someone new

 

She was in a room with no windows or doors. She was on her knees and with her hands tied behind her back. Then she saw that she wasn't alone her mother, father and sister were right in front of her. She screamed their names and then they looked up but they were beat, with bruises and cuts all over their body. Just then shadows came and took out guns and pointed them to her family's heads and then the shots roared and she screamed.

Neftali woke up screaming. She was breathing heavy now, with sweat rolling down her face like a waterfall. This was the same nightmare she had been having since the day her family was killed. She laid her head back on her pillow and looked up into the darkness. She is 16 years old; she had watched her family die when she was 6. Afterwards, she was taken in by the king’s sorcerer, her uncle, and there she trained as one of the king’s warriors and shortly after became his right hand and bodyguard. The king was a kind man, he was loved her like a daughter; that’s one of the reasons he trusted her so. She left and told him she would return but she had a mission to complete. It’s been a year now since she set out to find her family’s murderer and take revenge. She is living in the village of Abrash right now. The place her uncle told her to look to find a clue.

"I need to get out" she got out of bed and dressed herself and went out.

She walked to the forest behind her cottage. Dark trees stretched out their branches as if beckoning her in to the darkness of their shadows. She answered their call and walked ahead and was engulfed by the never ending darkness. She kept going through the silence of the forest’s darkness, like the silence of death that has for so long hovered around her. The trees swayed from the easy pushing of the winds invisible hands. She came to a lake with an enormous waterfall at one end. It shimmered in the light of the full moon, as if each water drop were a tear crystal from the moon. She stripped her clothes off and felt the sudden chill of the wind seep to her bones. She let down her knee long red-black hair and dived in the cold water was like needles all over her body but then the feeling subsided and the cool feel of the familiar water helped her calm herself and wash away the feel the nightmare had left her with. As she was swimming she heard a rustle in the trees, she didn't react immediately, she simply waded to shore, and she still heard the rustle in the trees and much closer this time. she reached into her clothes and pulled out a dagger and threw it in the direction of the rustle and heard a cry of shock and a shadow came crashing down from the tree and with one quick movement Neftali had her sword out and was across to the figure and had the sword at his throat.

"HEY! WAIT! NEFTALI STOP!" she knew this boy. He was a village boy, only 6; he always approached her whenever he saw her. He had a small crush on her, cute. She drew back her sword and stood strait and stretched out her hand to help him stand. He looked away and blushed she just giggled and she walked back to her clothes and got dressed.

"What are you doing here Conall?" she asked him when she finished dressing. She turned and walked over to where he stood

"I was out walking." he said looking up at her

"uh huh" then she raised her arms and he flinched thinking she would hit him but she only jumped up to grab hold of one of the branches and climbed up in to the tree, she retrieved her dagger, which had only scared Conall not really hurt him. She jumped back down. "What were you really up to?" she then gestured for him to follow her. He bent his head and reluctantly followed her.

"I'm sorry" he raised his head and she looked sternly at him "but I was really out walking" then she looked at him harder and he put his head down again "then I went by your house and saw you go in here and I followed you" he finally confessed. Neftali let out a sigh.

"You shouldn't do that. I could've killed you." she told him kneeling down, so they were at eye level and putting a hand on his shoulder and looked at his face.

"I’m sorry Neftali. You just looked so sad I wanted to know what was wrong." he looked back at her with concern.

"Don’t worry about it Conall it is nothing" she then rose and offered him her hand "come let’s get out of this forest"

They sat in her kitchen with fresh tea in front of them. Conall then asked "so do you do that a lot?"

Neftali looked up from her cup confused "do what?"

"Go out in to the woods." Conall clarified

"oh, no I only go when I have too much stuff on my mind." she took one last sip from her cup "well we better get you back home." she got up from the table.

It was almost dawn when she got back home. So she got her gear and headed out to her daily training. She knew she would be early but she couldn't stand being stuck indoors.

While she stayed in the village she had offered to train the men of the village, some came some days and others didn’t even bother to come. This was a busy village and she knew that the men couldn’t say away from their work. She understood but she sometimes had surprise guests from the palace. Some of the king’s warriors would seek her out to have her train them. What a drag.

She was indeed early but when she got to the training site she found someone already there training. It was a guy. He looked about her age maybe older. He was tall, taller than her. He had dark blue short hair and as the rising sunlight’s fingertips stretched towards the sky his handsome face and well structured body, glowed a golden red and orange as if he were part of the sunlight. Then he spotted her and stopped and looked at her. Neftali realized she had been starring, she quickly turned away, his eyes where dark blue just like his hair.
"May I help you, miss?" he asked
she looked and met his gaze.

Author's Note

please leave a review i'd like to hear you advise and make this a better story.

Reviews

[Casper Cross]

All right very nice, you are the beginnings of a very intriguing story. Here are a few pointers that I would give you to help make it better.

First, setting is very important and you should work into the story and make it a part of the story. Answer these questions throughout this first chapter and you will have created the setting: Where are they (is this in Europe, Asia, California, or is it on a different planet all together, When are they (what time period is this it present time or past time or is it in the future). What is around them, (are there mountains, oceans, volcanoes, is it an area prone to earthquakes, or floods) Who are the people around them (Are they rich are they poor how do they interact and influence your characters.) That is setting and it is as important as any other element of your story.

Second, add more depth to the character. You have created a two-dimensional character. We know what she looks like and we know she has special skills. But she must also have emotions and those emotions influence her actions. When you start to dive into that you will be surprised how the story will actually write itself

[smith.courtney66]

yuo did this very well, but seriously it so cliche

[vamp writer]

it waas good! realy good. keep writing!

[Kira Leon]

You did very well on this. ^^ I like it alot, though some helpful hints, you should capitalize the words after you finish "Speaking" So it explains that a new sentence has started. Also, you should try different words out *I have the same issue* like in the beginning you used Dark/Darkness a lot.
But other wise you have a very nice story right here. ^^ Continue.

[smith.courtney66]

wow hun, this really is good though, maybe her personality should show just a little more. you know so the readers can know who and what she's about. that might help writing the story to make it easier. i can't tlk today :0 ;)