What IF?

Some time when we look back in life we often wonder about the one thing which we want to change and what would be the impact of the change and that question leave us with "What IF?".

What If ????

Often life gives us many chances to fix our mistakes. But we overlook it and when we finally realize what we lost its already too late…

After marriage this is my first visit back home. After moving to Boston the situation never agreed with me to come back home now after 5 long years I am finally home.

Life has been very beautiful for me a loving husband, beautiful twin daughters. But still a part of me misses my home, my country.

My home still looks the same. With my childhood swing set still hanging on the porch. My old ride my Scooty still parked in the garage. I remember how happy I was when dad got me my new ride. I almost drove that all day long, and finally crashed it on our gate. I was scared that dad might take it away from me that’s when Mark came and said it’s his fault. Oh I completely forgot about Mark my best friend my partner in crime. He and his few friends rented a flat in the same building which was owned by us. He had a good impression over my dad so when he said he crashed the vehicle dad knew he was protecting me but said nothing and furiously went inside.

After we had dinner we all sat in the living room chatting about how much things have changed over the past few year. While conversing the topic of our new tenants came and I asked mom “Mom do you remember Mark and his friends” she said”How could I forget them. Such a nice bunch of young boys. Always minding their own business, never getting into unnecessary fights like the other boys in our colony. And how much they used to help us. Do you remember the time when your dad had the mild attack. My goodness I was so terrified with no one to ask for help and you two girls my mind was so num, that’s when Mark and his friends arranged for the ambulance and took him to hospital. I would never forget that night. Poor kid was calling me every second updating me about his condition.” She broke into little sobbing “it was really a hard time. Even our closest relatives were of no help. All because of that land dispute case. Those kids were like a blessing to us.”

Next day when I got up I had a little fever mom asked me to take Paracetamol from her almira. When I opened her cupboard I noticed this old suitcase in the bottom rack I took the medicine. Evening while having tea I asked mom about the old suitcase…”Oh ! that is of one of the boys…when they left they left or may be forgot some stuffs which we found while cleaning there room I just kept it safe with me just in case. But they never came for it but somehow I never felt throwing it away ….haha you know me I have a habit of keeping all these old things which you call junk ” she giggled…

Next day again I was not feeling so well so Mohan took me to see a doctor. I caught the common cold so I had to stay back home while my family went to visit the temple. I slept for a while then I got up to make some hot tea and I noticed my mom’s room I went inside opened her cupboard and took the suitcase out. I took my tea and went inside my room. I was a bit excited to look inside,  the teenager in me wanted to recall the beautiful old memories and somehow I was hoping to see a glimpse of those days locked inside this suitcase.

Well the suitcase was not locked so I simply opened it. A small rush of dust came like a cloud over me making me cough uncontrollably I brushed the dust away and looked inside there was nothing I could recall few CD’s some small diary’s, which looks like phone diary an empty box few semester question papers and a diary of the year 1990. The year Mark and his friends joined engineering. I kept everything else inside the suitcase except the diary.

And start reading it.

September 22 1990

How does one feel when they are thrown in a crowd of strangers? That’s how I am feeling over here. Everyone is trying to be friendly but I could see how much they are scared from inside. But any who today a guy Siddhu sat beside me. He is a north Indian a decent guy looks like I made a friend on my very first day. But the funny thing is the first thing he asked me “Would you be my friend?” well that was simple 5 words but the way he said he sounded gay :P haha.

I laughed thinking about Siddhu , his action did sometime made me wonder if he was gay. Like when after badminton we used to sit at the building entrance stairs and he used to point at guys and comment on their looks and when I looked at him suspiciously,  he would always laugh say “Come on Tina I am looking for you” we all would laugh and forget. I continued reading.

October 12 1990

This is a disaster come-on how can they have chemistry in engineering like I didn’t have enough in my school days. My God how will I ever escape from this god forbidden subject? Well I think I have to somehow pass this at least on boundary…man this is like school all over again.

