My Life Story Part 5A Story by Nicaushio Yamaki New My Life Story Part 5 My Life Story Part 5 During the years of burdens free, lies another threat to my heart. Sometimes I feel is as Though I may lose another, that’s closer to my heart. However, it has been For years since I ever expressed to see another day.
Sometimes I wonder, will my life always be this way? And even if it was not true, will ever be Willing to accept it without slipping on banana skins of methisisum. Perhaps maybe, I should talk to my mother about it. Will that help solve the problem? Will I ever finally get to go see the one that I love dearly? Or will I Be in the thrown into the pit of darkness of rejection for eternity?
So much stuff has happen and I don’t know what to think or do sometimes. I feel as though My body is being pulled from both sides. Am I really a good inspiration to people, that are less Unfortunate than me as for others? I feel as though my life living here on earth is in vain And useless.
I am really tired of living this life, it’s too much work too much chaos and hurt. I feel as if planet earth Is not such a great place to live anymore; as well as living in pain and torment for the rest of my life? Even if I am here for a purpose, will I ever be willing to accept it without slipping on banana skins of methisisum as well?
Will this continue to happen to me for the rest of my life? And if not how can I deal with this life of living? Who else needs me, or am I ever needed? Perhaps then again---maybe not.
Chapter 32 A lesson untold
Hello everyone, I am glad to be here living today to tell more stories of my life. So far no one has supported me on my part 4 limited edition. But I hope that sometime in the future, that someone will very soon. Furthermore, I am taking the summer semester off so that I can tell more stories and work on my routine schedule better than what I am doing now. So anyway, I hope that everyone enjoyed my other my life story series and I hope that you’ve gotten something out of it. Now then, let’s get on with my new story shall we?
Since 2010 on Nov 11, I met someone special and her name is Kelsey She and I find love between each other. I love her with all of my heart, and she is the Best person that ever walked on the face of the earth. We dated for about a year now, and things are still going good as usual. Until one night, Kelsey and I were talking and she told me about her complication plans on coming to see me, and how she reconsidered the plan on coming to see me, because of School and finances. She was trying to get through med school, and she needed the money to finish school. She also told me that I should come to see her in New Zealand; I can come to see her with no problem. However, the only problem is I don’t know if she will wait for me between now and on the year of 2020. At least that’s what she told me of how long she had before she finishes school; I asked her if she could wait for me between now and 2020. She told me,” I don’t know.” At that point I did quite of some thinking to myself, and I found out that she is such an impatient person to wait that long. Even during class I was talking to myself as I always do when there’s no one to talk to. Call me crazy; however, you classify me as, but I actually talk to my own teddy bear in bed; not that it really matters yet, another boring day. Moreover, it will take me a while to make enough money to come to see her. Although I haven’t finished school yet, it would take a miracle for my girlfriend and me to solve this plan.
Before I met Kelsey I was dating with another person named Lillian Conaway. She is a type that is very emotion, and loves to hide her thoughts and feeling from others including away from a person that she is dating. She texts me every blue moon, but I ignore it though. To be honest when I first dated her I did love her at the time but now, not like I used to anymore. I can’t put up with someone that hides things and that aren’t very honest with me. Most of all she cries too much and everything, it’s like trying to make a baby stop crying by either giving them a bottle to drink or a pass-afire to keep quite. Overall she and I are no longer dating anymore, plus I have been hurt enough as it is. She’s only 15 years old and some girls say things when they are young but whenever they get older they change; I had to learn that the hard way. Especially from my other ex-girlfriend Samantha L. Shipman, back then that relationship really took a breakdown toll on me. A day I will never forget ever or maybe something’s are best yet to forget and to move on about.
Right now I have been feeling down about myself and will I be hurt again all over like as well as well as all of the other girls that I have dated? I hope not for my sake, because I can’t stand to be hurt no more. It’s so devastating, to keep dating one person after another and then every time you find someone; her friend always tells me stuff like:
Chris, please take good care of her because if you hurt her; I will be very disappointed, Hey Chris, you’re so lucky to have her please take well care of her; she’s one of a kind. Chris @#$% LMAO, I am just checking to see if you were as a good boyfriend as you say you’re. Well good luck and please take good care of her. And so on….
Every person that I have ever dated has always come to me and says that but it seems that every time, when I treat every girl right and do the best for them; I always get a slap in the face. Or the cause of another guy or the distance. Life is so drastic when people take advantage over you and mistreats you, and most part of all they don’t care. When you try to express yourself to people look at things the wrong way, instead of trying to understand and help like couples in relationships are supposed to do. But the way that this world is for me, I don’t certainly think that anything will ever happen for me. No matter how hard I try. Maybe I am being too optimistic, or too nice. Or maybe certain person cares for me years longer; because they want to take advantage of me while they look for another person that is better than I am and, have good qualities. I don’t know, all I do know is everyone seems to do that to everyone. However a lot yet only a fewer people really care about their boyfriends and Girlfriends and want to settle down. I can surely tell you right now, I am a mind settled person and I have zero tolerance for an in an out relationship. A lot of times I feel as I am the only person on earth that is very serious about relationships than unlike other people.
I am not pointing any fingers towards anyone in this book, I am saying that a lot of people are selfish like that and to the italic words above this paragraph is what I always run into stuff, and with other people saying that to me and even though I always treat a person that I love so dearly right and with loyalty. Somehow it ends up being a break down so far. But overall, I hope that I and Kelsey can stay always thick and thin with each other, because I never ever want to lose her and she knows it; I hope. By the days that have passed by, although I have been feeling a little down, I try to encourage myself to move on and knowing that I have someone that loves me to look forward too after I have finished school. At least for the most part let’s just hope so.
Chapter 33 The fractured
In spite of the days that I have spent living, my heart has been feeling restless. Ever since the conversation that me and my girlfriend Kelsey and I had last week; it has been bothering me ever since. I thought if I was going to get hurt and rejected just as all of the others that, I have dated. I thought well I minus well be hurt now so encase if it ever comes to the point of her letting me go, that I won’t hurt as much as I would be if she ever did leave me. My thing is, I do not want to lose her and she said the same the last time. Last night Sam and I which is her best friend, we talked on Skype about what Kelsey and I discussed. The only surprising thing was that she never told Sam about it. I was a bit surprised, knowing that she and Sam were really close friends. And I don’t mean my ex-girlfriend Sam this is another Sam, allow me to explain.
When I first met Kelsey her and I talked, and then we started dating. I asked her about finding a friend that has Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep for the psp (PlayStation Portable). And my girlfriend’s friend her name is Sam Wilson, her and my girlfriend Kelsey were very good friends. Kelsey and Sam Wilson lives in New Zealand, and at the time Kelsey and Sam at first came to a decision to come to see me after Kelsey finished school. About a year later everything went good; Kelsey and I occasionally talk about how exciting it would be to see each other. I always brag joyfully to her saying how I can’t wait to hold her and show her love that she never had before and many other things. I really loved her; she was everything I wanted in a person. She is kind, loved to help others and most of all she was always supportive.
So on my girlfriend and I were talking about the complication that she had, and I asked her a few questions. For some reason, she wanted to go to college after she finishes high school. And she told me to give her about a few weeks to decide, so during the matter we were still talking about it. However, she was not sure if she could wait on me or how she was going to go about the whole complication. So she needed to buy some time to think about it. So far she’s still deciding as to whether or not she should just go on a head to school first or to see me. She told me that, she didn’t know yet about what to do about coming to see me. Another problem is my mum only has two semesters to go in college. And she will be graduating in the year of 2012, the same year that my girlfriend Kelsey will be finishing school. Even unto this day it still bothers me, and I just don’t want to lose her. I mean I love her very much and I have been through enough of being hurt as it is, and I just feel that if I lose that I will lose everything. Because of her loving cares and hearing from her, I was able to do well in school knowing when I finish school soon; that I would have something to look forward to when I graduate. At this point, I felt useless and I got on my knees and prayed to GOD to give me strength and to help my girlfriend as well. The LORD knows that I love her very much, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to be with Kelsey forever. I don’t know what I would do if I ever lost her and I just hope that it does ever come to that. Right now, I feel a little devastated. Not from waiting not from waiting for her, just the fact of the complication and the fact of losing her is what bother me the most. I don’t know what to do what to do, or what she has come up with yet. But I hope that we stay together and hopefully we can make it together. After all once when we meet, it will be worth the hardships and hard work.
Otherwise everything seems to be going just fine but later, I found out that the relationship between Sammy and my girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend in whom Sammy is dating; does not feel right with her. I and Sammy got on Skype to talk about the situation, and I told her the plan that I had in mind. She tried out the plan and then it turned out to work just fine. I never really like the guy Sammy was dating, his name was Health. He and my girlfriend are friends with one another, people use the term called “mates.” I guess you can say that, it’s another way saying that they are close friends. Although a close friend with a person can also lead to dating the person as well. When I first met him it was on Bebo, which is a social chatting site. To my knowledge it is a site for minor little snotty nose kids from ages 11 and under. And so far no one sends me emails of comments; it feels longsome a lot of times though.
So days went passed, I finally decided to get my hair treated due to the chemicals in my head. While my mother was doing my hair, she was just talking to me about me praying to GOD to find some friends in my area to hang out with. Instead of making friends online; I told her about Kelsey, and we love each very much. And my mother was just saying that she didn’t want me to be hurt again, and that she was going to come up with another excuse of not coming over here to see me. And I don’t think that Kelsey would ever do that to me. And mums are always claiming things to happen, or it could be the fact that what I told her earlier, she kind of assume that she will not ever come over here. I hate it when she do that at times, I mean she has already did same thing when I was dating Samantha Shipman. I just don’t want her doing that to me with me and Kelsey, I really love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I am not one track minded like other people that would rather find a person in their States instead of expanding. And Kelsey and I have already talked about what my mum and I talked about similarity to what is going on.
Maybe when she comes she will know and understand, even though she knows that I am dating Kelsey. Should I talk to my girlfriend about this? Maybe I guess, on the other hand my mum never lied about anything, and I know she is speaking the truth. If something happens between me and Kelsey I will never date again, and I never go back on my work either. More importantly, I hope that we stay together forever. I understand that she is young, but she has her head on straight as to what she wants to in life. I know for a fact, that whenever I talk to my girlfriend Kelsey she makes me smile always. Ha-ha, well, the funny thing is since I just said in the previous sentence earlier, she suddenly got online. How cool was that hahaha. Anyway considering that she is young, and based off of what my mum was saying earlier. I began to have doubts about my girlfriend and about her coming to see me soon. I guess the only way to find out is to just stick around and find out. I don’t want to keep bugging her about it though, even though if it’s ok with her. Sometimes I begin to have doubts about her coming to see me next year. I mean just think about it, someone her age to come five thousand miles away just to come to see me and even though somehow I find it to be true, at the same time I feel that she may not be able to come see me. I am really looking forward to seeing my girlfriend to come over to America. To see me, it’s just when I was dating my ex-girlfriend Samantha Shipman, which I hate talking about this but, her and I had plans and she soon changed on everything. And after she dumped me, everything that we went through went down the drain. At that point, I didn’t think that I was going to ever have to chance to love again. Every girl that I ever dated kept rejecting me and breaking my heart. Most of the people that I dated didn’t care about me at all nor were they ever serious about a relationship. All they wanted to do was to use me and my kindness until they saw another guy that they liked and toss me into the trash like as if I was nothing. Like a broken teddy bear that is ripped open, and thrown into the trash. That’s when I met Kelsey, by talking to her after a while; I understood instantly that she is very mature for her age to know what she wants. Or does she?
