Lone Wolf

Its not what it seems. It never is, it it? It is never what we think, what we believe, never even what we fear. this is life. a walk to remember, sometimes a walk we want to forget forever. the pain, the fear, the beauty of it, its all mixed in. All together. All meshed in. Can you tell what you feel at this very moment? I cant. Is this happiness? Is this anger? Is this fear? Is this hunger? I dont remember the last time i could tell them apart. Happiness/Sadness, Peace/the war inside. Tell Death from Life.

Its a funny phenomenon, I think its called acceptance. Accepting all you feel. No matter how complex or mixed it may be. All you think. Accepting life as it is. Life. Just LIfe.

One breath after another. One step after another. One look. One touch. It is all we make of these. It is all we take from these broken pieces we have. some pieces need to stay on the floor, some need to be thrown to the stars, left out in the cold as they had done with us. the rest, well the rest have to be pieced back together. To be brought back in different positions, different angles to fill those we threw away. It is how we let the cuts from those pieces heal. How we view the scars that remain.

I take a breath and it sticks in my chest, taking a hold of me, refusing to let go. embracing all my pieces, embracing all the emotions i feel and don't feel. One breath is all it takes for reassurance and for more confusion than you could ever think possible. One breath is all it takes to hold on to this Life and to let go of it all at the same time.

I want to run yet here i stand, strong and confident. You wont know the turmoil inside. The fear of every next minute. I stand strong as a tree. Firmly planted hundreds of years ago.Standing through the wars all around and through the greatest war; the one within. The one that breaks and cracks you to the very core. And i stand. Firm and tall. (I do say heels help with the tall).

I am filled with love. For those I lost. For those that stand beside me. Love, so beautiful and pure and yet so cruel and heartbreaking. Love, this love that we will never understand. The love that fills us with so much perfection in every little space filled with so much imperfection. This love, the one that can change so fast. Can break so fast. I have it here. Deep within.

I howl on the inside at the moon I think may be hope. Calling it towards me. Alone in the confines of my mind. I howl. A lone wolf. Praying for salvation. For hope. For a possibility of more than what seems so bleak. Yet as I howl i understand there is no bleakness in the here and now. That may be the future or the past, but the here and now? The here and now is the moment we live and breath and smile through the tears. Laugh as though we are insane. Fight. Just live a Little. But i still howl. With all my might i howl. Praying for an answer from whatever is out there or in here.

I howl like the Lone Wolf I have become. Smiling through my tears. Bleeding while heeling. Standing tall. Breathing in every single motion, every scent to take away with me to the deep bliss or dark abyss. If you hear me howl, dont be afraid. I’ll howl a little for you.