Carmen Marie

A Story by nattibabe

Thursday, January 9,2014

11:02 PM

I saw you for the last time a little over a week ago. Though I knew little about your current state I remained optimistic as I entered those hospital doors. I became convinced that within that sea of sickness, your wide smile and crinkling eyes would find me first amongst the crowd. Instead my eyes laid upon a stranger. Her hair was flat and unkept. Her skin so translucent and pale under those eery hospital lights that her veins seemed ever prominent and blue as they left a zigzagged path up and down her small frame. But her eyes...her eyes are the change I remember most. Her pupils dilating in and out as she took in my appearance trying to place a name to my face. “It’s Natalie,” I wanted to scream, “your granddaughter!”

We got the call about your death 3 days ago. Death...it’s tricky and surreal almost. This is my first death to happen in my life and my emotions seem to be on a never ending roller coaster. I have good moments and bad I guess. It’s funny because though I knew this death was coming, the impact that it’s had on me continues to surprise me. For the longest time I assumed myself prepared. I had done my crying. I had said my goodbyes. And as that call came I can say I honestly was expecting it. I didn’t cry as I was told. I even un-paused the movie I had been watching at the time as I hung up the phone. Hours had passed with opportunities to mourn and nothing had triggered anything inside me that threw me into that state of despair and grief over the death of someone you love. That is, until my eyes laid upon the card.

You had a habit of sending homemade birthday cards to us every year. It’s funny cause I never had kept any of them and I remember distinctly intending to throw this most recent one away more than once. The front was beautiful. Three simple flowers in a pot. The pot shaded and shimmering as if it was lazily perched in the afternoon sun. The flowers, if I squinted, almost seemed to be swaying in the summer breeze. These little details I never bothered to look at before. The time you took creating something so beautiful to send to a granddaughter who up until now deemed this card as trash. It broke me. My heart broke as unexpected hot tears fell from my eyes and the sheer weight that you were gone crashed upon me with such a force it actually made me clutch my chest, certain I would feel my heart in two.

I’v never experienced anything like it. The moment was powerful. Raw. Almost spiritual. And I am so thankful for I needed that moment more then ever to mourn the grandmother I always deemed invincible. Hell, at 93 who wouldn’t expect anything less.

She was a firecracker. Always the life of the party, but the greatest listener when you needed it. I remember her for the reasons everyone who knew her does. Her caring nature toward her family. Her loud laugh as she entertained us with stories of her youth and the marriage she shared with my grandfather. Her ability to make anyone feel as if they had known her their whole life in a mere 30 minuets. Qualities that made her the unique woman she was. But, I also remember her for my own reasons. Her terrible cooking. The reading glasses she sported in all different shapes and colors. (In 21 years I never saw a flattering pair on her face.) The way she could’t go more then an hour without singing a chorus from a song no one would know. Memories that barely skim the top of who my grandmother was. And though I have moments where this death seems to dictate my day I know it’s only cause this experience is still so new and foreign. I have no idea how long it will take to put this experience behind me, but on days just like today when the news of her death comes in waves as strong as that very first night, I re-read her message in my birthday card. A message that unknowingly has provided me with a comfort I can’t explain.

She writes:

“I love you so much Natalie darling, be real good to yourself. I’ll always be here.”

-n.b.

© 2014 nattibabe

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Justin

amazing story!!! i can tell you and your grandma were really close, losing a grandparent is one of the worst feelings ever!!!!! i know you are making her proud!!! :) :)