Sometimes I get to a point that I feel like giving up and rather just be put back into the darken pit of rejection like always. Occasionally, at living for so long I should have died of my choice. Than to live any longer, this world and life that I live in, has nothing to offer anymore. Out of all of my days of living on earth, it has brought nothing but sadness and pain. And full of emptiness, my living life and my existence is all in vain not that it really matters, yet another annoying day to live this useless life of mine.
Chapter 34 A rose of silence
About a week ago, I spoke to my girlfriend on the Yahoo messenger. I started to talk to her about what my mother told me earlier. And even after doing that she didn’t really seem to care too much about it, and she wanted to know as to rather or not that my mom would approve of her. I told her yes, and I went on to talk to her about what my mother and I were talking about. After I spoke to her about it, she didn’t seem to care afterwards. I felt as though maybe, it was not a good time to talk to her about these things. So then she logged off the messenger and I kept asking her why, and then I picked up that maybe it was because her parents were around somehow. I didn’t understand as to why she was not allowed to get on the messenger, and why would she ever get into trouble for even getting on the messenger. And I finally got a comment from Bebo saying that she almost got caught by her parents so she had to scurry around a bit. Anyway, I spoke to Sammy Wilson on Skype the other day, and we both had a good time. It was fun while it lasted though, until it was back to the boring phase once more. For some time now even today I think about it; about deleting my Bebo account and Facebook maybe. My reason of not to because of my girlfriend, and my blog posts. I figured since I have my profile setup and I have found someone to love me for me. What’s the use? I just want to go on a trip to Japan somewhere, and just leave my computer and get my mind off of using it so much. I mean it’s not like anyone is going to miss talking to me online, as usual anyway so there’s no point to me getting online to social sites anyway.
About a day ago from now, my ex-girlfriend that I met from Writerscafe.org named Lilly Rose. I sent her a text on yahoo, and she sends me an email saying that it’s a distance between me and her. And she wonders why I never text her a lot of times. I told her that I do but she never replies back, so there’s no point of me texting her anymore. I added her number in my phone as well as other numbers, due to the fact that, I have not had the chance to put in some of my contacts in due to school and stuff. And then she made it seem like I was hurting her and how she loves me and that is always there from me. After I read her email, I replied saying basically that I appreciate you being considerate of me. But at times when I do text her she never texts me back. And it had nothing to do of what I am doing in my own business or not. I just told her that she’s always or seems to be busy every time I text her so I waited until she texts me so that, I would know as to whether or not if she’s busy or not. She replied back saying that, she does not like to be the one to text first. And I told her that, it doesn’t matter who text who first, just as long as you get to hear from me or from some of your other friends. Not to mansion she has other guys, flirting with her and doing sexual things to her and my heart can’t take the stress anymore. Since that happen it was when I was dating my ex-girlfriend Sara Harris. She really, tore my heart to shreds big time on the inside of me. As for my other ex-girlfriend Samantha Shipman also, I got tired of dealing with her making it seem as though I am the bad guy to her. Plus my heart belongs to someone else not her, after all of the times that I and Lilly Rose have not talked. I began to lose interest. So as a result, I found someone else that would appreciate me----Kelsey Jones.
You know to be honest; I hope that Kelsey do comes over here soon. And I miss her every day all of the time. She really has her head on straight and seems to know who and what she wants in a relationship. I love everything about her, she’s very loyal. She always lets me know things that happens, and very loving, caring and supportive. I remember asking Sammy Wilson what are some words that you can best describe me as? She only said well, “you’re optimistic.” What?! Is that the only thing that people can see in you? Or otherwise say? That’s ridiculous you know? At the time she did not know me as well as she does now. Anyway, my life has been going good so far. Semesters have been such a blast by far until my ENG class started to take a toll on me. It was not the class it was my instructor, I went to her office twice after class was over, to talk to her about my grade in class. And she got really irritated about it for no reason. At this time it was getting to a point that I just can’t talk to her anymore about stuff. And every time I do; she keeps making an assumption of saying that I never pay attention in class when I do all of the time. I spoke to her about me as a novel writer and stuff, but it had nothing to do as to why she was wondering of why I didn’t do all of the sets in class online.
And after that, I finally decided to do all of the sets in my ENG (English class). I did more than I could have ever hoped to get done. My mum was talking about, after when she graduates from school, that she will be traveling soon. I just hope that my girlfriend Kelsey and Sam can come ASAP, before my mother leaves soon. I spoke to Sammy the other day, and she seems to be having difficulties with a guy that my girlfriend Kelsey used to date. I spoke to her for a little bit though. She was upset about Health (the guy that she dated) kept annoying her. And so afterwards ever since she left him, she told me that she hasn’t heard from him since. What I wonder sometimes is why is he trying to date Sammy all of a sudden anyway? And if he’s so difficult at times, then why do they still hang around with him? For such a lot of things I slowly understand it bit by bit. Sometimes I wonder, as I always do. How’s my sweetheart Kelsey is doing, and sometimes I wonder what’s on her mind and how does she feels half of the time. Hopefully I can fly through school as quick as I can, so that I can be set before my mother leaves on her nursing travels.
About a few weeks ago during spring break, I was have hard time with my mother. I don’t know if any of you ever heard this before and maybe some of you have. My mother always uses this term, maybe about every occasion or so. She says: “If you don’t like the way things are here, then there goes the door, you can leave at any time now.” And she claims that she tells my sister the same thing. I didn’t really care, and not because she does or not tell her stuff as the same as me, but because it has nothing to do with me; pretty weird don’t you say? Well, I sure think it’s indeed weird. Some mums say stuff like that because they know that; He or she has nowhere to go. But I was planning on moving out anyway, as soon as I get my Bachelor’s degree. Anyway, I met a friend randomly off of the chatango.com website. And her name was Niki; she goes by as Niki for short. She seems to be a really nice person; she told me that she knows a lot of people from high places. I was so glad that I met her; if I have not met her, I don’t know what I would do. Perhaps things would still be a bit different for me. I enjoy talking to her a lot; at lease I met one friend than many; although I keep claiming that I do not have any friends. Maybe I should stop saying that of course. But if I do, will these things change? Or will they remain the same for me? Will I ever be successful and be with the women that I love so dearly? Or will my life be as the ashes of the wind of a darken pit of rejection for eternity? Well, this would be the part where I would say: “stay tuned for the next episode of My Life Story part 6.” But nevertheless right now that want be created until maybe another year sometime.
So on I have two booking accounts which are Writerscafe.org and Bookrix.com. Remember? If not then for some of you that are starting out in this series, I recommend some of you that are new to reading my books. To go and start over from part 1 all of the way to part 5, and then you will understand part 5. So anyway, a lot of people are always sending me a lot of messages in my inbox on Bookrix.com. However, many emails that I get on there, it varies from Ten, Six, to Eleven or even sometimes sixteen e-mails. The e-mails that I get are basically about other Bookrix users persuading other people to read his or her stories. The only thing I hate about Bookrix is that a lot of people are so selfish and only think of themselves; and not for others. This one girl messaged me about getting me to read one of her stories that she made. I sent her a decent email back, explaining myself, and to hopefully get more support on my books. But after a little chat, she got irritated and after a while she began to send me more and so did all of the others as well send me an email.
A while ago I just got done talking with Sammy, and I was trying to get her to get some of her friends to support me in my writings. She told me that she only like to read Manga; which I understand that, but she cut me off and logged offline saying that she had to go. At that point, I felt that she was cutting me off. I made a decision to not allow things such as this to affect me. Sammy is just not very nice sometimes, and I have a thing with moody mean people that cut others off as she does anyway. I just decided not to talk to her ever again; at lease my girlfriend cares about me unlike SOME people. Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against her it’s just because what she does half of the time pisses me off. I don’t know why I still have her as a friend on Facebook; we never talk and she’s always in a moody state. To be honest, I do not understand how her ex-boyfriend’s ever put up with her. I am thinking about getting rid of her of my friends list on Facebook and Bebo; even though she never talks to me anymore. And proceed into finding new people to chat with, in my case online chatting has become complicated. Sammy half of the time really pisses me off when she does certain things.
Chapter 35 The second coming
Hello everyone again, I am very thrilled for all of you that are taking the time, to read my stories. So far lately, I have not received any support lately on my writings. I tried to get one person to help me do so, but she was not very nice to me about it. Anyway, I tried to explain to her and she just cut me off, and I hated when people do that you know? Everything that you read in this book is all a true story, about everything I went through and with my explanation as to how people think in this society these days. Without farther or do, I would like to thank all of you for supporting my books and leaving comments on them. Most of all, thank you all for you tender love, honor, and support. I hope that many of you who are taking the time off your busy schedule, to read my books; learn a thing or two from my life situations.
Now then since this life has taken us through so tough roads, I just thought of way by writing this to say in a way, that we need to take five for now. So far everything is going fine except I need to get much work done. I am very thrilled that I am catching up much better than the last time. I wrote a description paper about Vincent Van Gogh. He was a famous painter artist that ever lived, and his paintings during the history of his life became a lot popular to people back in his time. So after I have finished the paper, I went to the learning center to get Brittney; a tutor that I got to help me with my English assignments. And I started off to show her my paper, and she loved it. She also told me that, I forgot to indent my paragraphs, in which I didn’t oops. Although I did follow the prewriting steps correctly, the problem with me was I did not have enough time as needed to relook over my mistakes. I hope that I did well otherwise. I am a great writer, writing a paper to me is like drawing. All I do is see learn to see with my eyes, and not with my mind. Because the mind cannot do no more than just imagine it, the eye knows how it’s supposed to be drawn or written.
