finding happiness

She was lost and she didn't know where to turn to anymore. She cried and wanted to scream at everything, at everyone, at the world she saw but she held back because she didn't know why she felt this way. Everything was falling apart and she couldn't stop it, she couldn't do anything but blame herself. They hated her, all of them, everyone she knew hated her or at least they made her feel that way. She was so lost and alone, in a world full of people who acted as if she was invisible, all she cared about, was that things would go back to normal and the fighting would stop, even if hey didn't remember her existence after, she just wanted it to all be over. She was so tired, sick of it all, so confused to why it kept happening, she was lost and everyone she cared for, didn't see what they were doing to her, they didn't see how each and every time they argued, how it made her feel sick inside, waiting for death to consume whatever remained of her soul, but death himself had abandon her. Why though? Why would death waste his time on her, when everyone she cared about had forgotten her, had disappointed her in ways she couldn't even explain? She sat alone in the house she once thought was a home, wishing for once, she could be a normal person, with a normal family and normal friends, who would be there for her the same way she tried to always be there for them, but she wasn't normal, nothing about her would ever be and she thought to herself that she was asking for too much. Her purpose on this earth, wasn't for her to be happy and she believed it because every good thing that had ever happened to her, was eventually ripped away from her too soon, before she was ever ready to let go. It was disaster after disaster in her life an she was giving up now, this time she was ready to let go but every time she tired t escape, they would pull her back into the madness, no matter how far she would try to run, she could never get far enough, she was trapped and the only sad thing was, this time she didn't do anything to be there this time. She kept to herself and tired her best not to get involved but that wasn't enough because now she had no where to turn. She screamed at her existence, she couldn't hold it in anymore, the pain inside was stronger than her now, it had over come her, but what did she do to deserve all this, she had not a clue. The one thing that kept her strong, was the one thing she believed they hated most about her and that was the love she so openly had for him. She shook her head to erase the thought, she didn't care if they hated him, she didn't care if they hated her because of him. She wasn't going to give up them so easily, she wan't going to allow anything or anyone to take him out of her life, nothing was worth it. Searching for her way out, she had to say focus, gosh!, how she hated when she started to think of him, she could never find it in her heart to stop, running through the darkness in her life, she saw all the memories, everything she had ever done, good and bad. Finally!, there it was, the light, the exit from her misery and along the way all the answers to how she would get out of the place she thought was worst than hell. She knew she would have to make sacrifices to get to the place she wanted to be but she didn't mind, anywhere would be better than where she was at that moment. The tears filled her eyes when realization hit her to what she had to let go of, even if they didn't care, she still did but she was tired of living in the darkness, tired of always having to step aside while others took control of her life and now that she found the light to escape, she wasn't going to lose it, not this time, it was her turn to be free. She wiped the tears furiously away from her now red cheeks and ran towards her happiness, grabbing the answers to all her problems along the way. She didn't put a second thought into the things she had to give up at that point, she was so close and she wasn't going to let anything stop her from escaping the darkness she had dwell in her whole life, she had to reach it before it faded away, although it looked as if it would be there for  long time, she learnt throughout her life that nothing stays forever unless you worked hard enough to keep it and this was her forever. She was free, free to be herself, free to be the person she always wanted to be, to be where she wanted, to take control of her own life and she knew she was never going to lose that light she found because he was and will always be the answer to all her troubles. She was overwhelmed to be in his life for the rest of forever, for she knew he would never leave her to get trapped in the darkness that once was her life again. For once in her life she felt as if she was exactly were she supposed to be and she was safe.

That night, she felt her trust growing and wanting to be with him so she expressed her emotions:

"honestly I'm scared...scared to lose you...I need you in my life but what if one day you don't want me again? What will i do? Living without you is not an option for me! You are my life the reason I wake up in the morning! I love you and saying it alone doesn't describe how i actually feel. It's something more than love, it's overwhelming but at the same time, I'm terrified."

He didn't response, he didn't know how to, so he just held her but as soon as she thought things had gotten good, there they were again, ready to drain her for the happiness she had just found. A war within her family, she had always become apart of. She didn't know why she kept getting involved, when they were together being a family, they didn't think of her or where she was, they didn't think about how abandoned she felt being alone in that house, so why did she feel responsible for their fighting and arguing? Why did she have the urge to make it stop? To make things better with them, they didn't care about her in their happy moments, so why should she care now?!? All they did was make her life a living hell, all they did was take away the little bit of peace within her, she worked so hard to keep, so why couldn't she stand the thought of leaving them in harms way? Why did she feel like she needed to protect them, to make sure they were always safe? It was only then she realized she had to let go, no matter how much it hurt her to stop caring, she had to break free.