What If ?

This is a free verse poem about how men in the 1800s never gave women equal rights . They thought most women were just pretty faces with no wisdom .

I didn't have the bottle to confront her

what kept me away was what they said about her

" She's just a witless beauty

nothing unparalleled "

But what if she wasn't who they said she was 

What if she was a lot more than that

What if she was an enormous berg of which only a bantam part we see floating

the profoundness hidden deep underneath

What if she was a velvet drape? 

a little effort to open it and sunshine will fall upon your face

What if she was an oyster 

all uneven from outside but within you'll discover a recherche pearl 

What if she was a classic melancholy love song?

arcane to some but not to those whose hearts have once ached

What if she was a door ajar

a little peek and we'll see the mind full of wisdom to which it opened

Or what if she was already an open book with no secrets

you just need to read to know the full story

What if she wasn't a swimmer but the water

What if she wasn't a ray of sunlight but the whole sun

What if she was not a beautiful cover but a clandestine novel 

What if she wasn't a painting but the painter who created it all

What if she wasn't what they said she was 

What if she was a lot more than that

maybe she knew what she had was rare?

If that was so ,why would she care ?

Reviews

[Adam Weems]

I love the concept, considering that i also believe women weren't perceived as people, but objects. my only advice is to try not to sound super repetitive, do what you did with the first few stanzas and give it that depth and power you had at the beginning, otherwise i enjoyed it! keep it up

[Ruddyman]

I have what I believe to be an understanding of your poem "What if". This may have been about men in the 1800's but it still rings very true today. Not just about men about all who can't see or appreciate the beauty in other because they can't see the beauty in themselves. I love your poem.

[Salvatore]

Hi neeyati shah,
I read your poem and I found it wonderful. You just think the same of me about "what they say".
Unfortunately I can't tell you about grammatical errors since I'm not mother tongue.
You better ask someone else who's more able than me in this.
I just can say that when you write "maybe she knew what she had was rare" you might change "was" with "been" which is the past participle of the verb to be.

[SomeRandomChic]

Beautifully written. I felt empowered as a woman just reading it!!! I liked the repetitiveness..so many what ifs to consider! Keep it up!

[ashish hajagulkar]

thought is really nice just revealed way women thoughts in decade of 1700's

[JayG]

• I didn't have the bottle to confront her

I have no clue of why one would need a bottle to confront an unknown “her.” A confrontation seldom involves drinking, and a gentleman hardly ever bops a woman with a bottle. I suspect a good deal of this story never made it to the page.

• what kept me away was what they said about her

“They?” Who are “they,” and why do they matter? And, this makes no sense, given the first line, which clearly says a lack of a battle did it. But that aside, an unknown person, of unknown gender, was kept away from an unknown female because of something unknown that unknown people said about this female—for unstated reasons.

It works for you because every line in the piece points to events, ideas, and images stored in your mind. But for me? Every line points to events, ideas, and images stored in YOUR mind. Helps me not at all.

You know what’s going on. The unknown “her” knows. The one speaking knows. But fair is fair, shouldn’t the one you wrote this for know?

• But what if she wasn't who they told she was
What if she was a lot more than that

What if she is exactly what they say? Why are you asking the reader rhetorical questions? If the speaker doesn’t know, and we know not even where and when this is, how can we reply? My question is: Why doesn’t this person stop talking and find out instead of speculating with no data?

But forget all that because there’s something far more important, which is that you’re not INVOLVING the reader. You’re talking TO them as if they have a clue of what you’re talking about, but never provide context.

Look at it this way: were this a ghost story, does the reader want to learn that the protagonist is frightened? Or are they hoping that the author will terrify THEM? Are they seeking knowledge, or to be made to be afraid to turn off the lights?

Readers come to you to be entertained, not informed. That’s something we can never lose sight of. And in order to accomplish that, and aside from all other issues, the reader MUST always have context. Your poem is a self-guiding trail whose goal is to move the reader emotionally. So impress them with the beauty of your expression, the vivid and evocative language. Make them love and hate, and never say, “Uh-huh.” Write emotion-based prose, not fact-based. Make them say, “Wow.”

[neeyati shah]

bottle means courage.
'they' are just people . People who tell the speaker of the poem that the woman he fancies is not worth his time. The speaker doesn't try to contradict and walks away . But after he walks away he thinks that what if the girl was a lot more than just a beautiful face . The questions in the poem are not questions raised by the poet . They are the thoughts of the speaker of the poem .
The poem is set in the 1800s where everybody was under the pressure to conform . The speaker did what others told him to do but later regrets the choice he made.

