chapter 10

A Chapter by carla

Entering my house is like going into a morgue. No one is around; it is so quiet only the dead could live here. It’s sad really but I have become accustomed to it. Dropping my bag on the couch, I head for the kitchen for a snack. Weird isn’t it, that I almost never eat a real meal. I guess it’s because I never really have a big appetite or a reason to make a big meal. After grabbing a banana and a yogurt, I walk to my room. There I plug in my iPod to the stereo and crank up the volume to drown out the rest of the world.

‘She walks to school with the lunch she packed’ the song starts and I freeze in my tracks

‘Nobody knows what she's holdin' back’ this song by Martina McBride always strikes a chord in me.

‘Wearin' the same dress she wore yesterday’ tears rim eyes as I turn to face myself in the mirror.

‘She hides the bruises with linen and lace’ there in the glass I saw a little girl. Fear etched in her features and bruises are hidden under her clothes but visible in her eyes. But there is also so much more that no one understands or accepts. Her black once shiny hair was in tatters; her tan skin was now a deathly pale with splotches of purples and blue here and there.

She had once been such a beautiful and sunny child. What had happened to her?

My legs gave out and I fell to my knees and buried my face in my hands. Why couldn’t I forget? That image still haunts me and no matter how much I change my appearance I can’t forget.

‘A broken heart that the world forgot’

Sobbing on the floor of my room, I drifted into a ghastly darkness of memories.

“No one wants a tainted child, Adel” I was curled at the far end of my bed as father came into my room. “I’m the only one who will ever love you. Like the song says I loved you first” tears ran down my cheeks as I covered my ears.

“No! It’s not true! Someone will love me!” I heard his vile laughter and felt his grizzly hand wrap around my ankle. Then I screamed and although I said it was a lie, I knew it was true. No one would love me. Through my screams all I could here was his laughter.

“NO!” I was drenched in sweat and breathing heavily. Shinedown’s second chance was playing as I slowly stood and looked at the clock; it was 4 in the morning.

‘Tell my mother, Tell my father I’ve done the best I can to make them realize This is my life I hope they understand I’m not angry, I'm just saying...Sometimes goodbye is a second chance’ if only it was as easy as they said it was.

Finally I was fully standing but shaking all over, lifting my hands I saw it was bad. I was letting myself express too much of my emotions, I had to pull back.

Suddenly Shinedown’s fly from the inside came on and I let myself listen for a little while before grabbing a towel and heading for the bathroom. I would take another cold shower to numb and wash away the remnants of the nightmare.

When would this stop? Could I ever live again? Why was this happening now? Was I not meant to find any peace?

I gasped as the cold water hit my back and ran down my body. Would I always have to numb myself before every day? It really did look like it at this point.

After eating breakfast, I took out thick book from my small shelf under my TV. It was a story about a couple who had a child and how things went wrong then right for them. I don’t think I could do what they did to go on. No matter how strong I think I am, a child is something else. Sitting on the couch, I starred at the pages but I wasn’t reading, I was remembering. As a child I had always anticipated growing up so I could have a husband and child; a family. But now I see that as an improbability.

A knock at the door brought me out of my reverie. Who could that be? Opening the door I find Zee, Rai and Belle standing there waiting for me. Then it hits me, we were supposed to go to the park today.

“Let me guess, you forgot.” Rai stepped through the door frame and into the hall way “go change we’ll wait” I was tempted to say I had changed my mind but it had been so long since I’ve been out and especially with someone else. Resigning to going along, I turned and headed for my room. Changing into a pair of blue sweatpants and a white tank top, I grabbed my iPod and headed back to the living room.

“Ok I’m ready.” Coming in I saw someone else there and it made me freeze, Ulrich.

“Ok then let’s go before the day runs away from us.” I smiled at Rai’s analogy. She took Belle’s hand in hers and led us out. Ulrich was behind me and it made my hairs stand on end. Why was he here?

The car ride was something I didn’t expect to be so…weird. Rai was driving and Belle was in the passenger’s seat but that wasn’t new. Zee was in the middle of Ulrich and me in the back seat but that wasn’t weird either. What was weird was that Ulrich sat next to Zee with a sour face. Maybe he didn’t want to be here, but why was he here then?

“We’re here!” Zee was so excited you would think she had never been to a park before. It was funny, I smiled, which I seemed to be doing a lot of lately. “Come on Adel lets go.” She was like a little girl. I opened the door and got out slowly while she jumped out.

