More Than This

            See, these days I wonder a lot about what my life will be someday.

I crave so badly to be happy, and whole again; I need something to change, an orbital change, a blessing, something, or anything at all, preferably. 

                       I want to look back when I'm old in age, sitting in my nice house telling my kids about how much fun I had when I was young. I want so badly to have a life with something profoundly amazing in my life. I want the people in my life to notice how much more alive I am once I found said change. I can feel it coming, like the feeling you get before you go sky diving, or anything reckless and enticingly fun. 

          The pre-amp-ted strike before the calm of the storm. I long so much for a change in my life, I want to be happy, but I feel I can't with other people in my life... Someday, I want to move away from this town where everyone and their cousin knows everything you're doing; where my face, is just another face with secrets, and even some mystery. I want to have the fresh start of just to put it simply, a new existence.

              I want to have friends I can trust at all times, I want to have a guy in my life I can tolerate for more than 6+ months, somebody really meant to be in my life, I want to have the good stable job with a nice car and a nice apartment, and away from all the negativity that lies here; yet on the same odd level, I never want to leave.

  Everything's here. 

My life long friends, my sisters, my niece, my home, my whole life. 

Can I leave? Or am I just kidding myself? 

Who knows, man.

        Someday I'll find out what the real course for my life; I'm just going to go ahead and make a simple guess, it'll probably happen in a very long, long time.

The more girlish parts of me are hoping to find someone that makes me feel like I'm on fire when we touch, I want to be consumed in a love burning bright, and forever. I want an immortal fire so bliss I can"t breathe.

I want something worth burning for.

I want to sing so loud my lungs give out, I want to run on the beach at sunset and bask in the moment. I want to have all these moments worth remembering, but then again who's to say what's really worth remembering?

I know one day I'll roll over in bed and see my husband sleeping peacefully, I know someday I'll have kids and a nice house with a white picket fence just like I want. These things I am certain of, it's just the in between time I fear for. I fear the days I'm alone on the ground mourning some lost part of me hoping for someone to save me, I fear for the days I won't be able to get out of bed, I fear for the days when I don't think I can do 'this' anymore. 

I fear the days I need someone to save me, because in reality, this isn't a fairy tale. I'm not a princess locked in a tower, I'm a shattered broken human being praying for an answer. 

In real life, girls like me don't get 'saved'. We get up, leave the past behind, and move on.

Yet part of me wonders, how many times am I supposed to get up alone?

I wonder if my friends know I'm a wreck, and just don't care, or their just simply blind and dumb. My curiosity for the future and the people I hold around me has turned quickly to paranoia, and it's suffocating me. I break and break until nothings left but dust, and I grow so tired of breaking. 

I long so much to feel whole again.

I wish I could look my friends in the eye and smile without hesitation, and be able to say "I'm great guys, really!". More than anything for once I wish that could be true.

You said I could write whatever I wanted, and here it is. Everything I've needed to say for the best year, all out in the open for you to make your judgments on me, good or bad. 

Now let's go to the beginning, where it all started, the 'snap'. 

I think it started around the time I turned twelve, with a classic case of, mom cheated on dad, dad leaves, and boom. Just like that it hit me; nothing would ever be the same in this family.

So many lies exposed, so many ties severed, yet nobody once looked at me, and said, "How are you? Do you need to talk?"

My sisters never called me to check on me and mom, and they really didn't care in all honesty, and I don't think I'll ever forgive either of them for it. You couldn't pick up a phone and call or what?

But this is not a story about how I broke and killed myself, or decided I was going to, no, no.

This is the truth of it all; I'm pissed. I'm pissed off that if I go home and tell my parents I'm not okay, they'll do a body search looking for cuts, or just assume I'm on drugs because I 'look like the type to have a drug issue", I'm pissed off that the only way I'm allowed to share my feelings, and what I'm going through, is through a class assignment, I'm pissed off that nobody cares about me enough to notice somethings really, really wrong. Is that pathetic, or what?

So, in retrospect of everything I've ranted and moaned about, here's my philosophy. I'm going to go to college and get a masters degree in journalism, and get some sort of degree for creative writing, and go work at a music magazine. I'm going to move far away, and never come back to Cibolo or Schertz.

I'm going to start fresh and run for the hills, I'm going to run to California and hide in Mendocino Cali, and hope to God something changes in my life enough to keep me alive till I wake up surrounded by those I love in my own home.