowns or something :)

[Papaya]

That would just make it scary... :)

[Neal S]

Good point! I hate clowns.

[Papaya]

Agree. : )