Well on a happy node they made something different today in the cafeteria after lots and lots of complain campaign we finally found dal in the dal curry but the catch is while pouring the dal curry we have to keep moving the curry or else the dal would settle down and again we would be left with curry with no dal. Initially this used to make me furious now I see it like a game called “Never let the dal settle” hahaha…

They even introduced non veg these day like yesterday Sidhu got cockroach in his food he ran like I never seen him running before…hahaha

I was rolling laughing on my bed …even though I knew this story but it sounds funny every time I remember it haha.

December 10 1990

Today I saw the ghost. Don’t believe me? You will when you are shaving and you get this message about the semester exam dates and you count the remaining days to prepare and den when you see yourself in the mirror trust me you would see your ghost.

Just three weeks for my exam and though I believed I know everything but the reality suggest otherwise. I should get back to my studies. Wish me luck.

 

March 24 1991

I passed I passed I passed!!!! Yapeeeeee I just couldn’t believe I passed my exams finally I could relax now. Phew!!! I wish I could say this for all my friends but unfortunately Martin got a back in one subject Dhruv in two subjects I know I should not be jumping with joy .But I just couldn’t help it. I got two black label . Even though all drank for different reasons, but at least we all sat together to drink.

By this time my family came back from the temple. They asked me about my health.  I said I am ok we had dinner together and my daughters told me everything they saw on the way right from the cows to the small mosquitoes. Well when it’s your child you find all these small details cute. After that I tugged them to bed. My husband gave me the medicine and put balm on my head and asked me to rest. And he went out to work on his computer. I took out Mark’s journal from under my pillow.

June 10 1991

As soon as you give one exam and recover… bang!!! Comes the next. Well this time I am more relaxed as I had to give only five exams unlike my lucky friends who have six and seven. I know I am being mean but that’s human nature when u feel your troubles are great look down to the less fortunate. In my case I am looking up haha you see 5, 6, 7 haha!!!

Today another amazing event happened Ritu came to me with some doubts. Dhruv have a huge crush on Ritu and seeing that she came to me I could see the jealousy on his face. Just to irritate him I who doesn’t have much interest in girls willingly accepted to clear her doubt right in front of him. I know Evil is the word which comes to mind for me. But then I cleared my stand on girls to him. He too took it as a joke and we laughed it off.

November 15 1991

This is unbearable I mean come-on we are grown ups and we are guys then why this 8PM restriction on us. Today poor Martin had to sleep in the corridor because he came late to hostel. Enough is enough we really have to shift from this hell.

Jan 01 1992

Finally new year and new place to live. It was a struggle to get my parents onboard, to let us stay in a flat .And move out from that central jail which they called hostel.

A nice spacious flat in a nice colony owned by a tamilian family. Aunty reminded me of my own mother  sweet and caring .Before asking us about the rent she asked us if we ate anything and even when we said we did (which we lied as the deposit money set us back in our monthly allowance) she got hot idli , sambar and chutney and the way we ate that she got us more. That was the yummiest idli I ever had in my life.

At this point I was excited as this is when they moved here and we met I mean it’s sometime nice to know what a person think about you. More like getting inside his mind.

I continued….

 

Feb 19 1992

Sometime I just don’t understand this female gender I mean come on …banged you vehicle on the first day you bought it. I would never do this to my bike .I mean though it is a year old now ,but I treasure it like my buddy. But women just don’t care about their vehicle. Today just to save Tina I had to take the blame of banging her new Scooty to the gate. I really had a good impression on uncle I suppose after today I can kiss that good bye.

But then I don’t know somehow I couldn’t see her in trouble as she is someone who helps me a lot at time. Like the other day I went out with her and I wanted to make a call to my friend and I was out of money to recharge. She saw this and recharged my phone and said to pay her when I get my allowance. She is really cool and not only help me financially, but sometime she also give good advice to tackle some situation like when I was pissed with Siddhu because he took my pen without asking me which I am very particular about she told me that sometime we need to see what is more big a pen which cost hardly 20- 30 bucks, but is that money worth your time and energy. So today I got bunch of pens and gave it to Sidhu so that he never touch mine haha message conveyed. :P

 

Haha I knew Mark is funny but his journal is much funnier than him. But the mention of my name in his journal did make me feel good.