By now, I have pretty much learn every material on ENG 093 once again. I had a lucky break when my Final exams come around. The other day, I was in class listening to my iPod while I was working on my classroom assignments online. I asked my English instructor named Ms. Freeman; she prefers to be announced as Dr. Freeman. And considering that she has a Doctors degree, and then she should not be qualified as an ENG teacher, that’s just my opinion. She told me that I was not allowed to listen to music in class. Now hear me out on this, since when did we ever have a rule saying you cannot use your iPod or Mp3 player to listen to while you work in class? Well the last time I checked this was college; not a high school or middle school class. But anyway, I continued working. Finally it was time to leave, after I left from my ENG class, I was heading to the cafeteria to eat lunch, but instead of eating the food that I packed in my lunch box from home, I decided to order some hot wings with fries. Before I went to the cafeteria, I was talking to a class mate of mine about the assignments that our ENG instructor is giving us to do. During class in ENG before it was time to go, I became a little upset and I started to write a journal entry of my own; I entitled it, “Boring instructors and Arrogant instructors.” After I told Dr. Freeman about what I was doing (which I felt like a stupid idiot for telling her) all she could say was “That’s good.” At the beginning of class, she gave us all our journal entries back. I looked at it and saw that I did really well, the only thing I needed to do is to not double space more than I have to. After I looked at my paper, I was so happy that I didn’t get as much in correction marks as the last time. When I open my mouth to brag about it, my idiot instructor just started marking a lot of marks on my journal. While she was doing that I felt as though she was trying to mark at any space that she wanted to mark. At this point, I did not really care about writing journal entries anymore. It was ridiculous, no matter how hard I try.
After I finished my lunch, I went to see if Ms. Channing was in her office. She’s my counselor that helps me with my college schedules. A mysterious person asked me if I needed help finding something. And I told her that I was looking for Ms. Channing. She told me that she was not in her office right at the moment. So I wrote Ms. Channing a sticky note, and headed to the library. While I was working on my MTH (Math) section, I saw this random guy that I have been hanging out with recently; his name I think was Tyler. I said hello to him, I tried to get his attention but on purposely he ignored me. So, I thought to myself, oh well forget it. The other day, I promised him that I was going to come back because I had to go to my next class. When I finally got done with my work, I headed quickly back to the library as I promised him. But when I got there, he was gone. So the other day from now, I tried to get his attention to tell him about the issue from yesterday. However, instead of him coming to talk to me, he chooses to ignore me. He did stop to talk with someone else, but he never stopped to talk to me at all. I told a guy named Patrick; he’s my friend and classmate in ART DRW 113. Patrick and I were talking, and I told him about the issue, but he didn’t really say much. Of course as I was telling him about it, I sort of made seem not such a big deal anyway. While I and Patrick were talking, he showed me his new Pokémon game that he brought. It was really interesting as it was for the new Pokémon too. I guess overall the game was ok I guess.
Chapter 36 Forgotten
During the rest of the week of sitting around doing nothing, I decided to walk up to the bank to make a deposit, and then I headed back home. During all of my time at home, I was on Bebo.com just around and about talking to random people. The only thing that majority of Bebo users can do is what’s called Role playing. Before go on, allow me to explain even for the adults if you will. Bebo is considered a social website, for ages 15 and under. However, there are a fewer people that are adults use this site as well. My purpose of having an account was because of my blog posts and also my girlfriend (who doesn’t really talk to me as much like usual or emails me hardly) and sometimes when all things fall in broadness, I sometimes talks to her friend and her name is Sam Wilson, they are really close friends. Of course, I try to be friends with Sam, but occasionally, she gets moody and can be in a “Whatever” kind of mood. The only time she talks to me on yahoo messenger is when something either extraordinary happens, or something slightly bad happens. My problem is I always have a habit of attaching myself to others, just to make a friend of not many. In relationships is the same, the only difference is with friendships, is that I feel that the person that I am with either cheating on me or hiding things from me. I am not pointing any fingers, I am just saying in a true general point of view.
The other day, I spoke to my girlfriend on MSN finally. Kelsey and I were talking, and I told her that my days haven’t been going so well these days. She asked me what was wrong. I told her that it’s a long story, not that it’s personal or anything. She told me that I didn’t have to tell her if I didn’t want too. After a while of talking to her, she was busier with role playing and nothing else. Yet she claims that she misses me. Now, my days haven’t been going so well which it’s true. Consequently, I told her that it was a long story because clearly, I wanted to see if she really cared to insist on wanting to know, as to how I am feeling and what has been bothering me lately. But, perhaps I was wrong to think that she cares about me at all at this point. I began to explain to her about my issues to her like I usually do sometimes when I do not seem to be doing so well these days. When I mansion to her about “People make me sick sometimes,” she told me that she hope that I do not make her sick. I don’t know if she took what I said to heart, or was just joking with me. I told her that, no not you I mean people at my school that I have to deal with. Otherwise perhaps, she understood me wrong when I told her that. Basically, I was just expressing myself to her. I never intended for her to think that she had anything to do with my issues. She was upset because one of her friends accused her of something, that she did not do. I asked her what was wrong; she told me that is was nothing major. I told her by the looks of it, it doesn’t sound too good. She told me what happen anyway. I felt like I was pressuring her at this point, but at the same time, I felt bad about it.
After we talked, she logged offline saying that she was going to talk to me later. By that time passed, she never talked to me. I wanted to just leave her alone, and let her do what she pleases. Because I feel that she cares about Role playing and chatting with others than me. Right now it was a hard decision to make, but after doing it for a while, it will be worth it. And then hopefully this burden can be lifted off my chest. It seems that when I am singled, I am much happier. I learned that in life, some relationships works for other and for fewer people it doesn’t. What I meant by that is Relationships or marriages, are not for everybody. I remember of one of my latest relationships, after my ex-girlfriend left me; I almost died of a heart-attack. The pressure of every relationship that I have been in, and plus the breakdown and hurt that I get in return is always too great for me to handle. I just can’t afford to end up like that again. It’s too much on my heart and on me as well. Lately the way Kelsey and Sam act half of the time in a moody state, I think that it’s starting to affect me. But it’s not like they care; if it’s one thing I’ve learned about online dating and etc. Is that people get online and just say anything when they’re online, and to have others thinking you really care for them and love them. But, in reality what they say is just nothing but fake words, and deceitful actions. Girls are a lot slicker when it comes to cheating or doing other things as well as the guys do. Yet you have some others say well I will never hurt you and I mean what he or she says, but in reality, they don’t. As for when it comes to dating online, a lot of people say “Fake words,” to prevent you from worrying or from getting suspicious. I do my best to avoid people, because, it’s always easy for me to look the other way, than to get hurt.
So to keep myself from getting hurt I have to not get attached, to her. I guess it’s worth a try right? I mean you never know if your girlfriend is seeing another guy or doing things behind your back and say things to you to keep you from worrying. Most of all, I don’t want to end up with a heart-attack again like it happen to all of my other relationships. As I have said before, every breakdown is a great pressure on my heart. I guess you can say I have health issues myself. I never told my girlfriend about this. And considering that she’s just only 16 years old, when she turns 18, it may end up turn into a “Relation-tragic-ship,” for me mostly. I don’t know how much my heart can take, but I cannot make any guarantees that I will survive either. It’s already bad when your own mother doesn‘t care about you, and when you talk to her about things, just when my issues are sorted out, she comes back saying something else mysterious. As far back as I can remember, in 2009, one night, I was on my way home from the store. Which is about a mile away off on 69 interstate, I just got back but I was half ways from home still. I saw a policeman there and from in the car he asked I was Christopher Brown. I told him yes, while in a worrisome state. The policeman got out of the car and opened the door, and he put me inside the back of the car. While sitting there I thought I was going to jail or something. Of course I had a hunch to this in mind, but I waited to find out. Suddenly, I ended up going back home. And I headed back inside, and my mother ran and hugged me with a relief of excitement happiness. I on the other hand was confused as to why would she call the police on me. So my mother told me about it, and she also told me that there was a fight going by a fast food restaurant.
Back then, I was hurt from a rejected relationship, to give me a relief at some point a little bit. I started to go on night walks, and I used to walk all of the time. The only time I can ever get to leave the house, is to go to church and back. Every chance I get, I left the house going on walks by myself. Talking to myself a lot was the only thing I felt comfortable with. Even now staying at home all of the time, I fill like a bird trapped in a cage. When telling someone online about it, they think that just because I am at a certain age now, that they think that I should get a place of my own. My only reason for staying is because all of my classes are online. My mother has a wireless router connection. Other than that, I am still working on trying to get my license, once I get that; I will have everything I need. All I have to do is to finish school at Shelton State Community College and only then I will move out into my own place. I do not plan on living in the state of Alabama, nor in this country. I want to go see my girlfriend on New Zealand. I hope that she doesn’t end up hurting me like the other girls that I have dated. Although, she did make a promise to me, that she will never hurt me or do anything to hurt me. Lately I thought about that too. Is she just saying that? Or does she really mean it? I guess at some point, I will have to find out if she lies or is telling me the truth. Now again, since I have been through so many bad relationships, every time when I somehow end up in another relationship, I always have a habit of staying on my toes. It’s like traveling from one place to another. Knowing that my court date is due and the police are looking for me. Meanwhile, I am hiding in a house and every time I hear something I always jump up in everything I hear. For me this is an example of how I feel when I am in relationships this long. Sometimes, I began to feel that something is not right at times. Because of the thought of the person that I am with is either Bi sexual so they go and make out with girls or guys behind my back or have sex with them, and then get online and pretend like nothing happen. I feel that way at times. Other times it gets to be a little harder on me. The main purpose is hoping that the person that I am with is not cheating on me, or trying to secretly hurt me.
A lot of times I get off to myself and I ask myself, is this how my life is supposed to be? Am I really meant to be into any relationships? Am I supposed to always be hurt after in every relationship that I get in? Or is this is just how this new generation of this world is? My life and this world have nothing to offer, and neither does this world have anything that I want. All this world has to offer me is full of pain and loss, rejection and agony. I already know that my life living on the planet was going to be in vain, when I should have died of that second seizure in the first place. But no, I have to live this useless life and get hurt, or deal with issues. I tried to commit suicide many times, but for some reason I could not bring myself to do it. Ever since I existed in this world, I’ve always hated my life and wanted to die. Because I knew that as long as I live this life, I knew that I would in up in pain and dealing with rejection and hurt. More importantly, I know from the beginning, that my life living on earth would be in vain. This world has nothing to offer for me, but just rejection and hurt and full of selfish people. The new generational ways of this world just drives me apart. Maybe if I can just die and go to a place where there is no more pain or loss. If I die it’s not like anyone is going to care about me not even my mother. So there’s no point in looking for others to do so anyway.
I remember one night, I had a wonderful dream. I have never dreamed like this for so long. In this dream, I was in a beautiful place, and full of light. The grass was so rich, richer than I have ever seen. The flowers were so beautiful; they were in many variety colors. As I looked all around me, I saw this rich beautiful light and the trees were very tall and healthy like never before. As I gazed at the view, I looked and saw the grass, the beautiful roses and the light itself was singing such a peaceful calm melody. It was so strong that the sounds of the melodies were in tone as in one unit. It sounded like a peaceful glorious angel voice; the sound of melody was so great, that it filled the whole entire place of beauty. It sounded like many waters everywhere. I saw lots of fruit trees and the fruits on the trees looked so healthy, and it was twice the size bigger, than any other fruit that I have ever seen. I reached and took a bite of this fruit, and the taste was full of relaxation and peace. I felt as though my body was relaxed, and I was as light as a feather. It was so amazing! But then, when I woke up, I began to feel hurt and so many burdens began to come upon me such as, Rejection, liars, deceptions, and so on. These were only just a few that I felt. At this point, I began to grow weary of living this burden life of mine. All I wanted to do was to go to the place that I once of many times dreamed about. And just stay there forever. However this dream I had, it felt so real, than I can ever imagine it would be. Also in the dream I had, in this place there were lots of fruits of every kind. Right down to apples, oranges, mangos, star fruits, watermelons and so on. And other fruits that I did not know anything about. They also had animals and let me put I this way. This dream that I had, was far beyond words of describing it. I would rather be there, than to continue this life on earth.