[neeyati shah]

bottle is a british word

[JayG]

• bottle means courage

Only to you. Never forget that as soon as you release your words, you, your intent, and everything about you becomes irrelevant. It's what the words suggest to-the-reader, based on THEIR background, not yours.

• The poem is set in the 1800s where everybody was under the pressure to conform .

No. It's set in an era you communicate to the reader, and you suggest none. Most of your reply was spent explaining your intent. But you're not there when the piece is read, so unless you provide context, via the words or common reader/writer culture norms (like mentioning the screams of children at play), the meaning you intend dribbles from the words at the keyboard.

[neeyati shah]

I didn't create the word 'bottle' ..look it up

[JayG]

• I didn't create the word 'bottle' ..look it up

I did.I used the Word dictionary, then Dictionary.com And is has English derivation and uses, too. http://www.dictionary.com/browse/bottle

Surely you don't think only people from area will read your work?

Wake up! When someone says they didn't get a reference—especially when it's an expression that's unused in an entire country—you find a word that's more universally recognized.

You are NOT there when the piece is read, so you damn well better do your research and debugging before you finalize the work.

In the United States, and in every other country I've been in a bottle is a thing used to store liquids, and sometimes a ship in. Yes, way down on the list of synonyms for courage you can find bottle, But before that comes courage, bravery, nerve, pluck, audacity, mettle, fortitude, daring, and resolution.

Surely one of those will be more universal.

[neeyati shah]

I'm sorry but I like bottle and I will try my best to write a better poem next time

[Tony Jordan]

My fav part -
"What if she wasn't who they told she was
What if she was a lot more than that..." - wow

[vigilantebastard]

It speaks to anyone who has been suppressed, in any way. it reminds me of a piece i wrote years ago called diamonds inside of me, but i scrumped it up and threw it away along with hundreds of writings, cuz i got it into my head that "it wasn't cool". This is very good, for god sake dont do what i did, i regret it now, and for the life of me i cant remember the lyrics to what i wrote. ...

[Silencer]

[Depending on your MEANING, either:]
But what if she wasn't who they told *HER* she was - (Seems indicated.)
[But what if she wasn't who they *SAID* she was - (Seems possible.)]

It's RARE I have to look-up English word definitions.
"bantam" threw me! Good job!
However, after looking it up, I'm not fully getting what you're trying to say there.
Maybe you chose the wrong word, or maybe another verse would help, paint US your picture.

"recherché" ! WOW! You're a real dummy, aren't ya? LOL!
Très Bien!

"recondite" Is it a poem, or an English lesson?!?!
: o )

I'm able to discern your SEX, not from your name, as I know not your origin.
But from your Content. You are Female.
Discernment, is the key to Life and Happiness. And Success.

To Answer the poem's Question:
"....What if she was a lot more than that[?]"
Then she's a Work of GOD. And a big Success.

"....so why on earth would she care ?"
Because of the things on Earth, to care about.
So that they are treated, the way she should've been.
So that they start treating her, the way they should.
So that she can then treat them, the way she'd like to.
And maybe enjoy loving reciprocation.
But most importantly, the eternal knowledge, of,
having loved others.
(BEING "GODLIKE.")

Earth should be capitalized.
There's an extra space in-between "care" and the "?" at the very-end, but;
It seems to ADD, rather than detract.
(Since you asked for grammatical correction.
Else, I'd not comment there, as you do very well at it, overall.
You're obviously not educated by modern American public schools. It's IRREFUTABLE.
If you are, it's the best f*****g one we got.)

Thank-you for asking me for my comments and opinions.
This is your reward!
I hope and pray they've blessed you and you've enjoyed them.
Compliments without critiques are not as sincere.

Your work was Spectacular.
I hate poems. But I like yours.
First off, I was discouraged that it may be excessively-long,
and too flighty and flowery and not in agreement with GOD's WORD, through-out.
I was very pleasantly-surprised, by mis-anticipating, on ALL of those points.
BRAVO!

Well Done!

P.S. Also, if such a woman was a believer, attractive to me, appropriate for me, and available;
I'D PROPOSE TO HER.

-

Take Care!

And GOD Bless you dear,

Love,

Steve

;o)

: o )


P.S.S. Oh, last thought. What's up with the bottle?!?!?

: o )


Gave you a 100. Almost did a 99, but f**k no. You did perfect.

[Mr.Write]

There are some beautiful expressions in the poem my favourite is "What if she was a velvet drape
a little effort to open it and the sunshine will fall upon your glowing face".

The concept I like the execution though is a bit flippant and so it seems somewhat repetitive.