chapter4

It was Saturday morning and I had slept better than I had in so long. ‘I had a family’ I kept telling myself and yet it was still so hard to believe. A knock at the door brought me out of my reverie.

                “Come in” I called and Mrs. Jones came in.

                “We are heading out to go to the park for a charity drive and I was wondering if you would like to join us.” My heartfelt weird but good, I smiled and got up off my bed.

                “I would love to.” She smiled happily, said a quick ‘great’, turned and left.

                It was late June and warm so I decided to wear a pair of black sweat pants and a dark blue wife-beater.  Outside I was tackled by the little ones; Jimmy, Cindy, Jonny, and Abigail.  Dianna, the baby, was already seated in the van.

                “Alright everyone let’s go” Mr. Jones called and every one climbed into the van. I had to admit I was as excited as the kids. Not even as a child in the orphanage did I play in the playground. We weren’t allowed to go out. If our own families didn’t want to see us one else wanted to, that was what the head of house told us. She wasn’t a very nice lady and she didn’t like children but the orphanage was all her mother had left her in her will.

                Sometimes I wonder what happened to that old orphanage. Would I ever see it again? After all that was where I grew up and spent some of my childhood. What about the other kids? Did they get out? If they did, what became of them? These were the questions running through my head every now and then. Was it a good thing to be thinking these things? Some would say I was guilty or perhaps regret about leaving all those others behind. But I didn’t really feel anything anymore. Almost anything.

                Then that’s when I began to think of Ellena. I didn’t really know her but I felt something for the first time in years. Looking up into the clouds I saw images come and go. The clouds swirled above, the sun’s rays breaking through every now and then. What would it be like to be a cloud? To just float above the world and watch as everything passed by? Imagining myself in the endless blue of the sky, I lost myself, as I so often did, in my thoughts.

                “We’re here!” Mrs. Jones exclaimed bringing me out of my reviver. I smiled fondly as the kids cheered and laughed as they got out.

Slowly I stepped out and took a look around. People were everywhere doing all kinds of activities and enjoying the day. Everyone was happy. Never had I seen so many people in one place and all were happy to be here. There was a parking lot and in front of it was a huge field. To the right of the field was a playground and to the left was a building. A side walk was placed around the field and playground for bikes and people to walk. 

Author's Note

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Reviews

[Casper Cross]

You are a really good writer and while this has some good qualities to it I have seen you do alot better. Let me try and break this down for and see if I can give you a couple of pointers.

It was Saturday morning and I had slept better than I had in so long. - While nothing is grammatically wrong with this sentence, it doesn't flow the way I think you want it to. You tell the reader why the narrator hasn't slept in a while but you might want to bring more emotion to your writing. For instance: It was a Saturday morning, the light from the window spilled across the floor and as I lay beneath the woolen, my head dimpling the feather down pillow, I felt a sense of relief. For the first time in a long time, I felt rested and alive. I had not slept in so long but now I had a family. The thought rolled over and over in my mind like the littering of a thousand conversations in a single room.
Something like that.

“Come in” I called and Mrs. Jones came in. - Same thing here. You are telling the reader but not showing them. Here is a different example.
"Come in." I called. The oak framed door turned on silver hinges rolling from the entrance way where Mrs Jones stood in its place.

One other point - there are a couple of "passive" sentences. One example is this one.

She wasn’t a very nice lady and she didn’t like children but the orphanage was all her mother had left her in her will.

The passive part is" was all her mother had left in her will. Rewriting that sentence, taking out the passive part it reads like this: She wasn't a very nice lady and did not like children but her mother left the orphanage to her in her will.

In summary... the writing is fine... the story is good. You just need to focus on a couple of things: First, use more illustrative writing. Show it don't tell it. If Mrs. Jones "isn't a very nice lady" you need to show it instead of telling us.

Second, be very wary of passive sentences. They are hard to avoid in your writing because you often time write in the same voice that you use in your everyday language. But it sticks out in a piece of writing like a sore thumb. If you ever send something to an editor he will chew it up and spit it out if there are passive sentences in the writing.

You are doing a great job and you are getting much much better every time you write. So keep it up.

[Tate Morgan]

I need to tell you I have A.d.d. And While i fancy myself a amature at poetry I am no good at reading and rating stories I cannot keep thoughts together long enough to rate anything That is probably why i write in rhythme ad rhyme as i understad the melodical tunes of music hidden in poetry.I will tell you i tried to read your work but cannot concentrate that long I am sorry I will tell you i like your work i will rate it high but i cannot follow so long and hence i tend to write poems that are short as well
Your friend tate

[Tate Morgan]

I need to tell you I have A.d.d. And While i fancy myself a amature at poetry I am no good at reading and rating stories I cannot keep thoughts together long enough to rate anything That is probably why i write in rhythme ad rhyme as i understad the melodical tunes of music hidden in poetry.I will tell you i tried to read your work but cannot concentrate that long I am sorry I will tell you i like your work i will rate it high but i cannot follow so long and hence i tend to write poems that are short as well
Your friend tate

[Maria]

I love this story! keep up the good work