Sugar Snap Peas

You lay your head on me, the right side of my shoulder...

You lay your head on me

On the right side of my shoulder

Talking about sugar snap peas

And thinking of when we get older

You hand me the right side earbud in a hurry

I close my eyes and remember

The melody from our first anniversary

The sweet, sweet music we danced to last September

You take my hand and trace the flaws

Igniting nerves and feelings through my spine

You stop at every single scar and close your troubled eyes

I assure you everything's better now, I’m going to be fine

I want us to stay like this together

Not moving for anyone

Being able to keep our headphones in forever

And watch the rising sun

Author's Note

It doesn't even make sense but I love it.

Don't review too harshly, I don't qualify this as a piece of legitimate work.
The meters screwy and frankly the rhyming is terrible.
Still brainstorming for the right thing....
Just something fun for someone I want to love but don't know how to.

Reviews

[William Liston]

I totally agree with the first sentence of your author's note. I don't understand this at all, but I enjoyed it because it made me feel something (can't really describe the feeling). In the words of T. S. Elliot, "Genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood."

Also, I wouldn't advise you to beat yourself up over the meter. That's a difficult skill to learn, and as I can infer from my time on this site, it's a skill that most poets don't have. With effort, though, it can be learnt. When I first learned about meter, my first thought was 'what type of crap is this...I don't understand it at all.' About a month later, it just "came to me" while I was lying on my bed reciting Lord Byron's "She Walks In Beauty" in my head.

Keep up your efforts, HP. Sadly, many writers are not confident enough to explore different styles and post writing that doesn't make sense, and as a result, most of their poems express common topics in common ways, without a trace of uniqueness. You, however, have a special gift for uniqueness, and I especially saw that in this poem, "Ocean Ripple," and "Piano." Keep up the great work.

- William Liston
(P.S. The word 'september' in line 8 needs to be capitalized).

[Addict With a Pen]

Thank you, William, for your positive words and helpful insight. I really appreciate it!

[Bacchus]

...so am I crazy, if it seems to make all the sense in the world?
Maybe I just tuned into the same song at the same moment.
This one feels beautifully raw like the peas. Well done.
Almost would be a good painting with the words of your song around the boarder or filling in the background.

[Addict With a Pen]

I'm glad you liked it... Seems you found one of my much older pieces. Re-reading this it seems silly to me.. I think I'll set aside time to review this one. It's funny how emotions make you write crazy things,, but I guess everyone gets a shot to figure out what different writing means to them in different ways. Thanks for the feedback,, I'll take that into account when I look back at this one

[Sarah Junker]

I like this poem because it describes a moment but captures so much more than that.

[Lorry]

Nicely capturing two people just getting on with getting on, happy in the moment of each others company, knowing there will be more to come. Staying in the moment for any length of time is a tall order, but what is important is knowing there will be more of them to come, together. Great job.