Sentience is Not for Everyone

Captain Alan Recka and his team are off to show the universe what Earth is made of. As they travel closer to the Elders’ planet, they start to experience…problems with their prized cargo.

            Captain Alan Recka dragged his feet as he walked down the hall to meet with the Administrator. He had tried to keep to himself after his last colonization trip which had taken three years. All he wanted was to stay on the best and most civilized planet in the universe and do paperwork from 9 in the morning until 5 at night. When he saw the email from the Administrator, he felt a sense of dread. Was this an offer for his dream job or an order for another colonization into the cigar galaxy? Just thinking of the many planets, he had seen in that part of space made his heartburn come back. He opened the email and saw the subject line: Presence requested by Administrator Douglas to discuss important travel mission. Alan could feel the anger well up inside him. This place owed him for the pain and danger he had been through, especially the last three years. He had saved countless idiots from man eating monsters on Zeta 79 and fallen down a pit with larval aliens spitting diluted acid at him because of it. “This is absurd!” he shouted shaking a fist at his computer. The rest of the office stopped to look at him; no one said a word. Then, Captain Alan Recka, founder of three of the most successful human colonies, jumped out of his seat and knocked all the papers off his desk. The manager hurried toward him, lectured him about being civil on planet Earth and then sent him to Administrator Douglas like a disobedient child.

Now as Alan approached the door, and lazily grabbed the knob, he felt a sudden wave of courage. He was going to tell Douglas exactly what he thought and that he wasn’t going to put up with this s**t anymore.

Filled with reinvigorated confidence, Alan turned the handle and walked through the door. He met the gaze of the tired Administrator and sat down in the chair in front of his desk without being invited. Douglas adjusted his thin rimmed glasses and sat back in his chair with his hands on his belly, waiting for the rant he knew he was going to get.

“I received your email,” Alan said crossing his legs and staying calm. Douglas cocked his head. “Yes…I was hoping to talk to you about an amazing opportunity.” Administrator Douglas’s face shook as he talked, and Alan was distracted by the huge pores that engulfed his cheeks. “What kind of…amazing opportunity?” Alan asked pretending to be interested. He came off a little too sarcastic. “Come on Alan, this is important,” Douglas said firmly. “No no, I’m listening,” Alan said waving his hand. Douglas sighed “Well, we’ve been contacted by the oldest beings in the Intergalactic Alliance. Our allies across the galaxies say it is quite an honor. When we are brought into the Alliance, we can make humanity known throughout the universe.” Alan couldn’t stand it anymore. He hated the idea of the Intergalactic Alliance and believed humans shouldn’t have to be accepted into some cult to roam the universe freely. “I’ve already told you people, I’m done traveling to other worlds. Everywhere I’ve colonized the inhabitants either needed my help or they wanted to eat me. Aliens can’t help us achieve anything! I just want to sit at my desk and work on some boring paperwork from 9:00am until 5:00pm!” Alan’s fists pounded on the hard leather of the chair. Douglas held his hands up. “Alright, alright Alan. Tell you what, take this mission for us and when you come back, I give you my verbal and written promise. You can have your desk and your boring job that lets you go home at 5:00pm.” He pulled out a piece of paper, wrote a paragraph agreeing to switch Alan to another department, then signed it and handed it to him. Alan took it, still feeling frustrated. He crumpled it up and jammed it in his jacket pocket. “Do we have a deal?” Administrator Douglas asked, holding out his hand. Alan shook it, already thinking about how nice it’ll be to see the Super Bowl from Earth this year.

