I am a man

The world passes me by. No one can see me, no one can hear me, no one can understand me. I am alone in this cruel world. Curled up in a corner, afraid to go outside, afraid to look into their eyes…

Why am I this way? How can they judge me for how I feel?

I did not ask to be this way, I wish to whatever being exists above or below that I wasn’t this person. Every moment of my life I wish for these urges, these feelings, these attractions to disappear but with every day all they do is get stronger…

My stomach fills with the most wonderful butterflies when I see his face. My heart skips a beat every time I see his lips, every time he moves his body. I yearn to touch him… I yearn to feel his luscious skin on mine… I yearn for every part of him.

They see the way I look at him. ‘This is wrong!’ I tell myself each time. I see it in their eyes; I see their judgment, their resentment! I banish my thoughts to the pits of hell, I pray for them to leave me forever. But here they are again, stronger than ever, willing me to act upon them. Driving me wild with the fantasies of what could be.

I am an abomination, I am not worthy of this great world. They show me every day how little I am worth. They show me every day how disgusting my thoughts are.

‘it is not normal for you to feel this way about him or any other man, you are not a man, you are a sick creature brought to this world to disgrace me and your mother. You are a waste of space, broken and filthy, you better fix yourself boy!’  Those words run through my mind every second of the day. I welcome them, anything to distract me from my disgusting thoughts.

I am a man, why can I not act like one? Why do breasts repel me? Why can’t I see the beauty in a woman? Why are my thoughts only of him?

I have no reason to live. I am nothing. I do not belong in this world. I have no business among these normal people. These STRAIGHT people. These people who are the way they were intended to be.

These feelings are not my fault, why cant anyone understand that? They came to me, I did not ask for them.

I want to leave this world. It will be a better place without me. It will be how it is supposed to be. I want to end it all, to end my misery and their disappointment.

I see him again and my blood rushes to the worst places, sending shivers down my spine. How can I end it when this feeling is so wonderful? It feels so normal! Why cant they understand?

I am a man. I am a man in love with another man! What is so wrong about that?