chapter 1

“Stop it!” I heard my mother cry.

“Shut up bit-“I covered my ears at the sound of his voice. He was drunk again. My mother had sent me to my room, as if that would protect me. He always comes home like this, but tonight would be different. Tonight he would take out his fury on me in a way worse than a beating.

          I heard my mother scream and then him stomping up the stairs. I quickly scrambled to my closet and crawled as far back from the door as possible. Pulling my legs to my chest, I closed my eyes. Why couldn’t I have gone with my sister the night she ran away? My life might have been different.

          “Where are you?” I cringed, he was in my room. Suddenly the door flew open and there stood a shadow towering over me. “There you are you little brat” he grabbed me by my hair and dragged me out. I screamed more from fear then from pain.

          “Leave her alone, John!” I faintly remember my mother crying.

           He threw me on my bed and then turning around I see him taking off his belt. I thought it was another beating until he began to undo his pants. No. Not that! Tears streamed down my face.

          “Please papa, no” he simply grunted and reached out for me and grabbing my ankle he pulled me closer. I screamed and he slapped me.

          “Shut up!”

          “No!”

          “No!” I woke up screaming, drenched in sweat and tears running down my face. I looked at my darkened room and took a couple of calming breaths. It was dark and only a crack of light came from the curtains.

          10 years and I still had these nightmares. Why couldn’t I forget? This dark shadow of a past haunted my every thought. I was cursed to carry this horror with me for the rest of my life. Never trusting anyone. Always fearing the touch of others. Fear of losing control and hurting others. This was my life.

          I got up, grabbed a towel and headed for the bathroom for a cold shower to wash off the remnants of the nightmare. Gasping when the water hit my bare back and the cold seeped all the way to my bones, I tried to remember how it felt to take a warm shower. Many years ago I had decided go through life numb and not feel anything. It made it easier to not feel anything at all then to have to suffer the pain.

          Walking back into my room I looked at the rose on my nightstand. It was dead now but I still kept it, along with the small paper that had come with it. When I had first come here someone had left it for me and although I knew I shouldn’t have kept it, I was drawn to it. Its beautiful white petals reminded me of the light that used to be in my life.

          Quickly I changed into a pair of dark blue jeans and a black tank top, with a dark blue hoodie over it. Then I head to the kitchen/dining room for breakfast. A bowl of cereal and the silence of the house surrounding me. Alone as always. How long have I been alone? Will I stay alone for the rest of my life?

          I stand grab my book bag and head for the door. It was like this every day, why did I keep hoping for it to be different? It was only 5 in the morning but since I didn’t have a car, I had to walk to school and that took about an hour. ‘Might as well get going’ I told myself. As I walked I got lost in my thoughts.

          I have been here for 4 years and yet it’s still not a home. It’s more of a hideaway I guess. Leaving right after my mother died, I thought it would be easy to start over but it’s harder alone. First I searched for my sister but she disappeared, figures. With the money my mother and I had saved for this specific purpose, I wondered around the country looking for a remote place to start over.  Would I be safe for long?

          Soon the school came into view, Bison high school. Yep I lived in little bison, South Dakota. A rural, not very know place, it was perfect. Yet here the outsiders were seen as just that, outsiders, intruders. It takes time for you to be welcome here as one of them. I wonder how long, it’s been 4 years and yet I’m still seen as an outsider. Maybe some were never welcome. Who knows and who cares?

          Cars were coming in as I walked up to the school. The school had no policy for walking to and from school. Since I was the only one who walked it was really not important apparently. Taking a deep breath I walked into the parking lot, it was the only way to the school’s first building. I did this every day and they did the same thing every day yet I still couldn’t get used to them. Their stares bore into my back and I would give anything to just turn around and begin walking and never stop. But I wasn’t about to let them see me run away.

          Then I walked in front of ‘the in group’, a bunch of snobs and jerks. Especially that Crystal Bithly a.k.a. Crystal Bitchly, her and her gang were the Nazis of the school, they are the reason school is torture. Someone caught my eyes and that’s when I saw him. Ulrich ‘the hottest’ guy in school, he wasn’t like the rest of that group. He was actually quite nice, I only see him in math class and in lunch. But I didn’t really act like most girls and worship the ground he walked on, I had pride. Crystal saw me looking and looked like she wanted to say something but I gave her a ‘say something and you die’ look and she backed off.

          When I first arrived here I was 11 and in elementary school still and Crystal was the first to try and put me down. I was going to ignore her at first but then she pushed me too far. And well let’s say there is a small scare above her right eyebrow that will always remind her not to mess with me. Smirking I look ahead and walk into the school. Not knowing that today would change the rest of my life, permanently.