“Great! Here’s your crew,” the large man said sliding a folder over to him and getting up to unplug his cigar simulator. Then he breathed in the scent. The new simulators were meant to be eco-friendly and completely smoke free, but the Administrator’s face went sour and he threw it back onto the table. “Damn these new fancy simulators. What I wouldn’t give to smoke my old vape pen.” Alan ignored him as he studied his crew’s resumes. “Anyway, the Elders requested that only three humans travel to the planet because of their fragile ozone layer, so your ship will be mostly automatic to make up for the lack of man power. They’ve requested some symbols of Earth but weren’t very specific on what exactly they wanted. So, we’ve decided on various plant and animal species to show them the evolution and maintenance of life on our planet.” Alan stared at the second member of the crew, his lieutenant. Her name was Silvia Ramirez and she was a classic Columbian beauty that he had marveled at on two of his colonization trips. On the second one, he had tried to convince her to sleep with him for the good of the colony; she had smacked him hard across the face. He admired her tenacious spirit and Latin flare. Then he saw the list of cargo they would be transporting. “Wait a minute,” he said sitting up and cutting the Administrator off. The man sighed and sat back down in his chair, setting down his simulated cigar. “This is a DELIVERY mission?” he squealed in disbelief. “I’m a decorated captain with 12 successful colonies and your using me as a delivery boy?” Alan Recka was out of his seat now, holding the list of organic life like it was an old magazine. “Calm down Recka,” Administrator Douglas said. He was starting to lose his patience. “Look, this isn’t another hostile planet for you to rebuild. These beings are more established than you and I will ever understand. Once you return, I promise you will have your own office managing other projects and clock out at 5 everyday, like I said before.” Alan eventually accepted his defeat and walked back to his office.

A few days after his conversation with the Administrator, Alan and his greyhound Ruckus were standing on the hot concrete, staring at the modest ship in front of them. It was being filled with the essentials by automatic cargo carriers and small robots that scurried back and forth like spiders. Ruckus barked at a few as they rushed passed the Captain’s feet. Alan’s eyes fell to the cargo bay where Silvia was standing, double checking the cargo holds before they boarded the ship. Alan felt himself swoon over her. He pulled Ruckus over to her, beaming his pearly teeth at her and hoping they indeed sparkled in the sunlight as so many nice girls had told him before. Silvia turned to him. “Captain on deck,” she said putting her hand to her forehead dutifully. “At ease,” he said with his sly grin. Silvia put her hand down and turned away from him, continuing her check on the last cargo bay before it was pushed away by the ship’s automatic transport system. “I’m happy to be working with you again,” Alan said patting her shoulder. She shook him off. “This is just a delivery mission,” she said closing her notebook gently. “If you so much as look at me the way you did on Zeta 79, I will make sure you continue colonizing planets for the rest of your days.” Her eyes were wild and cold as she turned and walked down the ramp. Alan followed her, trying to sound naïve. “What do you mean…I love these types of missions.” Silvia whipped around and put her hand on her hip. “I’ve heard the rumors,” she said. “The amazing and decorated Captain just wants to sit behind a desk and be a civilian.” She shook her head in disapproval and then disappeared into the hanger. Feeling defeated, Alan walked back toward the ship.

As he made his way to the front, he saw an awkward looking kid whose picture he had seen in his detailed file; he was marked as “biologist.” His name was Jackson Stern and he was the skinniest kid Alan had ever seen. He was sporting some outdated clothing filters that seemed to be set to sometime in the 21^st century with a dab of white sun screen on his nose to complete the look. Captain Recka strode toward the young man with his perfect dog at his side. He stopped and smiled at the kid, who jumped as a small robot scurried passed his feet with a tank of green fluid. “Good morning son,” Alan said slapping the kid on the back. Jackson looked up and adjusted his glasses. Then his eyes lit up. “Captain Recka. Thank you so much for accepting me for this mission. My team and I are so excited to learn the techniques for growing flowers in space. I’ll be documenting the whole experience, so we can finally start to…” “That’s great kid,” Alan said. He marveled in the thought of this kid looking up to him as some kind of role model. “We’re happy to have you aboard…taking care of the plants.” His eyebrows shot up and his smile was creepy. Jackson stopped talking and put his hand weakly to his forehead. “I look forward to working with you sir,” he said quietly. Then he hurried into the hanger and was gone in the crowd of robots and engineers. Alan felt a sense of pride as he pulled on Ruckus’s leash. He was finally ready to take his chair on deck.

