starting a journey

 

She reached the cottage, with Abidan close on her heels. She found Conall outside looking for her. He saw her coming and his face lit up.

“Neftali”

“Hello Conall I’m sorry but I can’t play with you today. I have something important to do.” She ran inside both boys right behind her. What did she look like? The mother duckling.

“Where are you going in such a hurry?” Conall asked as she was packing a small duffle bag.

“I have to see my uncle at the palace he is very ill and needs me.” Telling someone else made her worry even more.

“How long will you be gone?” now Conall was sitting on her bed.

“As long as I need to be” she had to get there as fast as possible. Then it struck her and she turned quickly around, almost tripping, to face Conall “Conall can I ask you for an enormous favor?” at this Conall’s face lit up.

“Whatever is in my power”

“I need a pair of horses” and Conall put a thoughtful expression on

“We need to hurry before father returns from the fields” and with that they were off.

Conall’s family owned lots of horses. Neftali knew that if Conall was caught lending her the horses he would be in terrible trouble, but she had to get to her uncle in time.

“This way” Conall led them to the stables. “You will have hurry. It is almost time for my father to come back and check on the horses.” He ushered them in and lead them to two beautiful horses. On e was a gorgeous creamy brown, and the other was an angelic white both with long slick hair down the side of their face and neck. “These are two of the fastest we have.” Neftali turned around to protest but Conall raised his hand in protest “you need them more than I do” he said and went to a closet and brought out a pair of saddles. Abidan took one and put it on the brown one Neftali took the other and fastened it on the white one. Conall came with a small bag and stroked the horse “her name is beauty and the other is mighty.” He handed the bag to Neftali “here is some food and water, you might need it” Neftali took the bag and hugged Conall, he didn’t do much at first then he hugged her back.

“Thank you, my boy” she whispered “I’ll be back with them soon.” She put the bag in one of the saddle bags.

“Don’t worry she was going to be a gift for you someday” he confessed to her as they road off into the distance.

It was going to be a long journey even with the horses. Just as they entered the forest’s shadowy wilderness and left the village behind, as a wave of clouds washed over the still rising sun and the light streaked blue sky and a curtain of rain began to fall everywhere.

“Aron!” abidan called to her as he rode up beside her. “Why don’t we take the main road back?”

“This way is faster.” She had to get to her uncle as fast as possible and through the forest was faster “just stay close, it’s easy to get lost out here.”

Author's Note

its a little short because i really couldn't think of anything at that moment but please leave reviews.

Reviews

[Casper Cross]

This is good writing:
It was going to be a long journey even with the horses. Just as they entered the forest's shadowy wilderness and left the village behind, as a wave of clouds washed over the still rising sun and the light streaked blue sky and a curtain of rain began to fall everywhere.

That is the best paragraph in the entire story. It gives just the perfect amount of detail while still painting the scene for the reader in a very lyrical sort of way. NIce job there.

[BeetleBug]

Please add on more! it has a great beginning, and plenty of potential!

[KisuKimmi]

In the first sentence:
She reached the cottage, with Abidan close on her heels..
You do not need the comma

In this one:
He saw her coming and his face lit up.
It may sound better to say
When he saw her coming his face lit up

It was going to be a long journey even with the horses
you need a comma here as well
It was going to be a long journey, even with the horses


In this sentence:
I have to see my uncle at the palace he is very ill and needs me
you should probably put a comma in:
I have to see my uncle at the palace, he is very ill and needs me


Neftali knew that if Conall was caught lending her the horses he would be in terrible trouble but she had to get to her uncle in time.
You need a comma
Neftali knew that if Conall was caught lending her the horses he would be in terrible trouble, but she had to get to her uncle in time.

"This way" Conall let them to the stables.
I think you meant "led" not "let"

"you need them more than I do" he said and went to a closet and brought out a pair of saddle
you need a comma:
"you need them more than I do" he said, and went to a closet and brought out a pair of saddle

Just as they entered the forest's shadowy wilderness and left the village behind, as a wave of clouds washed over the still rising sun and the light streaked blue sky and a curtain of rain began to fall everywhere.
This is good description, but I think it would sound better re-worded
Example:

As they entered the forest's shadowy wilderness and left the village behind, a wave of clouds washed over the still rising sun and the light streaked blue sky and a curtain of rain began to fall everywhere.

Good story ^_^