I know that you have to stay optimistic, even in hard times, but as for me it gets complicated at times. I learned that in life has a mind of its own, however, the most important thing is learning from it. That includes mistakes as well. When you go through tough times in your life, it’s a signal to let you know that you are developing maturely in to an adult. Pretty much you get my drift, as to what I am talking about.
Chapter 37 Arrogance and irritation
About a week ago, my mother, Joe, and I were sitting at the table. My mother started to talk about how we have to do things as a family, and stop the confusion problems at home. She kept talking and she was talking about if you were dating a person that is not a believer of Jesus Christ, that he or she will never treat you right. For a minute there, I thought about that, and I began to feel depressed. I feel that people that are a believer can be one tract minded people. To me that’s like saying to someone that asks him or her out on a date and you just stand there and say, “No because you’re not a Christian.” That to me seems racists a little bit to me, and I hate that so who cares you know? Even some Christian relationships among colleagues and Teens don’t work out as much. Yet at the same time, a lot of other Christian marriages over 4 to 10 years or more never work also. My relation to a suggestion, I feel that whether or not a person is a believer or not, they have every right to have someone in his or her life. I mean, there are possibly a fewer non-believers, that knows little about Jesus Christ. They just do not understand how to accept him into his or her hearts. A lot of people in this world consider Believing in Jesus Christ, as “Religion.” The truth is----but, before I going with this, allow me to straighten things to you about beliefs. Many individual classify to people that Christian’s are religious people. Now for those of you that are reading this book and you’re wondering, “What’s it, which I am trying to say?” Well, my suggestion is which the truth is, Christianity is not known as “Religion,” (in which I get tired of people saying that) and the Holy Bible, is certainly not just a fairy tale book that you can just pick up and read. The world calls it Religion, and so therefore, many individuals classify it as the word “Religion.” It’s real and everything in the word of GOD is true. Although I also believe the others should respect what he or she believes in.
True, you can’t stop people from saying that, but still, it’s not religion. I guess as you read this book, you are wondering, “Well if it’s not religion, then what you suppose to call it?” Well? Simple? It would be a whole lot better to refer to it as a “Believer,” rather than, “Religion,” on the other hand, I know that people will remain using that word but I prefer the word “Believer” much better than the word “Religion.” In class, my instructors’ assistant, went over the Process paragraph in class, in our text books. After that was over, my instructors’ assistant, asked the whole class if he or she had any other questions to ask them. I looked at the paper, and I asked my instructor, Ms. Freeman; she goes by as Dr. Freeman. About the quoted text on my worksheet hand out, that her assistant gave the whole class to do for homework. She began to act snooty with me, and at the same time that she was doing it, she kept saying that she was not trying to be “Funny,” and she went over once more explaining the assignment. When class was over, she told me that she wanted to talk to me, so we sat and talked. She kept telling me that I have a bad habit of asking a lot of questions. Now, at this point, I was thinking in my head, “What does she mean I have a bad habit of asking questions?” And then she compared to me asking questions, to if I was on a job, and if my supervisor, asks me to do something and if I turn around and ask he or she a question. That he or she will assume that I am not listening to him or her. Her main thing was she was telling me that I do not know how to ask things in specific. And I needed to work on how to ask a question, and to also learn how to pretty much stop running a habit of asking too many questions. I barely ask her questions, I always ask her assistant. At the same time, she was being a critic and making things worse for me. All she had to do was to answer my question, but instead she was showing out in front of the students. To make it worse, she began to ask me personal questions, and to try my intelligence. To her she thinks that asking questions, if not in her pacific way, she makes other people feel awkward. After sitting their wasting my time listening to her speak non-since to me, I was even more upset. Because of the fact I told her nicely, that people have their own learning preference. And she just started to say, that she was trying to help me, and since I was getting an attitude about it, sorry to even bother. Finally, I went upstairs to on the third floor looking for my counselor. I always report to her about updates as to what it going on with me in my classes and things. A guidance counselor told me that Ms. Channy Howington has been absent all week. I hope that she’s ok; it has been a while since I’ve spoken to her. To be honest I really cannot stand this teacher at all I really don’t. Sometimes, school life has a mind of its own, as well as life does. When I feel this way, I always write things down to calm myself down. As much as I would like to open to others about my problems to others that want to help, it’s pointless. My reason for saying that is because; I do not want to seem that I am throwing my troubles on others, considering that, his or her days have been going well so far.
On the other hand, it’s not that anyone would care anyway. In this world now people are fakers, and too deceptive. Overall, I am pretty sure that you get my drift as all of us know ha-ha. But only a fewer people care though, you just have to find the right people to talk to. It’s hard to find these days though. But hey, after all we all know how this world is turning out; the gas prices are too high these days. It’s even harder to living on your own now these days. It gets so hard, that a player can even play no more, which is supposed to be what I heard a favorite comedian say, but oh well the jokes flies over a lot of people heads, yet possibly a few. One night, as I was playing with my PSP (play station portable) I was playing Final Fantasy Dissidia 012, which is the new game that’s out in stores right now. I was playing the RPG level, when I finally beat it; I started to listen to this peaceful sound on the game. Final Fantasy really does have a good melody in peaceful music, as I was listening to it, I began to calm down. Suddenly, I began to cry religiously. All of the pain and hurt from the inside of me was starting to seep out. During that time, I kept crying myself to sleep. First thing in the morning, I was knocked out in my sleep, when suddenly, my uncle came over and started talk so loud, woke me up. In addition to waking up to my uncle fussing, I was curious as to what was wrong. So I went and asked my mother, and she acted like she didn’t want to tell me. Then she told me that her brother just left. The surprising thing was, normally he would never come over her anymore. Until that morning, I guess it was because he was upset about not getting a hold to my mother. They were always having an issue about calling each other, and how one or the other never answers the phone.
Lately, I have been doing ok, the other day; I went to comment on a friend’s profile. Well I saw that my girlfriend sent her a mysterious comment it reads:
“I always needed time on my own
Now for a moment there, when I read it, it was like she was saying in a way that that misses her. Moreover, it could be a possibility that she may still have feelings for her as well; even though if they are only just friends. However, I had to keep my heart safe, because to be honest I really do not personally know her yet. Considering some people that are known as Bi-sexual, they’re usually a hand full when it comes to dating. I dated a few of them, and none of my pas relationships turn out pleasant. She told me on the comment online, that she was feeling a little down about things lately. I told her to tell me when she gets on MSN soon. Sure it may not be anything major, but I always what to know about what’s on her mind. More importantly, because I love her more than anything and I always want to be there for her. On the other hand she misses her friend Sammy a lot, so basically, even though if I am always there for her, it seems by what she wrote, my presence of my being there for her, is not enough. To her it may seem that with me she feels that I am a person in vain, and she needs someone to be there. I don’t know how long this relationship will last, but I hope we stay together forever. Sometimes feel that she my rejection me soon for someone else, people in this world seems to do that quite a lot. I notice that she and Sammy are really close, because that talk to each other a lot. Me on the other hand, I feel ignored and no one really cares about me at all. All they care about is themselves. Nevertheless, I need to suck it up and deal with it because the world is never fair, and I need to learn to accept that. If I ever live alone for the rest of my life, I will make sure that I detach myself away from public affairs and people. That includes my mother and sister as well, as for my step dad? Well, I do not care about him too tough at all. Overall he is annoying.
Sometimes I have me downing moments, and I attend to get some attention while in my sad state. No one really cared anyway, all they seem to care about is there friends, but that is how this new generation is now days. I went on Facebook to post a quote, and it was like mines were being ignored, while other people’s quotes get comments and stuff. It was crazy, but I guess that’s how things are. I saw were on of my Facebook pin-pal posted a “Who loves your quotes the most,” and that is ridiculous ha-ha. Yesterday morning, when I got out of the bus to school, while walking on my way to my first class, I thought to sit in a different place. So I sat next to this lady, and my purpose was to get away from Amy. The crazy hyper girl in my class, gosh she really gets on my nerves. Anyway, the lady that was sitting next to me was on the phone. As she was talking on the phone, she was getting her stuff together, and left the classroom. Suddenly, she came back into the class room and chooses to sit across the table from me. She looked at me and said:” I am not trying to be mean, but I am married, and I am not allowed to sit next to someone else.” I thought, ok…? That was awkward. All I was doing was sitting somewhere by myself so that, I can focus and study for my Math test soon. I told a church member of mine about what happen, and most college students, are most kind of one of the types that are laid back, and act as though you’re wasting their time but you’re really not. After that, I felt like an idiot telling everyone about what happen. Like as if anyone would care.
About a week ago, I was online chatting and another friend online, she really made the skin perfectly too. I really loved it; it was a skin for my Bebo profile off of one of my albums. Oh yeah, I am also the song metal writer of SWICK and the subtitle is Twinkle Beauty VOL 13. It was awesome! Anyway, I saw the comment that my girlfriend sent online, and I was a bit upset after I’ve read the comment that her friend sent her online. I felt that they must like each other, but she told me that there was nothing going on between her friend and her, and by now I should know that I am the only one for her. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I am the only one for her, and I will never forget that. I love her a lot, and I don’t know what I would do if I lost her either way. I love Kelsey with my whole heart, and I mean it. She’s the only one for me. I just felt uncomfortable, when I read the comment that he sent her. I probably need some time to myself on this one, to refresh myself. I sure hope that it’s what she says, because by what I read in the comments on her pages, while I was sending her a comment back, it seemed something different, I just don’t want my love for her and what me and her shared go in vain. When I have been faithful to her all of this time, to be blunt in general, at times, I found it hard to believe that she would wait for me for 9 years until she graduated from college. Overall, I never gave up, and I will wait for her no matter how long it takes. Perhaps, I should just leave her alone for a while. I am finding myself hard to believe rather if it’s true to what she said to me, I guess I let a lot of things affect me, or I have a habit to become too attached to people that I date. I don’t know, however, I think I should just have some time off to myself. Due to the fact that, I am kind disappointed in the comments that he sends her. By the looks of it she was trying to feel sorry for him and then, the comments became a bit sophisticated. My heart was pounded after I read it. I think I should just stay offline for now.
