The Road Birds and I

Our love was like a ride on the carousel...

Our love story, was like a ride on the carousel

The ones in the parks where they used to sell caramel

Oh what tunes the road birds would sing for us,

As they settled down with ten minutes till dusk

I remember on board you always fought for the horse

You liked it because it was original of course

I will never forget those carnival days

And the way you set my heart ablaze

 

Your favorite part was the bright cotton candy

They sold the pink sugar under our oak tree

Oh how it stuck to your lips so pretty pink

Hearing you laugh tied my heart in a kink

But the park feels very different now

The bird’s songs feel so sorrow

They cut down our favorite oak tree

But don’t worry Kellie all the road birds got free

Sometimes I come here just to remember

How much fun we had last September

Don’t worry I always bring you in my pocket

You and baby in my hand held locket

Oh how I wish I could hold your hand once more

I’d take you to our carousel, like I did before

Buy you a sweet stick of cotton candy

We’d just have to find ourselves another tree

If you were here by my side today

You would assure me that it’ll all be okay

In due time my Kellie the road birds and I will be alright

But for now on this park bench all I will see, is black and white

Author's Note

Only pain comes from writing at 2 in the morning... (Also It bothers me that some people will read caramel as Car-mel instead of Care-a-mel)

Reviews

[Cerebriation]

Even though this is an immensely painful piece, it is a fun uplifting read. The story has constant cartoonish undertones, maybe to mask the glaringly obvious emotion. This work tells a complete story, and the meter and flow are close to perfect. Awesomely penned, my friend!

[michaelet]

I love the story you told. It really felt like I was there and I saw everything you were describing so vividly. I like how I could easily feel what you were feeling and the emotions you were trying to get across. xoxo

[EdgarAllanPoet]

Haha, loved the rhyming!

Cool poem!

[Emily]

'Our love story was like a ride on the carousel'

Love it!
Love the way you started it!
Keep it up!

[Aks]

Very beautifully written..... Nice....

[Ruth]

Pain is felt through this yet it is so beautifully woven, each thought enveloped with love and sensitivity, beautiful :)

[Akshita]

It is such a tragic and beautiful poem! Loved reading it.

[Viv Wade]

So sad! There is a park near where I live, where years ago I had such happy times when the fun fair visited, with people who are no longer in my life, or walking through the trees with my dog, who is also no longer around. I can't bear to go to the park now, as it makes me too sad remembering the happy times that can never return, and those I loved who I'll never see again. This poem reminds me of that. You have captured the sadness that happy memories can bring perfectly. Nice write.

[Cas]

this was aboslutely hands-down wonderfully writen.

[Addict With a Pen]

Thank you, Scarlet

[JayG]

You're forcing the line to the needs of the rhyme, in some places to the point where it makes little sense: "The bird’s songs feel so sorrow somehow"

Readers notice that. But it's the thought that should engage the reader, with the rhymes seeming almost accidental.

You're also talking to someone, without making the reader know why, so they can't share in the emotion, only the words. But reader aren't looking to know that the narrator is mad or sad, they want you to make them feel.

The excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon—something I often recommend—will do a lot for you so far as prosody and structure.

[Addict With a Pen]

Thank you, JayG, for your review and advice.