“It’s such a beautiful day.” Belle said walking over to our side of the car with a not so happy Ulrich right behind her. I walked over to Rai real quick before Belle could get to her.

“Why is Ulrich in here? He doesn’t look like he wants to be here.” She looked over at Ulrich, who was leaning against the trunk of the car.

“Don’t worry he wants to be here trust me.” it seemed to me like he didn’t want to but then again Rai was his sister. Shrugging, I walked away and looked out at the park grounds. There is a huge field in the middle of everything, for any sport. There was a tennis court to the right and an old shack where people kept spare rackets and stuff. A bike trail curved around the whole park. The sun was shining bright and I could tell we were the only ones there. Suddenly a feeling, like freedom, came over me and I walked to the start of the bike trail. Crouching into a track runner’s position, I imagined myself on the track from my childhood. I had been the best and maybe I still was.

Closing my eyes and letting my mind go back to the feel of being on that track, I was ready. I took off at my mind’s own gun shot. The wind wiped at my face and my feet hit the ground propelling me forward. Not even the hounds of hell could catch me now. Free, I was free of everything binding me to this sorrowful life of mine.

“Woohoo!” it was like a slap to the face, zee’s cheer. I slowed and eventually came to a stop. Looking ahead, I saw the expanse of the trail and that I was still so far from the finish, like always. Sighing, I turn and walk back towards the others. Would I ever reach the end?

“Didn’t know you could run like that. Maybe you should try out for the track team sometime.” Rai gave me a pat on the back as I walked to the playground.

“I don’t think so.” Was all I answered before residing back into my own world. They seemed to get the drift that I wanted to be alone because they went on with their activities as planned. Needing to block out the rest of the world I pulled out my iPod from my pants pocket. Finding the swings, I took a seat on one of them. How long had it been since I enjoyed being outside? A breeze blew in my face as if to say far too long. Turning on my iPod, I laid my head back against the chain of the swing and basked in the feel of the sun on my face.

Suddenly, Evanescence’s song bring me to life came on and it made me think of myself again. What was I doing? There was also someone else who it made me think about and he was walking along the tree line of the park, Ulrich. He could see me so well and knew me so well too without knowing me at all. How was that even possible?

“Save me from the nothing I’ve become.” I whispered to the wind and hoped it could carry my message to someone, anyone. I was so lost and needed help getting back onto the path I wanted. As if hearing my prayer Ulrich stood from where he was crouching and looked over at me and our eyes met. There in those ocean blue eyes was a fire so intense it scared me more than I thought possible. Quickly, I looked away and started to move the swing back and forth. That was something I had been seeing in him for years but what did it mean?

Out of the blue the scent of a flower came to my nose and I swiftly looked up to see a forget-me-not being held out in front of me.

“For you” it was Ulrich who was now standing in front of me. He wasn’t looking at me, rather looking at the ground. And I could swear he was blushing and that made me smile. Gratefully, I took the flower and smelled the sweet aroma. Thinking it only polite, I also took out my ear buds and looked up at him with a smile.

“Thank you” he gave me his beautiful half smile and stood there a little awkwardly. Gesturing to the swing beside me, I invited him to sit with me.

“Adel?” I was busy smelling the flower and thinking when the last time was that someone had given me flowers or any gift for that matter. Sitting next to him gave me a feel of déjà vu, as if I had done this before. But when and where? Then I noticed he had called me.

“Yeah?” he sighed as if not knowing how to say something. “Don’t get all worked up.” I told him making him look at me and smile sweetly. My heart in that moment felt like an ancient historic artifact that had been frozen in ice and that one smile was like a flame that thawed it out.

“Adel I was wondering if you were busy this weekend.” This was a shock to me and it must have shown on my face because he chuckled.

“Well not really except I have to work at the library. That is if I still have a job.” I told him and his face seemed to fall, making my inside wrench as if punishing me for being stupid. “But that’s only in the mornings, I’m free in the afternoons.” At theses news his face lit up and so did my very being. What was it about him that made me feel this way all of a sudden? And why was I even trying to find a way into his life? If I got too close one of us would end up getting hurt, I knew.

“Awesome, so you want to hang out then?” I should probably say no, or I’m sorry and make up an excuse but I wanted to say yes and let go for once.

“Sure you can pick me up at the library when my shift is over.” I told him and it felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, so when I smiled this time it was more heartfelt.

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