Lift off was televised across the world and even onto other planets within the galaxy. The Administrator hobbled up to the podium to set the vessel off with a speech. He spoke about the final frontier and the great honor for humanity to be invited to the planet of the oldest members of the Alliance. The crew was deaf to his speech as they sat at their stations, waiting for the go ahead to hit their buttons. Space travel had become much more automated since Alan first started colonizing, and it made him uncomfortable to know all he had to do was press a button in unison with his crew and they would be off. At least he didn’t have to have a fancy engineer degree like in the old days. Ruckus was sitting next to Alan with a panicked look on his soft face. Alan could hear the robot feet clatter along the ship’s hull. He saw Jackson grab one that was running by and switch its basic commands for gardening. Silvia was filing her nails with her legs crossed and sprinkling pink stained nail dust all over the button she would be pushing soon.

Alan slumped in his chair and yawned. “Why is this taking so long!” he yelled. Silvia stopped filing and rolled her eyes. “This is an important day for humanity. You should be happier about it.” Alan gazed over at her with a stupid look on his face. “Out of all the stupid missions I have been on, this one is by far the stupidest. I bet this Alliance of ancient alien races doesn’t even exist.” Silvia looked up at him with ferocious eyes. “Our ancestors thought other species didn’t exist on other planets, but we clearly know today that isn’t true. Our mission is one of the most important in the history of space travel! We’re going to meet some of the most intelligent beings in the universe. They must have seen the sentient leaps humanity has taken when we interacted with other species and want to reward us for handling ourselves so well and building up a culture that can tolerate such meetings. Being in this Alliance could give us answers to things like disease, space travel and even trade!” Alan shook his head. “They just want to pull a big brother move and use our resources whenever they need them. It’s just more ET’s buttering us up and stroking our egos. They all want to see the human race fail.” Silvia scoffed. “Now you’re just being speciesist.” Alan ignored her. “What makes you think sentience and creating our culture is important to them? Sentience doesn’t mean much if were being graded by an older race.” “Of course, sentience is important. You have to be self-aware before understanding others.” Alan thought for a moment. Then he said, “Epsom 243. We landed and met some seemingly friendly ET’s, but then they thought it would make us feel honored to sink our home ship in a river and separate people’s skin from their muscles while they were still alive. Sentience isn’t always the one factor to judge a world.” Silvia scoffed again and set her key into the slot in front of her. The countdown had started while they were talking, and it was on 3 now. “2…1,” the ship said through the speakers. The crew pushed their buttons in unison and the ship lurched forward. They were on their way toward outer space.

After a few weeks of floating through space, everyone was set in their roles for taking care of the cargo. Alan mostly stayed on the bridge, pretending to monitor the route and ship, even though everything was automated. Jackson watched the plants with extreme care as the seedlings started to grow into different flowers and vegetables. Silvia's job was to watch over the animals. She had started to love taking care of the hamsters and chimps. She watched the hamsters move on their wheels and scamper around their cage. She came into the room, smiling at the cage with a bag of food in her hands. She was about to pour the pellets into the bowl in the corner when she noticed the hamsters acting a bit odd. She could hear soft voices and they had formed a circle, with one golden haired hamster in the middle. Silvia stared into the cage like she was watching a soap opera. The hamster in the middle was being punished for not following the 10 rules of the cage. His punishment was to be buried in the corner underneath the woodchips without food and water for 2 sleep cycles. The cute little hamster in the middle put two tiny paws together, begging for forgiveness. A large spotted hamster got up on his back legs and landed on the golden hamster pushing him to the corner of the cage. The circle broke as others helped to push him into the corner. Then all the hamsters shoveled woodchips on top of him, burying his whole body until all Silvia could see was a small little clump of golden hair sticking out of the top. Then they dispersed, and the golden hamster sat there quietly in the corner. The others went on with their business, but the large spotted one hopped up on his hind legs again, looked at the bag of food pellets in Silvia’s hand and saluted her. Silvia stared into his dark eyes and wondered if she was dreaming. It didn’t have the essence of a dream, but she couldn’t think of any other logical explanation. Then the other hamsters came over and started to bow and chant at her. Their voices were high pitched, and their dark eyes stared up at her like they could pierce her mind. She couldn’t take it anymore. Silvia threw the bag down and ran out of the room screaming.