Right now, I feel it would be best for me not to be online at a while since, I am disappointed in what just happen. I wish that I could just go to a place where there’s no more sorrow and disappointment, because I really need it right now. I pray that the Lord would keep me in strength, before my pulse veins tremble. As of right now even up to this point, what just happen last night, as I told you earlier bothered me up to this day. Sometimes I wonder, am I ever meant to have someone in my life? Or is this all just a whole BIG joke for me for all to laugh at. Most people are likely down a person, or even jump down his or her throats about, a point, that he or she is trying to make in life.
For the most part, the worst thing after another happens randomly. Today, I just finished eating French fries, and I am really full. I tried to get most of my English assignments done, but I couldn’t focus because of multitasking. So I decided to do it during school instead. As for my homework assignment, I was supposed to do it, but I do not really feel like, even though, I have to before tomorrow comes. I decided to take a little brake from my Math assignments; I did really well on my Math test the other day. I was happy, although I did not think that I was going to make it through during the time of working on it. My class mate Amy, she finished hers quickly; however, she barely catches up in class. I sometimes wonder what she makes on her Math Test. I guess maybe she is doing well or maybe not so well. It’s kind of hard to believe considering that she is always on YouTube, and playing with her Nintendo DS. It really has a negative influence on me whenever I see her not really studying, or trying to catch up in her homework assignments.
So far, I haven’t been able to talk to my girlfriend any, during the time, I thought she was already in Japan. I figured out that was not in Japan yet. I wonder if it cost her money to go on the Japan trip in school, probably so who knows. She sent me a comment, saying that she misses me, and that she loves me. This was after I have written her a letter on email. Meanwhile, a random girl online claims me as her sister, however she does seem like a good friend to me. She started talking to me on the Yahoo messenger. During that time, I was asleep. My phone began to start vibrate, and I picked up my phone to see who it was, and it was her. Her name is Evangeline, but she goes by Eve for short. So she and I were talking, she told me that she cried, because I deleted her from my friends list. I don’t know why it matters to her that much. She has plenty of friends as it is. I told her that because when I tried to generally talk to her about someone sending my girlfriend my random messages and I did not like that at all. She sent me a comment telling me that she want do it again in a way, I hope that she doesn’t. I trust her not to.
In class the next day, the entire class had to write a three paragraph essay. Before that, she was lecturing (more like downing the whole class) about how we do not know how to write a simple paragraph in class. It was quite a little discouraging to me. After my English instruction finished going over about, how to make an outline for writing an essay, I started to make up my own paragraph. The entire class had to write about, what’s the most important thing that, we had to learn in life. I choose a topic title called, “Long- Distance Relationships.” Another student that was sitting next to me, wanted to know about a topic that I made up for my journal entry. I told her, and then I showed her my topic title. She asked me as to rather or not I was in a long distance relationship before. I told her, that I was and she started asking me about how long have me and my girlfriend been together, and so on. I whispered and told her that, I was going to tell her later after class was over. When class finally ended, she asked the teacher that she really had to go, and at this point. It did not seem that she really wanted to know or not such an important matter to her anyway.
From last week up until now, I have seen my girlfriend get online occasionally. The ironic thing is her parents are trying to pull her away from the internet, and to get her to meet “Real people.” That’s what she said in her blog anyway. However, the ironic thing is, she’s not allow to get on MSN, because she is behind on her studies, but she gets online and stays on there for maybe approximately about, an hour and twenty minutes or longer. When I send her an email, she never writes me back, but she does send me a comment. However, it is just a short comment. She told me that she’s so addicted to Role playing, but what really bothers me is, since she can get online and stay online longer. Why can’t she talk to me on the messenger on Bebo instead? I mean it makes no since, I feel that she is either ignoring me or not really cut out to have anyone. I am not trying to be clingy or anything like that; I just feel that since she cannot get on MSN to talk to me, then perhaps on the Bebo messenger would be sufficed. To be honest, I don’t know myself of how long that this relationship is going to last, considering the way that things are right now for me. I feel like I am trying to talk to a person that completely ignores me. She says that I am the only one for her; all the people that I dated previously, says the same thing to me, and it never works out. Lately as I was sitting here writing this new book series, I began to think about some ways of coping with this relationship. Instead of allowing it to slow me down and to hold me back away from my school assignments. In fact, this semester finals are coming up soon and I want to make sure that I pass all of my classes this time. Since my Ex-girlfriend and I broke up, I didn’t want to end up with a heart "attack like that last time. However that is a long story. Clearly, I hope that she’s loyal as she says she is. I just can’t afford of being hurt anymore. It’s too Dreadful, and too much for me to bear. Sometimes, I start to feel like maybe it’s my fault because, I am not the person that the girls that I’ve dated wanted me to be. Or simply because, I do not have a lot of money or not as dominate. Similarly, maybe I have a girly voice or just not as accountable, that they assume that I would be at first. In this life that I live in now, I am barely trying to hang out to who I am in this world. And it’s really hard to do so, especially when your dating a person that you’re unsure of that will be faithful to you or not. There’re a lot of other circumstances that I have to go through, not saying that I am the only one that’s suffering. The fact of the matter is that I have to do something to cope with this relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I want this relationship to last forever, as we planned from the start, to the day we get married.
Chapter 38 Questions without answers
So far in the previous chapters, all I have been talking about is relationship issues that I had. Or some that seems to be the problem for me. As you read through the previous chapters in this book, you noticed that it was all I ever talked about. Here’s a little hint, the ironic thing is, and the stuff that I talked about the most are the most important things to me that’s bothering me. So tell you what, for those of you that are planning on making a book about your life, never send it to people that you know, especially if you know them or either live with them or dating them. It would really cause some problems, the only time that you can do that is if you’re singled. If my girlfriend ever left me for someone else, I promised myself to never love again for the rest of my life. Now, some of you that are reading this, you are thinking what?! I do not believe that, or everyone will end up loving again no matter what. The ironic thing is, relationships and marriages are for people that want to have someone in his or her life. More importantly, it is a choice; you do not have to get married. On the other hand, they never last long anyway; the divorce chart rate is really, really high of the scale right now. Perhaps you should read about that. For those of you that are wondering as to what’s the cause of the high divorce rate, or for other reasons? Well, clearly for a starters because, a lot of people never think things through. Some of us are cheating on one another, or fornicating. Last people stay married for over 31 years, and get a divorce. In addition to the high rate of divorces, there’re many reasons for the cause. Most of them are just all for the wrong reasons.
Most likely 99.85 percent of the time among a fewer people it usually lasts long. For the rest of the others, the chances are very slim. My mother said to me once that, if you’re with someone that’s not a Christian, then they will not treat you right. No matter how much they say they love you, or what think about you. They will never treat you right if he or she is not a Christian. Now usually some moms are right about certain things, but in this case I believe if two people really love each other regardless if her or she is a believer or not then, let him or she stay or be together. A lot of people that say they’re a Christian aren’t who they say they are anyway. They’re no better than non-Christians are anyway. Every Sunday morning, when I go to church. I always see as to how other people attitudes are, most of them act really fake and polite-like, when he or she is in church. I avoid people like that, at the same time I only communicate to other people that, I have known for a while. Even people that you’ve known for a long time in church, can change as well. I finally got a chance to speak to my girlfriend; she got back from a holiday field trip. She didn’t seem too happy to talk to me at all. Not to mansion she told me to shut up on Facebook; which was kind of mean. She was explaining to me of how of a “lazy poo” she was, and I thought to myself, you were not too lazy to talk to your friend but, you’re too lazy to spend with me. Well, I at this point, I feel that she doesn’t care about me anymore. So I decided to just move on, relationships now days are starting to feel useless yet, I had no idea how I ended up dating her in the first place. She says that she loves me too much, but I am not seeing any effort in that. She and Sammy, I think are having something going on. Because she seems to talk a lot to her and both of them role plays a lot. I sent her an email, just to let her know that the power was back on and stuff. But, it’s not like she cares about me anymore. So I’ve decided to move on, it makes no sense of trying to put effort in a relationship with a person, that all she cares about is role playing and hanging out with friends. I was on this Gothers.com website about a week ago while my girlfriend was out for the holidays. From what I can see, I love it. There are real people to talk to, and you do not have random people asking you to role play and just add you and never talk to you. I felt for the first time in my life, I actually have people that would care to talk to me for once. While I was on the site, there was this random girl, which I was talking to. She and I were talking and she seemed really nice. Suddenly, we started talking about dating and common stuff. She told me that she had a boyfriend but, he doesn’t treat her as his girlfriend. So I started to encourage her and tell her to just move on. She turned out to like me; however, the next day she honestly told me that, she was looking for love in all the wrong places. So on, so she figured that she would wait for me until she got older to be with me. Of course I told her to just move on, and considering I am already in a complicated relationship right now. If it doesn’t work out, I do not think I would want to love again. So I asked her was she sure about waiting for me, she said that she was positive. So we’ve been friends ever since, every day she seem to be a totally different person. Meanwhile, I was talking to someone else on Gothers.com. She and I had some common problems, I told about how my relationship was going. I couldn’t really talk to my girlfriend at all about anything, for one reason, I feel that she doesn’t care. Another reason would be is, she would jump to conclusion if I did. Finally, she wouldn’t care about my feelings or talking to me at all. During that time, I felt like as if I was being swallowed in tragedy. Back to where I always belong, in the darkness pit. Her name was Sarah, a pin-pal friend on Gothers.com. She explained to me about how she been through the same thing as I have, otherwise she contrasted by age differences. After I explained to her about my other previous relationships, she started to out measure her theory of problems on top of mines. It was kind of like a contest to see who’s got the worst problem in dating. I was not trying to beat her intelligence; I only wanted to talk to her to get things off my chest. She has been through a lot of bad relationships as well. It was a shame, which I find it difficult to talk to my girlfriend about things. Otherwise, thankfully the power came back on after the storm had taken place the other day. The only problem is I cannot get online, because the internet connection is not functioning correctly. This may be hard for me to do, but it would be best if I move on. It makes not since of being with someone that doesn’t care about you at all. When you go to other people for advice, his or her only suggestion is to just dump him or her. The reason why some individuals give out irrelevant advice is because, a lot of people do not really care of seeing other people succeed in life. My mother came and told me that, since the storm was over with, a lot of people lost his or her houses. And a couple of places have been hit as well across town. I sure hope that everyone is ok though, it’s a shame that he or she lost his or her homes. I told my mother about the wireless connection, her response was, “You