Losing and Finding Me

A Poem by Natasha Austin

Losing and finding me

I lost more than I thought

I wasn't gonna say a thing
Just sit there and let you wonder
while I made my plans and walked the path
headed to solitude and freedom
taking a long road to recovery with steps and methods
I went about my way with intention

told myself it was gonna be easy and a relief
that you would see the light and wish and wonder
but all the while I wondered where I would be
and who
as I planned and plotted your demise
and my rebirth

they hate me now, looking at me
like I was the blame
despite the pain you caused and perpetuated
they turn their eyes away
and grumble of betrayal
though it was you who left in spirit
and turned your back on love

Found myself, but lost more than I expected

I had to say something
had to make you (and them) see
that it wasn't me who lied and skirted around the truth
But I couldn't tell them everything
Only what they would understand
And in doing so, still lost their trust
because the truth was too hard to bear

While I watched and waited for the final curtain
you continued to grace the stage
but all things end
even the show you thought would go on
and on and on and on
I can't lie; I thought it would too
until something came along and swept me away from it all

and I watched and waited for it
only taking action when it never came

So I say nothing
just smile and play the part of serenity
until I can take back all I'd lost
in an unfair game that I was never meant to win

I find my way back to me
knowing it is with a lighter load
and that's ok
because at least there's more and better to pick up along the way