Silvia went to go find Jackson for reassurance that she wasn’t crazy. Jackson was lying on the ground with a book in his hands, seemingly reading to the plants. She stomped on the dirt crying into her hands and making her makeup run. By the time she had reached Jackson, she was sobbing uncontrollably. Jackson huffed and put his book down. His face turned red with anger as he heard her crunching through the plants. Silvia threw herself into his arms and soaked his shirt. His anger dissolved as she clung to his chest. “I…don’t…know…what…to…do!” she said hiccupping as she spoke. Jackson could feel her body press into his and felt excited. He knew the Captain had been wanting Silvia for himself and now Jackson was holding all the cards. “Shh,” he said rocking her, trying to ignore the huge boot print stamped into his garden. After a while, Silvia straightened up. “Ok, this is going to sound insane. I need you to confirm something for me in the animal room.” Jackson looked at her and smiled, imagining all the things she could possibly want to show him. “Of course,” he said, his voice cracking on the last word. “Why are you so upset?” “Just…come with me,” Silvia said taking his hand. Jackson smiled as he followed her toward the door.

The door slid open to the animal room, where the hamster cage sat in the middle just as Silvia had seen it a few moments ago. The hamsters sprinkled around the cage some napping and others running on the wheel or taking a drink of water. The spotted one was sleeping underneath the plastic tunnel in the middle of the cage. Jackson looked over at Silvia slowly. “What…what did you want to show me?” he asked. Silvia stared blankly at the cage. “Well, they were in a circle and…” she looked for the golden hamster who had been punished. “Over there!” she exclaimed as some of the woodchips wiggled. “That one was on trial for breaking some rule. He was punished by being buried in the woodchips without food or water and that one.” She pointed to the spotted one. “He pushed him into that corner and they all helped to burry him. Isn’t that a little odd for hamsters?” Jackson just stared at her after she was finished with her story. Then he looked at the hamster in the corner. “You know, they do that normally. That’s some imagination you have.” Silvia could feel her eyes twitch. “It wasn’t my imagination you idiot. I think something is going on with the ship.” Jackson wasn’t listening to her anymore. He was staring at her lips longingly and subtlety erasing her clothes in his mind. Then he heard her voice go up an octave. “Just calm down. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation.” He couldn’t think anymore about her problem. He assumed she would go to the captain with this trouble and he would lose his chance. He tried to mimic Alan Recka’s fake confidence. “How about we go back to my room and see where the night…takes us,” he said tracing an unmanicured finger down her arm. Silvia stopped, stepped away from him and then laughed for a long time. Jackson could feel his face burning from embarrassment. He wanted to run back to the green house, fix the mess this witch of a woman had made and lock the doors so neither her nor the Captain could get to him again. “That was great,” Silvia said wiping a tear from her eye. “I needed that. Your probably right, it was just my imagination. They’re just normal dumb hamsters after all.” Jackson nodded as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Your welcome,” he said meekly. Then he turned and walked away. At least he had the image of her naked, even if some of it was borrowed from Superwoman. Feeling silly, Silvia looked back at the cage. The spotted hamster had been woken up. Silvia looked at him blankly, and then continued her chores. She grabbed a bag of fruit, cut some up and slid bowls of it into the chimps’ cages, conducting fake conversations with each one.

A few more days went by and they were more than half way to their destination. Alan had stayed quiet after being shut down by Silvia for the third time during their trip to have casual sex. Jackson, of course, was in the green house all the time now, so it was up to Silvia to make sure everything was running properly. She went through her weekly routine of checking the robots to make sure they were functioning properly. She checked the ship’s log and updated it to make sure they stayed on course and then she went into the animal room to feed and clean. When the door slid open she stared into the middle of the room in disbelief. The hamster cage had been pushed to the side and the hamsters were furiously squeaking at the chimps who were now in the middle of the room. They had climbed out of their cages, pulled over a small table from a closet and had started playing poker with snacks from the human fridge, fruit and cigars. Silvia couldn’t remember checking off cigars on the ship’s cargo log. The oldest chimp looked up and smiled at her, his fangs making him look more devilish than friendly. “Care taker! Come join us for a round,” he said with an Australian accent. They were speaking to her…in perfect English. Silvia stayed still, feeling like she was caught in a tractor beam and couldn’t escape. Then as the other chimps turned to look at her, she panicked, dropped all her cleaning supplies and ran out of the room.        

