A Walk Through the Park

This is a very short story I wrote when I was 15. It is narrated from the perspective of the child who is at about age 6.

Mommy and I are taking a walk through the park. It is autumn.

The wind is blowing the leaves off of the trees. I am happy when that happens. I like the way the leaves look as they twirl to the ground; red, yellow, orange. It is a very pretty sight. 

Then I see something that makes me feel very sad. 

I see a Mommy and a Daddy with a little boy. 

They are having a picnic.

I feel a hard lump in my chest as I turn to Mommy and ask " Why did Daddy leave us, doesn't he love me anymore?" 

"He loves you sweetheart, he just stopped loving me" she answers.

"Why?" I ask.

"It's too complicated to explain."

"What does that mean?" I say.

"It means I don't know how to tell you." 

Mommy sounds like she has tears in her throat. 

I turn to look at her and I see that she has tears in her eyes as well.

Then Mommy kneels down and looks into my eyes. "Honey, just remember God will take care of us".

"I think if He was really taking care of us, He would have made Daddy stay!" I declare.

"Listen darling, when God created us He gave us the power of choice. Your Daddy has made his, all we can do is pray."

"I don't understand."

" I know, but you will" says Mommy wiping off the tears that have made their way down my cheeks.

"I love you Mommy" I say.

"I love you too sweetheart."

Mommy then takes my hand and we head home after this long walk through the park.

Reviews

[Saul Greenblatt]

Interesting commentary on divorce as viewed through a child's eyes. Try writing in the past tense, too, and read what you writ out loud. When you hear a pause, you probably found a place for a comma, though you seem to know when to use a comma. You used the semi-colon correctly.
[Mommy sounds like she has tears in her throat.] Interesting but strange when one thinks of tears. mommy could sob a bit. Avoid starting sentences with a personal pronoun: I, we, etc. Doing so will force you to write compound/complex sentences that flow...not choppy. I...I...I...= choppy.

[flowetry07]

Thank you so much for your feedback. I think you're the first reviewer who as actually provided me with constructive criticism. I appreciate that.

[flowetry07]

I do want to add that choppy sentences are purposeful here because it is a child speaking. A six year old would not use complex sentences.

[Saul Greenblatt]

I'd like to see what you do with the past tense.

[flowetry07]

I will post something in past tense but this story is written in present tense. Also, I have read this aloud in a fiction writing class I took at my University. The tense was not an issue. I am not upset at your review, just stating facts.

[Saul Greenblatt]

correction: try writing in the third person.

[Calissa Knox]

Very emotional and beautiful write.

- Feather

[Alexx Wake]

The concept is nice, but the execution falls a little short for me. I feel like you had a great idea, but it just lacked believable dialogue. I have faith in your ability and I kind of look forward to reading more of your work. This one... I just really didn't enjoy all that much.

[Cassy Samuels]

it's a sad story that tells the truth...and i had no problems with your grammar or sentence construction. And i luv the idea..and i can just imagine it.

[Daniel Sala]

How well-written for some-one of fifteen. I see no grammar problems here at all, not that I'm an expert by a long shot. This is a touching piece and you convey the character through their speech well. An enjoyable read.

[Coyote Poetry]

A sad and beautiful story in the poem. Poor kids pay for the confusion of adults. I like how you create a place and serious conversation. Kid understand the pain of adults. You wrote a well written story filled with love and sadness. Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote

[flowetry07]

Thanks for your thoughtful review. I'm glad you are able to see the imagery and feel the emotion of this piece.