June 20 1992

After exam all you want to do is relax and sleep for like 10 to 20 hours. But when you have another exam right next day , it makes you think otherwise. Well on top of it if your friend is upset and crying what will you do?

Dhruv and Ritu broke up today. Seriously what a time to think about breaking up .Right when your semester exams are going on. That’s why I say I just couldn’t understand women. He was all broken and crying like a baby he got this whisky and started drinking peg after peg  we were tempted too…you know exam tension n all but then we tried to console him and tried hard to get him back to study. But nothing was helping. That’s when Tina came with aunty’s delicious dosa and sambar and saw what was happening. We told her the whole story. She asked us to get back to study and took Dhruv on terrace and spoke to him for a while. After few hours he came down and went to bathroom and started vomiting. He came out made a strong coffee for himself and got back to study. We asked him what happened he said nothing I am fine and got back to study. Well I don’t know what Tina said but her words where magic. And she finally helped us to resume our study.

Oh! I do remember this one I knew Rithu from childhood. And I knew why she broke up with him; well I knew this would eventually happen when they started seeing each other. As Rithu though never admitted but was never interested in Dhruv as a matter of fact she was never interested in men at all I laughed to myself.

May be because of the medicine I didn’t realize when I dosed off. Next day Mohan woke me up and asked me to get ready to visit his relatives but I was feeling lazy and on top of it was curious to read Mark’s journal I told them I was still feeling sick. So mom got my girls ready and they took off. As soon as they went I took the journal again.

September 14 1992

I …I…I don’t know what should I do. For the first time I am feeling so helpless….what kind of son I am….when my family need me the most I just cannot do anything….this is making me feel so horrible about myself why…. why is this happening to me….to my family…I should be with them not here….

That page was a bit crushed as if it was wet and dried off….I was trying to think hard what happened on that day but just couldn’t recall. I was feeling bad for Mark and where was I when he was going through this crisis, whatever it was. May be the next entry would tell me what happened.

May 22 1993

Today is my birthday and……

This is not right I stopped reading there is no entry after September 1992. The question still remains what happened in September.

After dinner while washing the dishes I asked mom “Mom remember in September 1992 Mark had some issue or something… I cannot recall …do you remember anything?” “Mark? Oh that boy let me think September 1992 …mmm….it’s really a long time back Tina…but I wagely remember it was some family crisis…oh yes that’s the month his father got an attack…poor boy was so devastated…don’t you remember he wouldn’t eat he wouldn’t talk to anybody just keep to himself locked in his room…you where the only person he would talk too”. As a matter of fact I did remember now everything was coming back to me I used to console him and talk to him and listen to him and his worries. Once while talking he cried like a baby, which was so unlike him as I have always seen him as a very strong and calm person. He likes to keep his worries to himself unlike his friends who would show it in the form of anger or some sort of emotions. That was the first time ever a boy hugged me and I hugged him back, cause I knew how much pain he was in. But after few months everything was fine his father got better and his family recovered from the trauma. He too came back to his normal self. But that interval did make him close to me, as after that he used to share his feelings with me.  Even I used to take advice from him, mostly boyfriend troubles.  He used to tell me how a guy’s mind think, and I should not make myself so vulnerable. But me being me kept getting in troubles and he was someone I turned to when I needed any help.

Again while on bed I took his journal.

 

 

May 22 1993

Today is my birthday and finally everything is normal in my life. But from the past few days I am having this weird feeling which I am unable to explain. I am not sure about it but when Tina is around or when we are talking to each other I feel kind of restless my hand starts sweating. I never told her all this but I get this feeling that she already know. Like yesterday when we were on terrace talking , she was telling me about her boyfriend issue and I was just looking at her…just being near her makes me restless and calm at the same time…and suddenly she caught me staring and I said there is something on her face and just brushed it off…and when my hand touched her face my heart stopped beating…ya in literal terms that is something which could have killed me…but then it did you know…I dared not to name this feelings I am having for her…. for God sake she is a Tamilian Christian catholic and that differs from our Christianity …what am I thinking…she has a boyfriend for Christ sake…stop stop stop….