just now notice about that? We don’t even have cable.” For a minute I thought, saying to myself, I already knew about it, I just wanted her to know so I told her. As for cable wise, that’s not such an issue as the wireless internet is. As for the towns and homes, which have been destroyed in distant areas, I hope and pray that everyone is ok. I wish at times if only if I was caught up in a bad storm, I wouldn’t have to worry about the things ahead anymore. It may not be much but it would be nice to help others in a way. I wish that it was some way I can help the people that may have possibly got hurt during the storm into a better safe place somehow. At lease nonetheless, I have power just so I can sit here and continue and finish this book. I am very thankful to that a lot. Overall, I might just go on and began my new album since I have the moment time to do so. I am doing this for my new Manga series that I am working on, more of getting around to work on it. In school the other day, I thank the LORD for helping me in my studies. I thank GOD for the teachers in art and in Math class, I hope to have them again soon for my next class in the fall. I did really well on my math test yesterday, I was so thrilled. Clearly, I found Math so invigorating to me. I love Math it’s my favorite subject. And so is ART class also. As for me English class, I still do not like my instructor. She’s too mean to the other students, including me half of the time. I couldn’t wait until I pass her class though, since the internet has no access right now. I minus well just wait for it to eventually come on, I wanted to get online to finish my assignments on mywrittinglab.com. Basically, all of my classes are online. I couldn’t finish my English work like I wanted to, because at the time it was so hot. The air conditioner was not working anymore, so we called to get someone to check the air conditioner box. And the mysterious stranger told me, that the conditioner box needs another motor to it. However, it was nothing that he could do at the time. So from her on then, I have sat and suffered in sleepless night with no air conditioner. My room was the hottest room in the house, every day after school; I had to take cold shower to reduce my hot body temperature. It was very dreadful but it was the only choice I had in getting a good night sleep at least. I hope that I am able to take the access test, next week. I really need to pass my Microsoft computer class. I guess you can bluntly say that I am kind of a little concerned about that than the rest of my classes. I try not to worry though, I just need to slow down and take my time. That’s one of the key points in reading; moreover, it will enable the reader to see unnoticed details also. Other than the girl problem and the storm crisis that happen here in America, everything is going ok for the time being. The news never us now days, we always have to analyze other things for our self. The storm that happened across town from here, in this area it didn’t seem like a storm came across here at all. I guess I am blessed to be on this useless planet living again thumbs down for me. Although I guess it’s a good thing, that I am still alive. Otherwise, I’d rather be dead already. Of course we all have to be careful for what we asked for. On the other hand, I’ve been asking GOD to kill me every day, and boy I do not see that ever happening. I do not really ask for much though, sometimes asking can be a real pain. Especially when a person acts irritated about it. It can really drive you apart, or he or she can make you feel like you’re getting on his or her nerves. Until finally, you get what you ask for and be happy and over with for the rest of his or her life. About an hour ago, I checked my email on yahoo and I saw that my girlfriend sent me a message. As I went to read it, she told me that she had something very important to tell me. I wonder what it’s that she wanted to tell me. She told me also in the email, that for some reason she can’t explain it online. I went onto her profile, to her best friends profile to see what was going on. I read a fewer of the comments that she sent her, but still nothing to be found. When I first discovered that she sent me an email on Bebo.com, my heart began to beat and tremble. After I had read her email, my heart began to tremble, and suddenly, I began to have a strange feeling. This feeling in a way is hard to explain. Right now, as I type this chapter, I am having quite of a hard time trying to hold on to who I am in this hour. My hands tremble with fear, I am struggling to type this; however, I am doing the best I can to be strong. I surely do not know how long I can take this pain. How long will this relationship with me and the girl I forever love will be. I don’t know if would ever love again. For so long I’ve been hurt from one person to the next person, it would probably end up being nothing left of me. By the time for this moment, my heart is racing with a strong unsettled feeling. Maybe, she feels that I can control myself. Or it could be the fact that, I am being too clingy. I am very sensitive when it comes to someone that I date. On another website called Gothers.com, I always speak to this one girl. Her name is Lola. Well, she and I met randomly online; I met Sarah and some other random interesting people. Pretty much everyone became more and more talkative when the new messenger became available. Anyway, Lola really liked me as well. She and I were talking, and she couldn’t date anyone that is older than her until she was of age herself. The only thing that really bothers me about her is, during the night when I was sharing to her about some things, that was bothering me. She started to feel kind lovey-like sorry for me. Finally, the next day, she seemed to be a total different person, as if like nothing happen. I asked her a couple of random questions, because I wanted to see if she was being real or a type to cohabitate and not caring. It turned out to be true, that she really does like me; even I couldn’t believe it myself. I’ve made it so far in my schooling to be dealing with breakdowns or fake people in my life. I do not want to end up going through the same things as my mother has gone through. I wanted a peacefully, lonely life living in a great big mansion. I wanted to be a multi-billionaire professional Manga artist someday. Which will be soon but it will be soon. Another thing that I know about her is she attends to either get off the subject, or blushes a lot. I let her see a picture of me, and she said that I was cute. I guess it’s more commonly of what people say these days. One night, I was watching a random porn anime scene. Now to let you know, I am not a porn addict, nor do I have any addictions to it. Anyway, as I was watching it, there was this guy; I do not know what his name was. If so, I forgot. He was really nice, and the other lady, that works at the florist store she was very beautiful. This lady had long red hair; she had huge average big b***s. She was I guess about 5, 7 feet tall, and she was really sexy. She felt so lonely, and started to give this girlfriend the cold shoulder. The reason for this was because after seeing her and her boyfriend together. She became so jealous and lonely. Every time she sees her boyfriend, she became so in love and full of loving warmly on the inside. This guy was a really nice guy, the only thing I love about this guy, is he reminded me as the nice person and loving as I am. Only thing is, he was on a different level, yet the result were the same just in a contrast format. I love the fact that this guy was really nice, and gentle. I saw myself in him; on the other hand, I felt that maybe I am being too nice. And that’s why I am not loved a lot of times. Or, maybe I really do not deserve to love at all. Seeing other people with his or her lovers, I began to feel unnoticed and rejected. I have been for years, which I lost my ability to even know what it’s like to have someone in my life that I can love freely forever. I also felt that my existence of my life here on earth was in vain.
Chapter 39 Silent depression About a week ago from now, my girlfriend Kelsey Jones left me. Afterwards, I was depressed and I feel as though my life was never going to be the same without here. I tried to talk to her on the messenger on Bebo.com. But she didn’t seem like she wanted to talk at all, so I began to feel that she was avoiding me at all costs. One day, she left an email to me on Facebook, saying basically telling me on how she felt. At that point, I replied back to her message not know as to rather or not if I was supposed to or not. The next day, around about 3:07 AM. Kelsey got on MSN to talk to me, and I was quite surprised because I figured that she was trying to forget about me and move on. So Kelsey and I talked for a while, and we started talking about the relationship that we had. She didn’t want to talk about it, so we were talking about the email that she sent me, we only talked for about 15 minutes. She had to go and finish her homework. After that, I was feeling so depressed. It was almost to a point that, I was not able to finish my Final artwork for class; although my teacher didn’t really mind at all. I spoke to my Teacher named Ms. Lynn on the phone a couple of times; I enjoyed talking to her about a lot of things. The things I found it hard to talk to me mother about. Finally, I got on gothers.com just to browse around and I found out that, Gothers.com has a new updated messenger. I started to check it out, and I enjoyed it. It was way better than email that’s for sure, although some of the things on the website needed a little bit of work in some areas. Otherwise, everything was fine so far. While hanging out on Gothers.com, I first met a girl named Sarah. She was a good friend to talk to, and so did some other random people on Gothers as well. The thing I found Gothers.com more enjoyable, was the fact that, even people that I barely knew talked to me as well. None of them seemed anti-social or nothing, it was way better than Bebo.com, and Facebook. Facebook is okay, just a lot of bitchy people on there if you know what I mean. Me and my ex girlfriends’ friend are not friends anymore. What happen was, it started out the day before yesterday. I was joking with her about being moody; she lashed at me and got really personal towards me for no reason. Like I don’t something to offend her, and then the next time, she unlike any other times, she posts a lot of videos on Facebook. Now I rarely comment on her post, this particular time, I left a comment on a video that I really liked. I almost choked again watching it, and I really liked it a lot. So I left some funny random comments saying, “Lag, xD hahaha.” That was my way of saying I liked it. So then she got bitchy about it or personal, and told me to stop commenting on every video that she posts up on Facebook. Now as I read this, I had it and I got tired of her getting personal towards me for no reason. Nevertheless, I do not understand what might be her problem at times. I even sometimes wonder, does she ever do that to her friends? It may be a possibility. So, I saw that she accused me of leaving mean random comments on ever video that she puts up on Facebook. I got really tired of her attitude, so I put her in her place. Although my comment was a bit choppy at the time, I began to realize, that she’s not such a person worth being friends with anymore. Sammy and I were like strangers, and we rarely spoke to each other. So she decided to delete me from Facebook. I didn’t really care at all; I was starting to get rid of her anyway. I do not understand how Kelsey deals with her half of the time. I was prompted to tell Kelsey about it when she got online, as I sit here and type this, it really kind of makes me angry just the fact of me telling you all about this little predicament. Anyway, other than that, at lease I have people that really cares and that aren’t very bitchy and moody like as Sammy is. Some people aren’t very nice and friendly to others, yet most of them want to school you on stupid things to make you feel like an immature person that knows little about others with personalities. Pretty much it kind of makes you feel like the person is saying that you’re dump and immature. A question popped up in my head wondering, why does a nice person at heart, are always friends with someone that is a totally jerk? The ironic thing about that is, a fewer more or less people are always friends with people like that. It really sucks at times. So on, while I was on Gothers, I met another person and her name was Lola. Well, she was very nice to talk with; however, she liked me a lot because of the fact that I was nice to her and things. She wanted me so badly, but because of the age differences between me and her, she claims that she couldn’t have me. Suddenly one day, I found out by a couple of people her boyfriend Alec and then, now Justin. She was going with Justin; I found this out when I asked him. So I left Lola an email saying basically, I do not appreciate deceptive and liars or people that are not what they say they are. After that I spoke to Justin again, and let’s just say, his response was not a very nice at the lease. Consequently, I found out that Lola was starting drama for her own amusement. I found out soon that it was true after all. And then I met someone very special to me, her name was Femke. At first me and her randomly met on Gothers.com, I was talking with her about my breakdown issue. I was depressed during that time. And Femke and I talked for a bit, she started to like me. At first she was feeling limited, because of the age differences, she only need on step at a time to get used to things. So she and I finally started dating again, after a while, we took the time to get to know each other a bit more. She told me about a previous relationship that she has been in herself. Later after that, I asked her to would she marry me someday. I