These Ghosts are Watching

Look my dear, up in the sky
Catch a star, or watch it pass by

Take your hands and wipe your tears
Come with me and taste your fears.

These ghosts are watching as we stand
Each breath we take, their holy land

They want to creep closer, but our life repels them
Starvation takes over and now we are taken...

I hold you closer as they grasp for us
They only want slumber, so give me your trust

Spinning around us, it's so hard to breathe
You've lost your senses and I'm lost in greed

I'm caught in their power, my hands take me closer
You are their prey, and we're hungry poachers

Now it seems time, one final say
Your heart feels cold, there is no delay

Rising around us, their evil thunders
Let go of fear, take in these wonders!

Now your heart slips, my plan has failed
No trust in me...my dear, you paled

They are upon me, tasting your flesh
Ripping and screaming, pleasured, not blessed

Senses fail and I'm falling, I yell!
These ghosts embrace me, welcome to hell.

Reviews

[S. Kimball]

I like this. You started off well and kept moving at a good pace.

For things I really liked, I enjoyed the lines "They want to creep closer" and "Spinning around us, it's so hard to breathe". The sentences themselves aren't works of art, but when they're plugged in amid everything else, they work quite well. I don't know how to describe it. They just "fit", for lack of a better word.

The only thing I'm not sure about is your use of the word "blunders". It doesn't seem to be in the same diction as the rest of the poem.

Well-done though.

[nono]

This is really cool you did a nice job writing it it's beautiful!

[.quan.011.]

I like this especially the end it really got me.

[marisa starkilicious]

What a turn for the worse. Lovely, and then...BAM! Nightmare fuel.

Very good work with the couplet string style. I've attempted it before and well...it didn't go too well. But this was absolutely perfect. Well done! :)

[Vannah]

0.0 whoa. I like it!!!!!!!!!!!

[Emunah June.]

That was really good, as always. I like the last stanza the most.

[momo]

its very interesting how its written i love writings like this its what i used to write about back when i was a sophmore great work!