Evanescence

I quit writing for a while, but I decided to write at 2am in the morning and this is what came out... please read and enjoy

Somedays
With the slip of tongue
Calling your name unknowingly

Lingering
For what feels like an eternity
Patiently, for no response

Sinking
Listening for the ominous
Sweet serenities of your voice

Vanishing
From beyond the horizon
So far away

Collapsing
Within this abandoned home
Begging mercifully for it to stay.

Author's Note

contrustive critism is welcome, sorry for any grammar mistakes!! cut some slack, I haven’t written anything in so long.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I understand this poem dear Nately.
"Sinking
Listening for the ominous
Sweet serenities of your voice"
The above lines, I knew. we wish for things, we can't have no more. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[petty102]

First impressions! I had to look up what evanescence meant, but it fits nicely with the theme of the poem. The short first lines start each stanza boldly and really emphasize the words -- I really like that! It's also a fairly structured poem, which can be tricky, but I think you maintain the same rhythm throughout the piece without deviating from your structure or sounding awkward.

I think I just have one suggestion: you have this awesome vivid imagery and you use it well to affect the mood of the piece. You also have a fantastic grip on adjective use, and you pick these great colorful phrases; however, you tend to double-up on adjectives where only one is needed. For example, "Listening for the ominous / Sweet serenities of your voice" is a really interesting combination, but I don't think it really needs "sweet." "Listening for the ominous serenities of your voice" is just as powerful, just as interesting a comparison, but without the extra "sweet" it reads more smoothly and has more impact. Just a few adjectives can really spice up a piece, but too many can dilute it.

Anyways, lovely piece, interesting format, and good rhythm!

[Ethan]

This isn't bad, but the lack of complete sentences makes it feel a bit disjointed. Good job, though!

[Natehy]

Meant to do that

[mournful bear]

Beautiful!!!!!! Great Mourning!!!!!! Touched me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Eliezer]

Interesting that you also use the word ominous to describe their voice. Perhaps even though they yearn for it, they also know nothing good will come of it if they ever responded.

Either way, pretty neat.

[wordman]

i`m sure a lot of people feel this way