The Dance

A Book by Natasha Ashway

'A daydream in the park...'This is one of my earliest stories. I've done some editing and revising since I first wrote it and still find it enjoyably magical.

Chapters

© 2013 Natasha Ashway

Author's Note

I tried out a new style of formatting to add to the dream-like feel of the story.

My Review

Would you like to review this Book?
Login | Register

Reviews

Marie

Love the formatting. It's as really good story.

Posted 16 Years Ago

Atlanta Carter

I liked this. It's sad in its happiness, happy in its sadness. As a daydream it seems long, but I enjoyed the imagery - obviously fantasy all the way."You remember. Do you remember my name?""Yes..."She put her little fingers to my lips."Do not say it. Not yet."Alas, you never give us her name. I think you need to. I can guess what it might be, but giving it to us explicitly would have closed the story better, brought it full circle.On the technical side, there were a couple of typos, but what bothered me more was that you didn't group your sentences into paragraphs. That helps your reader to group thoughts together - it aids flow and clarifies meaning. Think about it. You are also very sparse with your dialog tags. Just use some simple ones to help us. There were several points where I lost track of who was speaking."I don't know," I said glumly. "I don't know anything anymore.""You have forgotten?" she sympathized, tilting her head and stirring the lights round it.Here you have used them, but you should consider how important that adverb is. I think we can get the point without it. Many editors and authors suggest avoiding adverbs at all costs, although I wouldn't necessarily go that far. Stephen King calls it "Swifting." Jonathon Swift used an overabundance of adverbs. ...he asked longingly...she replied dutifully...he said assuredly - it does get old after a while. Show us the information through context instead. Also, describing one's self in a first person narrative like that is awkward. You do it more later. "She sympathized" doesn't really work as a dialog tag. It's a little contrived. You could have just used it as a sentence on its own, really but you would probably need a little more explanation."I don't know," I replied, looking down, unable to face her. "I don't know anything anymore.""You have forgotten?" Tilting her head and stirring the lights round it, she sympathized, squeezing my hand with reassurance.My version is still a little contrived, but using adverbs just tells us what she feels. Show it to us through her actions.In know this all sounds critical, but I usually can find more to say the better something is. You should be more worried if my review was short and noncommittal.Good work.

Posted 17 Years Ago

I liked this. It's sad in its happiness, happy in its sadness. As a daydream it seems long, but I enjoyed the imagery - obviously fantasy all the way. "You remember. Do you remember my name?" "Yes..." She put her little fingers to my lips. "Do not say it. Not yet." Alas, you never give us her name. I think you need to. I can guess what it might be, but giving it to us explicitly would have closed the story better, brought it full circle.On the technical side, there were a couple of typos, but what bothered me more was that you didn't group your sentences into paragraphs. That helps your reader to group thoughts together - it aids flow and clarifies meaning. Think about it. You are also very sparse with your dialog tags. Just use some simple ones to help us. There were several points where I lost track of who was speaking. "I don't know," I said glumly. "I don't know anything anymore." "You have forgotten?" she sympathized, tilting her head and stirring the lights round it. Here you have used them, but you should consider how important that adverb is. I think we can get the point without it. Many editors and authors suggest avoiding adverbs at all costs, although I wouldn't necessarily go that far. Stephen King calls it "Swifting." Jonathon Swift used an overabundance of adverbs. ...he asked longingly...she replied dutifully...he said assuredly - it does get old after a while. Show us the information through context instead. Also, describing one's self in a first person narrative like that is awkward. You do it more later. "She sympathized" doesn't really work as a dialog tag. It's a little contrived. You could have just used it as a sentence on its own, really but you would probably need a little more explanation. "I don't know," I replied, looking down, unable to face her. "I don't know anything anymore." "You have forgotten?" Tilting her head and stirring the lights round it, she sympathized, squeezing my hand with reassurance. My version is still a little contrived, but using adverbs just tells us what she feels. Show it to us through her actions. In know this all sounds critical, but I usually can find more to say the better something is. You should be more worried if my review was short and noncommittal. Good work.