was excited, when she said yes. For the first time in my life, she actually spends time with me. She was nothing like my ex-girlfriend at all. She always had time for me, and I loved everything about her, her attitude, and for her being there for me always. Even if it was just online, my heart began to cry on the inside out of sheer love for her. I promised her that I would come to see me when she was done with school. I got on my knees and prayed for her every night, and I encouraged her to as well. She told me that she was a Christian as well, I was happy. I think about her every day and enjoy the talks that Femke and I share. She means a lot to me, I promised to always be by her side forever. The other day, my mother and I decided to go walking. It was pretty boring to me though, because, my mother always come up with boring stuff to do. So we were walking around of high way 89 north and back around the different way. I was so hot, after we got done walking a lap around the area; my right leg was hurting badly a little bit. I decided to take summer the semester off, considering my mother had plans for all of us to go to Disney land. Yeah I know, I know sounds like fun huh? Well, at lease I can get out of the house and enjoy. For the time being I figured to stay over to my grandmother’s house, until it was time to go, and then my mother can take me back to my grandmother’s house. I called my grandmother once last week on Sunday, but I got no answer. So I left her a voice mail. My mother was talking about how arberda city was not there anymore; my mother also told me that, my Dad lives there. Well, I guess he’s ok, let’s hope he’s, I do not really care about my old man anymore; however, I hope he’s ok and so on. Today, Femke, and I were talking. We were kicking it off great, she loved me and I loved her so much. Suddenly, she began to tell me that she told her friends about me. They had a disagreement with her, as a result made her feel critic towards the one person she found and love which is me. I on the other hand felt that I was going to get hurt again. If that does ever happen, I will never date again. At a point in my life I am tired of being hurt. I don’t know if her and I will last that long, when it comes to best friends, they always ruin a good relationship out of proportion. That really sucks though, at this point I decided to stay singled, plus this will be the twelfth girl this year. *signs* when will this girl problem cycle will end. Maybe, I said a lot of things and cause her to fall so hard for me, that she feels like everyone is against her. For what she likes, my life really sucks and I am not going to wait until I am 60 or 70 years old to date someone. I decided to go to my grandmother’s house, and stay there for a couple of days. I do not want to get into no more relationships anymore after this, because I have a lot of stuff going for me. I do not want anything to affect me in my school work or anything else. Sometimes, I find it hard to find someone that would like me. Most people here in this country are racists, and I hate racist’s people period. Right now, as I type this. I feel rejected a little and alone, a lot of people gives you passive advices such as, “Well you just have to find the right people in life,” or, “just do not give up, there is always someone out there that is searching for that one person.” nevertheless, they will not know what to say at all. My people give out advices because, they feel like they should and not from the heart. Only a fewer people care in this tragic life, which we live in. This is life is not really at all anymore a good place to live. I feel that people here in this country are out of control in this world we live in. Anywhere you go is a major crisis. I do not know if I can hold out any longer, I feel that I am going to not exist anymore. Basically I am saying that, I am having ups and downs in life. I guess it’s part of life as you grow up, most people waste 10 years of his or her life doing drugs and other things, instead of taking care of his or her bodies. Finally, needless to say, no one really cares about his or her bodies; which is a shame. About a week ago, my as I have said before encase if I had never mansion to you during the previous chapters; my girlfriend Kelsey left me. For the very truly first time of my life, I felt forsaken and cold. As though I was so empty on the inside sinking into a dark hole of an endless pain pit, falling forever. After that, for some reason I was hurt, but not as much as my ex-girlfriend Kelsey took it. I am quite surprised that, she’s handling it so well. Considering all of the work, that she has going for her. I really miss her though at that point, I didn’t have any friends, nor did I have any friends online. All I had was Kelsey, and she left me. This is the 12 girl this year that rejected me; At that point, I didn’t think I was ever going to love again. I began to feel hopeless, the only thing that kept me as who I am, was Jesus Christ, my heavenly Father. Clearly, I love the Lord with all of my heart and soul; even though I have not been reading the bible like I should be. The storm about 2 weeks ago in April, began to turn bad. A Tornado came across the United States, and wiped out over half of the states, homes, and innocent people. After the storm was over, on a Sunday evening, my step dad and I alone with my mother and some of my sisters cousins; went to sign up to help our community. At first, it was so sudden to me, that I didn’t know if I wanted to do it or not; however, I hesitated to sing up. At this point, I wanted to go home and look over it, so that I can fill it out. My step Dad told me on the way home, that it was going to be too late to turn back after I had finished the sign up form. Suddenly, I thought about my grades and my finals. I couldn’t go because of that and I did not know what to do. So I decided to stay, and wait for my grades to come up. The other day, my mother and I got into an argument. The argument got started with when I cooked some vegetables in the cooking pot. My mother started nagging, and said that I never ask asked anyone if they were hungry or not, and I always cook things for myself. What really got me upset, was the fact that she did not seem to consider me a minute ago asking her if she was hungry. She asked me what was I going to cook, and I told her that I was not so sure. Secondly, she was too busy reading her school books, and eating junk all of the time. She never told me what she wanted, so she told me that she did not want anything. Finally, my mother and I were arguing about pretty much how she was not, any help to me and she kept saying arrogant things towards me. I was lost my trust in her, when she was using strong language, and profanity against me. So after the argument was over, she ran to the back and was on the phone, talking to her brother. As if like I am supposed to be scare or something, at that point even up until know; as I am telling you this story. I reached a point, that I really do not like my mother anymore. After thinking back on these painful memories, that I have; I realized at that very moment she has never been there when I needed her the most. The argument that I just had with her, I was starting to feel like a problem like always apparently. Little does she not understand or know is the fact that she does not know what I am going through in my life right now. At certain times, she comes into the room and talks to me. I noticed also, that whenever she decides to come into my room to sit on the bed; is when she wants to talk about me doing things, and pretty much making me feel like; I am the problem to her. A lot of times, I always feel like I am the problem to her; I didn’t feel like I was needed anymore in my mother house. Considering during the things I went through in the past, she was never there for me. I was lied on and, I have been accused about many things, which I didn’t do in school. Clearly, I was a bit of a trouble maker throughout those days ago; however, I just wanted attention. Since, I was just a baby, in day care; no one would play with me. As I looked around at the other kids, watching them have a good time. I never had that in my life at all. No matter, how many times I tried; no one would even look at me. I felt like a useless person, during the days as I got older, I was alone. I had no one to talk too; I couldn’t even talk to my mother about things. For some reason, I had this feeling since I was a child that my mother didn’t seem like a person to talk to at all to me. Out of all of the things, which I went through, I did not feel like I had a good child hood at all. I told a fewer people online, some cared at lease and the other fewer people didn’t. I felt stupid afterward of telling people my issues online, it’s not like they be there for you. Since I’ve been on Gothers.com, I have met some nice people. I even found someone special also. At first, she was having her problems, but then Femke and I started dating. During the times that Femke and I dated, she began to open up to me more and even told me she that, she loves me as her Father, but more. I knew a lot of her secrets, and her better than, her best friends in school would. At any case, I just hope that Femke and I stay together. She promised me that, she would never leave me. It really meant a lot to me, that she really, really loved me with her whole heart. I kept telling her, that I was going to come see her soon after I finish school. Of course I need transportation as well, but that will be taking care of as well. She told me that she and the family were coming to America, to visit their aunt’s house. Meanwhile, Femke is there, her parents were going mountain climbing. Something like that I think, even up to know I asked myself, I wonder will she be able to come to see me; encase if things gets dicey? I never attempt to ask her; otherwise she may give up on me. And that would not be too good for me, before I dated her; I didn’t want her to think, that I was just misplacing her with someone else that I lost previously. She even told me that, she was thinking of suicide; but now that I was in her life, I changed all of that. At this point, I never knew that so much impact that would make on her. I love her with all of my heart, she’s the best ever in the world for me. I promised her as well, that I will never hurt her. So now the fact that we both promised, I even asked her 2 weeks later to marry me when she finishes school. She said yes, I was so happy; after that, she has there for me and she really loves me. At first she told me she still loved her ex-boyfriend, I was thinking during that time before we dated that, maybe I should encourage her to be with him again. She told me for an unknown reason, he didn’t love her anymore. She told me, that she asked him; but he never told her. One day, she told her friends about me. Her friends didn’t seem to like me at all. She feeling at that point, that she needed to leave me; apparently, her friends must be the critic fetish types, that aren’t really understanding on certain things. She told me that she even told her best friend wouldn’t understand. She cried a little in real life, I began to encourage her, and tell her how age does not matter. If two people really love each other, no one should judge him or her for it. She felt much better and started to talk to her friend the next day; she came back home and told me that, everything worked out fine. I was glad, at lease her friends were the lease understandable enough to know that people have choices in life that he or she wants to follow right? So everything went back smoothly again, currently, Femke fell asleep. I even sometimes give her extra time to sleep, because I know that she had a long day, and works really hard in school. I love Femke so much, she means a lot me. I finally arrived to my grandmother’s house; I had a chance to see my two cousins, which was a good start. My oldest cousin, did not seem to not to feel like himself lately. I hope that he gets better soon, I also had a chance to talk to my girlfriend Femke; she and I talked for a minute. I told her that I was going to be right back, because my two cousins were here to hang out for a while. My girlfriend Femke wanted me to wake her up in 10 minutes, so I waited to wake her up; she didn’t respond back. I understood at that moment that, she was tired. She told me about her fun at one of her friend’s birthday party, she also told me about a couple of guys, saying things to her. The ironic thing is, when a person is with another, a couple of guys, are always on the side lines being the most idiot on the planet. It really sucks, just like be a reject is either way; the results are kind of the same. Considering people her age aren’t really serious about relationships, and yet other people feel that they have to date other people of his or her age. It really sucks, yet my opinion; age doesn’t matter. But a lot of people, such as teens sort of speak, are very consistent. Little does he or she realizes, that dating he or she with a bad reputation will always ruin his or her like at will. A lot of things in this world are so much complicated at times, and at times it can be good times. Nevertheless a lot of people in circumstances learn things the hard way around. My cousin just got grounded again for his grades, it really sucks though. It’s never any fun when, he’s grounded at all. I spoke to my grandmother, about the argument that my mother and I had last week. She agreed and knows what I was talking about; my grandmother has always been a person to understand things a lot. Come to think of it, after I told her about how my mother called her brother and listening to him say things as well, I felt very tragic about that. My grandmother told me if I ever got kicked out that, I can live with her; I had to think about that, nevertheless, I never let what her or my mother say; turn me away from the truth as a believer.