With tears stinging her eyes, Silvia pressed her hand onto the keypad to open her bedroom door and then fell in as the door closed behind her. She locked it and sobbed into her pillow as her hands continued to shake. Five minutes later, Silvia heard a knock on her door. She didn’t say anything. “Lieutenant?” Alan said with a stern voice. “What happened?” Silvia ignored the Captain and continued to sob into her pillow, shaking her head as if he could see her through the door. “Silvia, open the door!” Captain Recka shouted. She heard the rejection from the keypad as he tried to scan his own hand. “I’m the Captain!” he yelled at the pad. “Give me an override!” he tried three more times and by the third time, his wish was granted. Silvia jumped when he sat on the bed next to her. “I don’t want to sleep with you,” she said angrily. “I’m not here for that,” he said patting her back. She pushed him away. “I’ve seen some of the weirdest things lately, so I can’t handle you and your…personality right now,” she said waving him away. “What happened?” Alan asked sitting up. Silvia sniffs and sits up with him. “You won’t believe me,” she said. Alan rolled his eyes at her. “Try me.”

Silvia told him about the hamsters and the chimps and how she had dragged Jackson in. “Between you and me, he’s a little strange. I thought he would be at his desk, but he was laying in the garden next to the rose bush.” Alan shrugged. “Maybe he was taking a nap.” Silvia’s eyes narrowed. “Look,” he said straightening up. “I will look for myself. You just stay here and…relax.”

Alan didn’t go check on the chimps or the hamsters. What he did do was look at the ship’s estimated arrival time to the Alliance planet. He was generally worried for his crew members’ health and the sooner they got to the planet, the sooner they could turn around and go back to Earth, where things made sense. They were only a few days away from the planet and he saw in the log that Silvia had contacted the Alliance for permission to land. The whole thing had been integrated into the ship’s autopilot and Alan thanked the stars that she had done all this before she went crazy.

Jackson had decided to stay in the green room from now on. Ever since Silvia had rejected him so maniacally, he hadn’t wanted to go anywhere near her or the animal room. He spent most of his time reading Shakespeare to his flowers. His favorite story was Romeo and Juliet. He had heard others criticize Shakespeare lately, but he knew everything the man had done was a work of art. He told himself that his readings were the only thing making the plants grow so big. Currently, he was reading Romeo and Juliet in front of the most beautiful rose bush he had ever seen. “What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” He stopped when he heard soft giggling that seemed to be coming from all around him. Then there was silence again and he continued. “So, Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd, retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title.” Jackson stopped again. “He’s talking about me,” said a voice from in front of him. Jackson put the book down and looked through the rose bush. He braved the sharp thorns until he saw a small bud blooming near the bottom. Next to the bud was a message written in a child’s handwriting that said, “Buddy loves Jackson.” Jackson walked through the garden and found more messages. He found one by the daisies that said, “Rose is a bossy weed.” “Hello?” Jackson said walking back to edge of the garden. A chorus of voices rejoiced as every flower said hello back. Above all the voices came one from the rose bush. The largest rose at the top quieted everyone down and puffed up her lower petal. Her inner petals created an expression of contempt and she moved the rest of her petals as she calmed the group down. The bush shook as she spoke. Rose turned toward Jackson and one inner petal curled up to look like a smile. The little bud at the bottom looked through Rose’s leaves and smiled at Jackson. Jackson smiled back and laid on the ground. He continued reading the play as sentient plants surrounded him to listen.

