avalon

I would very much like to read the rest of this. I think you have a great story and an intriguing character. Still not enough here to fully gauge how great the story could be, but I think you are close.
Here are some examples of things you can do to broaden the piece.
Add more description of the setting. Create the world for us, "gnarled trees in the forest, the gurgling stream thirteen feet in depth that ran for fifteen miles north to south out of cascading mountains of blue in rising out the horizon" That sort of stuff. This gives you great setting. The part where her parents are killed. This is a great way to draw the reader into the story so expand on that a little bit.
Still, the writing is very good and it flows very well. I hope my examples help you in some small way. Good luck with the rest of your work.

Posted 15 Years Ago