The Boy With The Emerald Eyes

The boy who held emeralds in his eyes

Fell for the girl whose twinkled, like a poet’s sky

He offered the girl all the pretty things he could find

A paperclip, and marble, and even a dime

But she refused to let him see anymore than her eyes

Not until he could find her the perfect prize

He sat and he dreamed of her blissful blue beauty

When he saw a gold figure, a shiny new key

He smiled and danced for he had found the prize

That would let him love the girl’s perfect eyes

He skipped and he sang, with the key in his hand

Then he stopped in his tracks; he saw another man

The man's eyes were full of classic white diamonds

A color people saw all the time

And he brought something better than a key

He brought her a leaf from his special moon tree

Slowly the boy’s smile became a sad frown

He threw out his key and turned around

He ignored the tear that struck his face

And started to pick up his sorrow pace

He ran, and the emeralds starting to shake

He cried, and his gemstones began to break

Shards as sharp as glass, struck the ground

He fell to his knees, and began to break down

He was broken, like the clumsy egg on the wall

His heart split in half, as he had his great fall

The boy’s lively eyes sparkled one last time

Then turned a typical grey, that could no longer shine

Author's Note

Please let me know what you think
(Is the reference to Humpty Dumpty in the last stanza noticeable?)
I hope the length of the poem doesn't cause people to leave half way through reading

Reviews

[Chrys Marie]

This was a beautiful read! I loved the imagery and rhymes, and I think the length of this one is enough to tell the story but not long enough to lose my attention. I just had to smile at the Humpty Dumpty reference. There's also a childlike quality to the story that I just found to be charming and captivating. I enjoyed this one!

[Addict With a Pen]

Thank you for reading, I really appreciate the feedback!

[ManasaC]

I love how the story revolves around the Gem stones. A very beautiful Sparkly piece. I wonder what would have happened if he went on with the Golden key. I love the Humpty dumpty reference. I just love it!!!

[Addict With a Pen]

Thank you!

[Hi]

I liked this; the gems are grandiose, but the simple metaphors fit the fairy tale like story quality well. Humpty Dumpty worked well in the story. Thanks.

[Addict With a Pen]

Thank you for the review.

[M. L. F.]

Oh, I like this. The fairy-tale-esque touch you have given this is really memorable. The Humpty Dumpty reference is clear to me and I did not lose interest with the length, the story pulled me easily through. Nice work..
..Misty

[Addict With a Pen]

Thank you :)

[mattavelli]

Hello, Addict! :)
Yes, the humpty dumpy reference is obvious. It takes away from your ending. The poem is not too long.
I think he should have given it a shot with his key. Your story flows nicely. Your gemstone eyes motif effectively added imagery and personality.

[Addict With a Pen]

Thank you for the review and feedback :)

[Emosawa]

I liked it, how do you do that?

[Addict With a Pen]

I'd love to answer any questions, what specifically are you asking?

[Emosawa]

Well, it wasn't really a question, more of a compliment you know? Like "How does your poetry give me chills?" That type of question.

[Addict With a Pen]

Okay :) Thank you

[Quinn W]

I absolutely loved this! I loved the reference to the "clumsy egg on the wall" and think it fit quite well. It was a bit long but I really enjoyed the story.

[Addict With a Pen]

Thank you for the review :)

[barleygirl]

Your poem length is appropriate for getting across your story with comfortable pacing, a somewhat playful (childlike) approach & interesting details. The reader never gets the feeling you're going on & on. To me, length isn't the issue . . . it's whether you have something to say the whole way. Your message fills up the full volume of your words.

I see this as describing how some of us aren't competitive . . . if we find ourselves in a competitive arena, we shrink into a pool of self-consciousness, lacking confidence. Your message suggests that some of us need to feel we are the center of the other person's focus, when the other person is the center of our own focus. This is SHOWN by starting out with "the eyes" to signify "focus". Speaking of metaphors, I like the gemstone (emeralds & diamonds) comparisons, but I felt a bump when you switched to "constellations" in the 2nd stanza cuz it felt like mixed metaphors (stars & gemstones).

All in all, you've done a good job of stating an understandable allegory in poetry with good rhyme & imagery.

[Addict With a Pen]

Thank you very much! I reviewed the poem and changed some metaphors so they don't bump as much. I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and give some feedback.

[Hannah Morgan]

I think this a very pretty poem and has an innocent quality where there are child like references.
Keep going. You have potential.

[Addict With a Pen]

Thank you :)