I was stunned and sat up on my bed. The feeling what he wrote I was feeling it now but in a different way. I never knew he had feelings for me I mean even I found him to be a great guy but to me he was simply out of my league. He was much smarter and talented than me not to mention younger than me. I thought he would never go for a girl like me. Deep down I did fantasized for him but I knew that’s never going to happen. And here I am with his journal telling me otherwise. I kept reading.

May 23 1993

Tina gave me the Ferrari designed helmet for my birthday. This is the same helmet which I showed her online the other day which I liked so much. It must have cost her a fortune even though she is earning but still it was a rare helmet. Again today she came home crying and told me that her boyfriend said some bad words to her because she didn’t let him come close to her whatever the very prospective of some other guy even touching her make me sick even writing about it makes me furious. I never liked the guy she was currently dating, he looks like a gangster and she never told us about his job. We never bothered to ask as well. She is 2 yrs older to me but somehow she doesn’t see that this guy is not the right guy for her. Now this judgment is not because I started having feelings for her but even my other roommates think the same. I keep telling her to maintain her distance, she agrees at first but few months of apologies and they get back together and the whole cycle repeats all over again. I just pray to God to give her some good sense of judgment.

I know he was right, but then he too make some poor judgment. Like getting that no good second hand branded speaker system, which I told him was not good but he said he was getting a great deal but within a month it was history. But then I can understand that and my situation was different.

 

 

 

 

November 22 1993

Who would know a branded system could just go bad beyond repair within a month. Tina warned me not to buy them. What will I tell mom and dad about the 4000 bucks of my allowance which I used to buy them. Thanks to Tina she lent me some money to cover my expenses. Sometime I wonder if she actually have feelings for me I mean she is like always there for me she knows me more than I know myself how easily she cheer me up when no one can. I wonder what will happen if I tell her how I feel about her. But then I don’t want to get things weird between us I enjoy her company and how she sometime pamper me, but I fear if ever she knows what I feel about her she might never even talk to me. Now I know what it’s like to be in love with someone and never able to tell them. But I don’t really know if it’s real or just an infatuation. I guess I should just sleep off these thoughts.

 

Somehow reading his journal I felt I was living it like my life from his perspective.

December 22 1993

Yes yes yes!!! She finally broke up with that good for nothing villan in my imaginary love story…and this time no sorry no apology is getting them back cause this damage of getting caught red handed is beyond repair. I feel like dancing today. But I have to control my emotions and help her and console her that all happens for something good. At least I know it does.:)

Hahaha I could actually picture him dancing with joy. Hilarious somehow I am feeling happy for him.

December 31 1993

I am ready I am very ready to accept my love for her today at 12am I am going to give her my New Year gift “My Heart”. Now it’s on her to kick it or catch it but today nothing is going to stop me from doing so. And I know there are some differences between us but then I know love would find a way. I am terrified yet very happy to gather my courage to finally make her mine. I am so positive that I just don’t want to think of the otherwise, I somehow know she would accept my love call it a intuition or sixth sense I just know if I ask her she would never say No. I am so happy. Though I have no job right now but I know I am capable enough to find one as soon as I pass out.

Oh my God that’s the day I left for Otty….

January 1 1994

Where is she….I am losing my mind…I just want to know where is she???...how could she just go without telling me…all night I waited outside her home but no one was there even till now 12 noon they didn’t return…I didn’t sleep since last night…I just couldn’t…

I kind of knew what was coming next…for one I have seen it but I didn’t know then why it happened…

January 11 1994

Sometime the plans we make for our self are not what God have decided for us. I know now that we are all puppets in His hand. He just loves playing with our feelings. I was this close…this close to getting my happiness. But in one second he took all away from me as the saying goes “He giveth and He taketh away".

I guess she was never meant for me I guess this was our destiny our fate. I have to accept the fact that she is getting married to someone else now.  But this question would always linger and haunt me all my life “What if I asked her first?”

That is it no entries after that. I laid on my bed with his journal still in my hand. Thinking about the last line in his journal and questioned myself “What if?”