dig deeper

The blood swirls down the drain along with the filthy bath water. My tears blur up the vision, all i see is red, slowly dissapearing, with the memories, the nightmares. I step out of the cold, ceramic tub and reach for a towel. I dry my eyes, revealing the scars on every inch of my body you cant see with clothes. I wince and shut my eyes.This has become a daily routine, the harm, the pain. I open them cautiously, look to my skin, or my outer layer, my shell, my mask. I look to my legs, or rather my upper thighs. I have a rather pattern going, repetition, repetitive emotions, repetitive pain. I barely glance at at my stomach, hardly. shaving away the pounds. it was really just supposed to be a clever gimmick for a weight loss clinic, i twisted it around, to something horrible.

   I should be able to stop this, but it is like a drug, an addiction. My thoughts, my fears, they all escape, in a moment, a brief, an instant, where my best friend becomes a untensil that people use on a daily basis. I wish I had a good reason to do this, to escape. I wish I had some sort of motive. Something dramatic, sad, depressing. Something like my dad beats me or i was raped, or my mother abuses me with words. It sickens me that i would or could ever wish for such a thing. Such a horrid thing people drag with them everyday. Such a thing that send people to do this sort of thing. But they have a reason. No matter how much I wish, these events haven't hapenned to me. My life is good, average. I have many friends that make me laugh, make smile. I cannot tell which of my smiles are genuine, but when they are, Im sure they come from my friends. My life just feels so lonely, pointless. I feel like i could be replaced if I wasn't here. I guess i was just pushed to the point where i was left thinking what the point of this was? the point of living.

  Something, probably the only thing that facinates me, scares me, is that in an instant, you could end your life. I could stab myself in the arm right this instant and my insides would be exposed to air, i could let the blood drain out of me. It only takes a second, a decision. It scares me though, how much thought i put into this, the blood is heating up with the the thought. I am worried for myself.

  There isnt one specific thing that has made me resort to this. The little things build up, and build up until you need to break that wall down with something. For me, it is the shiny razor laying on the edge of the bathtub. Today was an average day, fake smiles leaving my face, pretending to be okay, following along with the group, as usual. But something different happened. Today in fourth period we had a "motivational" speaker come in. He told us to find ourselves, because once we found our true selves, we could truly be happy. He asked for volenteers to say what they thought of themselves. People said things like, funny, nice, smart. But with every response he would repeat the same phrase, "No, dig deeper." Each time he said it the phrase meant something more to me. I felt he was talking to me, as if i was the only one he was talking to. I have never knew what i wanted from life, or what i wanted to do. I never knew how to define myself. The phrase has been running around my mind all night.

dig deeper

dig deeper

would anyone notice if I was gone?

dig deeper

I have nothing special to offer anyways

dig deeper

I pick up the red stained razor again

dig deeper

dig deeper

who am i?

find yourself

dig deeper

I don't think he was being literal, but he motivated me.

dig deeper

find yourself

dig

dig

deeper

I bring the silver tool to my left wrist. Thank you, I will dig deeper.

Author's Note

yeah.. its... okay..

Reviews

[Allie :)]

The casual, hurried, sloppy way that you write places more and more emphasis on the words themselves, and I love that, wether it was intentional or not. I think that Jessi was really shallow when she corrected your piece like that, because I think that this piece is beautiful even without "proper grammar" or "correct puncuation"
This is absolutely beautiful, and just shows the amazing, and sometimes unbelievable lengths that we as human beings go to to relieve ourselves of emotional pain.
I sound like a total smart-a*s, and I'm not trying to, but anyway, this piece is REALLY good! It kept me disgustedly interested, as self-inflicted pain has always been somewhat of a fascination to me.
You've depicted every element of cutting perfectly! :) Congratulations.... I'm printing this out and putting it in my personal collection as soon as I get a chance :D

[Jessi Berlasty]

"slowly dissapearing(disappearing),(No comma.) with the memories," " i(I) twisted it around,(no comma) to something horrible." "where i(I) was left thinking what the point of this was?(.) t(T)he point of living." " Today in fourth period(,) we had a "motivational" speaker come in." "Each time he said it(,) the phrase meant something more to me."

An interesting concept. You need to be careful about your grammar though. You don't capitalize "I" a lot and at the end, all those thoughts should begin with a capital letter.

[Zi]

Oh, wow... I don't think I can accurately describe how much I am LOVING this piece. This is fantastic. I once had a professor who used the phrase "Dig a little deeper" to mean "Try harder"... I heard his voice when reading this and it just resonated on a whole new level for me, the amount of emotion you've poured into this.

[Beautifully Tragic xPoe..]

This is great. I saw a few spelling mistakes here or there, but I can remember having similiar feelings to this back in my days. Very good write.

[onceafaerietale]

wow that is really good I like the way that it transitioned to a poem

[Jess Holden]

It's not okay, it's amazing :) I love itt!!