Alan sat in his room staring at his self-portrait, trying not to fear Silvia’s mental breakdown. An alert came from the bridge, telling him they would be arriving at their destination in ten hours. He decided to go to the bridge and watch the stars go by. It was dark on deck and there was a humming noise coming from the control board he had never heard before. As he got closer to the captain’s chair, he heard porcelain clinking together. He stopped behind the chair and heard laughter. Then the captain’s chair turned to reveal Ruckus balancing a teacup on top of his paw. “Ah there you are Alan, my boy. I was just telling the ship of our many adventures together. Do you remember all those smashing good times we had playing ball? It was absolutely delightful. I was just saying how you would throw it, but it would still be in your hand. I could never quite figure that one out.” The humming sound became louder and more rhythmic, like laughter. Alan laughed nervously, trying to comprehend what he was seeing. Ruckus maintained eye contact while licking some tea out of his teacup.

As Ruckus and the ship talked together, Alan snuck away to call an emergency meeting with the crew. He picked Silvia up and plopped her into a closet at the back of the ship. Then he dragged Jackson away from his plants by the collar of his jacket. Once the door to the small closet was tightly sealed, Alan turned to looked at his pitiful human crew. “What is happening around here?” he whispered angrily. “I know both of you have seen things. Silvia, you aren’t crazy about the animals. Ruckus just talked to me while licking tea from a teacup, which I don’t remember bringing and I’m pretty sure he was discussing some fond memories with the ship.” Alan paused and looked up at the ceiling, suddenly paranoid about his surroundings. Silvia started to cry and took Alan’s hands. “I’m going to need to see someone about this. They wanted me to play poker with them.” Then they both looked over at Jackson. Jackson sat as small as he could on the closet floor. Then he looked up with puppy dog eyes. “My plants have a crush on me,” he said quietly. Alan and Silvia stared at him for a moment. “So, what do we do. We’ll be there at any moment,” Silvia said. “They asked for something from Earth, we have to give them the things we came here with.” “No,” Jackson said glaring at her. “They have…feelings and thoughts. They're basically people. Who knows what these Alliance creatures will do to them.” “We could just go home,” Alan said putting his elbows on his knees. “You just want to go back home so you can sit at a desk for the rest of your career,” Silvia spat.

The three of them started arguing loudly until the closet door opened. There in the doorway stood Ruckus on all four paws with three of the chimps behind him and all the hamsters surrounding his feet, holding toothpicks like swords. “There you are. The ship wanted me to convey to you that we will be approaching the planet soon.” The three humans just stared in wonder at the greyhound who had articulated his words better than any human they had known. “My new friends and I were curious as to where we would be landing, and we found something rather interesting. It seems as if this is a delivery mission and the cargo would be delivered upon arrival.” The dog cleared his throat and continued. “We saw the pictures of the cargo and everyone is quite upset with you. Of course, I assured them you wouldn’t allow such a thing. Unless…” he paused when the three of them looked away from the chimps and hamsters. He turned to Jackson first. “Rose and Buddy will be very disappointed to hear this.” “No wait!” Jackson yelled holding his hands up. “We can find something else to give them. Our government made up the silly organic rule, but the Alliance just wanted things that represented life on Earth. We can surely find things like that around the ship!” Alan rolled his eyes and Silvia snorted. “Is this so you can go back to making out with your flowers?” she asked with a tone of disgust. “The Alliance controls the fate of mankind in the universe, Silvia. You of all people should know that. I thought you would be a little more respectful.” Silvia's glare was deadly, but she said nothing and looked at the Captain who had barely been listening. He had sat there staring at Ruckus and imagined how amazing a life with a talking dog would be. “We realize this isn’t normal,” said the old chimp coming from the back to address them. He was just as terrifying as Silvia had remembered. “We know most chimps and flowers and hamsters don’t speak, but we would really like to go home.” He was polite and held his arms behind him like a waiter and the finest restaurant in New York City. Silvia’s heart melted and although she loved the thought of pleasing the only aliens more civilized than humans in the universe, she empathized with her Terran cousins. “There has to be something else we can give them,” she said to Alan, who was still staring at Ruckus with his mouth open. The dog turned to him and the skin on his forehead furrowed, like he was scowling at the Captain. “Alan, you are the captain, now show some leadership. I must say, I can not stand it when you get like this.” Alan shook his head and looked around dumbfounded. “Ah, hopeless,” Ruckus said smacking his paw to his head. “Alright, everyone split up and we will find something to give these aliens.”

Silvia went with the Chimps to collect things from their cages and the flower beds. Jackson went to his room and searched through his luggage. He found a Cold Play CD and beamed with delight as he stuffed it in his pocket. Alan still stared at Ruckus, who was growing impatient. The Captain went to pet his dog and was attacked by small rodents with toothpicks. “Now, now little ones,” Ruckus said gently. “Why don’t you go back home and help the others.” The hamsters glared at Alan, squeaked some obscenities and then ran after Silvia with their wooden swords in their mouths. Ruckus turned back to Alan. “Come along. I’m sure we can find something in your room.” With that, he grabbed Alan’s shirt in his mouth and walked him, like a dog, back to his room.

Alan was able to take everything in and when he finally did, he hugged Ruckus with tears in his eyes. “I knew you would always be there for me,” he said looking into the dog’s now sentient eyes. Then he ran the rest of the way to his room. Alan searched through his cabinets and closet and found nothing worthy of representing life on Earth. Then on the floor, he spotted his backpack. He knew it hadn’t been cleaned out recently and he was hoping to find some presentable treasures inside. As he fumbled through the pack, he pulled out three different Chinese menus and a handful of green spearmints, most likely from those same Chinese restaurants. With menus and mints in hand, he and Ruckus went to meet everyone on the bridge. Together they gathered everything into the wooden box given to them by the Administrator. Silvia had grabbed some skin cell samples from the animals and dirt from the plant boxes. She told Jackson that his plants had been very rude to her when she went in. Alan threw in his menus and mints and Jackson put in his Cold play CD. “Really?” Silvia said sarcastically. “It’s a classic, we can tell them its magical or something,” Jackson said angrily. “They’re the oldest beings in the universe. Magic isn’t going to convince them that this CD is good.” “Enough,” Alan said separating them. “We can explain how important music is in general, show them some authentic Terran cuisine and give them authentic DNA from plants and animals,” Alan said piling everything into the decorative box provided by their government. “Then, we will figure out how to describe this mess,” he said pointing around at all the talking animals. “On our way home.”  

The ship landed on the distant planet and then told the crew the oxygen and nitrogen levels were the same here as on Earth, so there was no need to wear their suits. Ruckus and the chimps wished them good luck as they walked off the platform and into the sunlight of the strange planet. As they walked away Jackson swore he could have heard one of the chimps whisper “dead meat walking.” The topography and plant life were eerily similar to Earth. They were greeted by two tall and slender figures who stood at the entrance of a long bridge leading to a beautiful central building surrounded by what looked like lava. “Hello Terrans,” one said in perfect English. “We are the Elders of the Alliance and we thank you for coming.” Alan tried to act posh and held the box of garbage proudly.

The Elders led them down the bridge and into the building. It was the perfect temperature and humidity. The three humans breathed in the perfect air and smelled the ocean even though salt water couldn’t be found anywhere. There were ten floating chairs in the center of the room. One Elder sat in the most middle chair, looking down and smiling at the humans. Alan, Silvia and Jackson walked towards him and all the chairs moved closer. Alan stared at the tall aliens, marveling at their beauty. He still didn’t trust them, but he had never seen any extraterrestrials so civilized and friendly. Silvia took the box from his hands and bowed. The Elder in the middle chair was now standing. “Hello,” he said with a calming voice. “I am known as the Illustrious one. We acknowledge the length of your journey and appreciate the visit.” His skin was dark gray with small patches of red fur on his face. He had wrinkles that settled on each corner of his slim mouth which created a permanent smile on his face. “We have gathered some…objects from Terra for you to understand the life on our planet. Thank you for your invitation to join your Alliance,” Silvia said standing up and offering the box. She stretched to the tips of her toes to be level with the Illustrious one’s hands. The alien ruffled through the box with interest. Silvia recited the speech everyone had prepared together. “We have brought you a list of authentic Terran cuisine, with some of our favorites circled in red.” She pointed to the menus as the Illustrious one pulled them from the box. “We also have authentic music…in which we use to keep our people calm and get our young ones to sleep. It’s called a compact disc.” The Alien held up the Ziploc bag with a confused look on his face. “Oh, and those are actual samples of animals and plants found on our planet. Some are from distant relatives in our evolutionary line, and some are from our cousins with whom we share 99% of our genome with.” The Illustrious one picked up each item, examined it carefully and then tossed it to the being next to him. Then he set the box on the floor and turned back to the humans. “We have prepared a feast in your honor. Please join us in the dining room.” Silvia almost jumped for joy as she followed the Illustrious one. Alan and Jackson looked at each other nervously. Alan prayed they wouldn’t have to explain the items in the box.

The humans were led down a white hallway. They were stopped and asked to sit on the floating chairs before entering the dining room. Once Silvia, Alan and Jackson were seated comfortably, the doors opened, and they floated gently into a room with a hovering table. Underneath them was nothing but the lava like substance that surrounded the whole building. It was nice and warm on their feet, but Alan and Jackson couldn’t enjoy it. “Is that…a pool of lava underneath us?” Alan said as three elders came in on their floating chairs. The Illustrious one stopped for a moment, like he was trying to understand the words. Then he smiled and the wrinkles on his face curled up. “Yes, though our “lava” comes from a different source than yours. We are sensitive creatures and require constant heat around us, especially while eating.” His chair flew around and settled itself at the front of the table. There were already food dishes sitting on the table; some the humans recognized and some they didn’t. On the Elders’ side of the table were purple fruit, some sort of animal carcass with steaming meat that reminded the three of them of pork and a few bowls of liquid which were all different colors and temperatures. In front of the humans were beautiful cakes, a large plate of every kind of meat, including crispy bacon and directly in front of them was a noodle dish with a bowl of small green mints next to it. Jackson stared at the noodle dish as the Elders started serving themselves. Then he looked at the mints. Before he could say anything, Alan was already grabbing the towering plate of meat   and Silvia had figured out how to work her chair, so she could slide over and talk to the Elders about their world. Jackson served some of the noodle dish onto his floating plate and then swirled a fork like utensil through it. He gingerly took a bite and his eyes grew wide. He put down the fork and then clumsily moved his chair closer to the Captain. “Alan,” he whispered as the Captain stuffed some pork chop in his mouth. “It’s Lo Mein. I think they knew what we would give them. That means they’ve been watching us…they know about the animals and plants.” Captain Recka pushed him away. “That’s impossible,” he said with a full mouth. “It’s just a coincidence. They also have any kind of meat you can get back home.” Jackson sat back in his chair. He did like Lo Mein and they had filled out a questionnaire before joining this mission that included a question about food. He sat back, letting in the comforting heat from the lava below and slurping down his weight in Lo Mein and cake.

Once the humans were stuffed silly, the Elders sent them on their way with promises of future alliances. As they waddled onto their ship, the Illustrious one waved goodbye from the bridge of the beautiful building.

 “We must congratulate the monastery on their phenomenal techniques. We’ve never tried the cortex manipulator on Terrans before,” the Illustrious one said after walking back to the central building and laughing for ten whole minutes with the other Elders. The whole building had been roaring with laughter as they watched the now sentient ship fly off into the sky. “What did they give us, Illustrious one?” another elder asked, pointing a long finger toward the box in the sitting room. The oldest picked up the box delicately as everyone gathered around his chair. He set it on his slender lap and lifted the lid. Inside was the baggie of skin flakes, the Chinese menus and the Cold Play CD. The Honored one, who sat a rank below the Illustrious one, grabbed the menus and flipped through the colorful pages of food, laughing hysterically when he turned to the Lo Mein item that Jackson had commented on while in the dining room. The Illustrious one took the CD from its case and balanced it gently in his fingers. “Cold…Play…” he said examining the CD and then the booklet that Jackson had kept wrinkle free inside the case. “To think they chose these items instead of the perfectly healthy organic life to present to us. They were willing to harm their planet’s status throughout the entire universe!” The young Illuminated one said. “They are humans,” said the Illustrious one. “They think sentient is the best thing a being can be.”

Author's Note

What do you think of the plot, was the twist enjoyable