Chapter 40 The cloth of peace The other day, I was over to my cousin’s house online. I spoke to my girlfriend about my cell phone issue, and the only way I could get it reset up is to get the pin number to make changes and get my cell phone back on tract. Nevertheless, this is quite a story to tell though. So I will explain what all happen, by now as I know, I have a lot more stories to tell. I enjoy telling them; now then, When I first arrived to my grandmother’s house, I was texting my girlfriend. Femke and I stayed up throughout the night talking to each other. So the next day, I was on the MSN messenger on my phone; suddenly, my cell phone was cut off. At first, I concluded that the connection was having trouble. During that time, I went with my biological father, to help him out getting things in his truck. For the most part, my oldest cousin Jared did most of the work, while me on the other hand; did nothing. It was a useless purpose of tagging along to help in the first place. I tried to help in some way I could but, it afterwards but, it didn’t quite go as well anyway. By the time I left from my grandmother’s house and back, I was trying to get back on MSN. At the same time I was worried, that my girlfriend would be worried sick about me. When I finally got back, I tried to text my mother, and other people, but an error on my cell phone appeared saying, “access dined,” Finally, I tried to call my mother, but the operator picked up. At this point I realized that, I needed to contact the Sprint Company; to find out what was going on with my cell phone. I called and spoke to several of employees that work there for help, but one of them told me about a previous order that was being made recently on the account. I did not know what the password was, and nor did my mother knew of it either. I called my mother several times to talk to her, but she did not answer. Finally 10:34PM at night, she finally called back. I told her what happen, and the asked her for the password, and she told me that she could not remember, what the pin number was to the account for the Sprint account. I began to ask her about as to rather or not if Jennifer know of it. By the way, I called my sister’s phone a couple of times as well. My mother told me about how my sisters dad changed things around, and about how he was complaining about a lot of text messages; that was being sent. At this point, I was a bit disappointed about what told me that had happen. To top it all off, my grandmother drove me to school, to turn in my work to my Microsoft Computer instructor. I logged on Yahoo, and saw that my mother sent me a message a message saying to call her when I got back to my grandmother’s house. I called my mother to see what happen; she asked me when I was going to be home, I told her that I was not sure when I was going to be home. Finally, she told me that she workers were trying to reset the Sprint cell phone account. Unless here and I go together; they were going to send us to jail, including me. Before I knew about this, I thought that my sister’s dad deleted my cell phone number off of the account. What a waste, the worst part of it all was that I didn’t have any other way to talk to my girlfriend. MSN on my cell phone was the only way I could talk to her; I really miss her so much. I told her in advance to trust and be strong; I didn’t want her to feel sad. She told me that she promised not to think that way again. Finally I told her to do other things to get her mind off of random things. Femke and I were talking on Skype; due to my yahoo messenger was acting up. She finally had the courage to see me on Skype webcam; she didn’t seem so shy; however, in a way she was a little bit. I really enjoyed it a lot seeing her. She was as beautiful as I imagined her to be, she told me that she wasn’t beautiful, I told her that I know that she’s beautiful and it does not matter what others say about her. I love her and I love everything about her; her beautiful smile and those juicy red blushy cute cheeks of hers makes my world shine in my hear with joy. Right now, I am trying to go to my cousin’s house to use their internet chord. So that I can talk to my girlfriend, even though it was quite hard for me to do so; due to the fact that, my little cousin Xavier always trying to get into my privacy. Otherwise, he was getting on my nerves and I kept telling him to go away. When he gets older, he’ll understand how things go from here on then. My oldest cousin started laughing when he saw my girlfriend, and made fun of her. I didn’t quite understand this generation these days; bit by bit I do. I always thought regardless of what a person looks like, as long as you find another person to really love you and be there was all that matters. According to this generation, it does matter or seem to “Click” in yet. One day, when my cousin Jared and I went to his house. I began to notice instantly, that it was so hot; it was like being in a hot oven. My grandmother is the same way. To put this bluntly, I do not understand why my grandmother and my aunty live like this. It was hot, that it seemed as like we were in an oven. My aunty went in my cousin’s room, and told him to left up his window. The thing I did not understand, as I was thinking to myself, why would he tell him to left his window up when it’s so hot? Does her air conditioner work? My cousin told me about it, and by what he told me that, she said seems either as an excuse or it does not make any sense at all. Of course I had a great time, the only problem was the fact it was so hot, or haven’t they forgotten about the fact that WINTER season is finally over. At this point, wanted to go home, I just can’t stay here if it’s going to be hot like this. I mean bluntly, if it’s going to minus well go outside in the hot sun instead. Otherwise, I rather am at home instead. It’s too hot over to my grandmother’s house and my Aunt’s house. I hope that she never does that again, the ironic part that fascinated me was, the fact that my oldest cousin Jared was able somehow to overcome the circumstance of his room being so hot. I finally got a chance to get online to talk to my girlfriend, with my cell phone being cut off; things just do not feel the same. The other day, I went to my Aunts house to use the internet; I usually use the internet chord to get online on my computer and stuff. This particular day, I asked my Aunt if I could use the internet chord to get online, she told me that her husband was using it at the moment. So my little cousin and I were sitting his room; I was watching him play some of his games on the XBOX 360. About a second later, I asked my little cousin could I use his computer. He allowed me to use it, and I got on to check my emails. Mainly, I only wanted to send my girlfriend an email. I wanted to let her know that I haven’t been home yet, so my Aunt comes in and she was acting suspicious as usual. When I asked told her about how my grandmother wanted some potatoes, so that she can cook them. My Aunt began to are historical about it, and she began to turn and ask me, “How did you telling me about the potatoes, suddenly cause you to end up online?” At this point, she was acting retarded; I can’t stand her when she’s acting like this. My Aunt is the type that, she watches me every time I come to hang out with my cousins, and when I want to do something; she starts to get personal about things half of the time. Clearly, she can be nice when she wants to I guess. Secondly, when she came back in my little cousin’s room, she asked me a random question such as, “So if my internet was down, what would you do?” At that point I was pissed off at her, when my cousin’s and me finally got back to grandma’s house; We were all in the back room talking about my arrogant Aunt and the way she acts some times. Since I have been over here to my grandmother’s house, it has not only been so hot down here, but also I cannot seem to have privacy when my cousins are over here. My little cousin mostly, is a pain at times. As far as me using the internet at their house, I realize it’s not such a good idea. The only thing is left for me to do; is to try and get home. At lease there I can have my own privacy, and I do not have to worry about my family there being nosy. At this point, I thought that me coming over here would be a piece of cake; since I had my cell phone with Yahoo and MSN messenger to talk to me girlfriend on; however, when my cell phone went off, other things went downhill for me. It was difficult to use Skype on my computer to talk to me girlfriend, without my cousins snooping around; especially my little cousin. My little cousin Xavier, sometimes do strange stupid stuff, my oldest cousin Jared is 14 years old, and my little cousin Xavier, is 12 years old. My older cousin always want to go back to grandma’s house; because he’s bored; on the other hand, it’s bored up to grandma’s house too, all we ever do is sit and watch TV. While listening to my grandmother say that everything to her is demonic, because of the things that she sees do not happen in real life. The main point is not being about to have privacy to talk to my girlfriend or at lease send an email to one of my professors. I realize that I did not want to stay here any longer, so I called my grandmother to come and pick me up when she can this week. My grandmother’s car has been in the shop for some time now; about a week almost. I am just dying to go back home and do what I need to do. I realized that I need to go and get ready to finish school for the rest of the semester, so I can move out of my mother’s house and get a better life of my own. Right now, the only thing I am waiting for is for my grandmother’s car to hurry up and get fixed. Soon I will get my own Sprint plan, so I can continue to use my Blackberry. It makes now since to have such a nice phone and allow it to go to waste. In the meantime, it was so hot in my grandmother’s house that I can barely do anything. When it’s hot, I cannot read write or draw. I miss being on the internet though, and with my privacy of course. As for me using the internet for personal reasons here, it’s not going to work at all. My Aunt said a year ago that she was going to get everything fixed up so my cousin’s and I could have wireless internet. But it doesn’t seem like that will ever happen, and I want ever come back until I get some device and a way to talk to my girlfriend. Until then, staying at home is the only way that, I can have and stay in contact with my girlfriend. My mother has wireless, and so that’s why. Hopefully, I will have enough money to start my own phone plan soon. Anyway, my little cousin called the police a day ago and about a week ago. He gets mad and when things do not go his way, yeah you get my drift. I bet most of you reading this book would conclude or say, that if it was you, you would be grounded for months until you’re thirty sort of speak. That happens to fewer people most of the time, or occasionally. About a day later in the month of May, I spoke to my mother and apologized for the little argument that her and I had. It was the second time that I apologized to her, nevertheless when I first got back home; she was fussing at me still. I didn’t feel that she forgave me for my wrongs, even though I know that I was wrong. The next day my mother’s brother which is my Uncle Zack, the guy I told you about in the previous chapters of my other books. Well he came in and started banging on the door, my heart dropped. I had no idea who it was, until my uncle started yelling. I knew at that moment it was him, so I open the door and said hello to him. He told me, that he wanted to talk to me. So my mother’s brother and I were inside the car talking; about the things that was bothering me. After talking to him, it was not so bad after all. He was right to the point about things, and then from that point on I finally was open to him a little bit and told him some other things. Nevertheless, I already knew why he was here mainly for. I knew that my mother had something to do with it; I started to just do my job so I can leave this place. I felt like my mother was putting her brother on me every time when things seem to her to be a bit dicey. After that everything was back to normal I guess, I don’t know if I am a good son of my mothers in this family. Needless to say, I do not think that; my mother will ever see any good in me in the future. Even if I did finish school and accomplished in other things. One thing for sure I knew that cared was my girlfriend, she loves me for me. She’s everything I want in a girl. My girlfriend and I talked on Skype all night long; we kept waking each other up in 5 or 10 minutes. We had a great time; I enjoyed making her laugh and seeing her beautiful smiles every day. She will be 13 soon, going to middle school. She went to camp for her current school year, and well I miss her already she will be back on Wednesday this week. The other day, my mother and I were talking. She was showing me how easy an online class that she was doing is; of course I know that already. It went from that to her talking to me about other random stuff, about the some old things such as, about the past of my grandmother and about how I was telling my grandmother things behind her back, and stuff like that. Pretty much far more other things, nevertheless it had nothing to do with me at all. At this point of listening to her, I felt down and useless; every time I heard of her talking to me about these random things, and didn’t know how much I could take listening to her but, I got tired of standing there listening to her. I apologized to her many times, and she still won’t just call it quits. I guess she enjoys talking about the same old things over and over again, the worst part about it is when she graduates next year, and goes traveling; she was going to put me out and find an apartment for me to stay in. After she said that, I felt like it was too sudden for me; more less just the fact that it makes things a whole lot complicated for me to go to school. At this point, I promised my girlfriend, that I was going to see her after school. To be honest they way my mother is, as being complicated, I have no idea of how I am going to get done with school as far as trying to get there and back. As I finally got back in the room I saw that my girlfriend was offline on Skype, I read a message saying that she had to go eat soon. I woke up the next day, and me and Femke were talking on yahoo. She told me that, her parents found out about me and her. So she broke up with me, and I feel kind of hurt a little from all of this. I figured that something like this was going to happen. From this point on, I am not going to love again and I mean it this time. Well, I know that tis must seem drastic but, I have to stop looking for happiness in other people. I understand and see what my mother was telling me on that one, so I can relate to that. I guess, I can’t go there to see her. I tried to talk her out of not leaving me, but she told me she had too because she didn’t want to hurt her parents. She got back online and told me that, she was going to take a shower to calm down and think. My guess would be about what had just happen, no guarantees that, anything will be resolved though. I guess she’s thinking about, how and what she can do to stay with me. At this point, I can understand that this must be hard for her; she must feel hurt about this as well. At this point, I feel like a witness to everyone else having someone and not me at all. I really hated the fact that, I got her caught up in this. Although this will take a will, she just that maybe trying to think of ways of how to get over me somehow. Mainly it could be it; otherwise she could be thinking of something else to calm herself down. For some reason, I feel that I have lost something that I look forward to seeing one day when I finished school. I feel bad, and I do not think I will love again. The best thing for me to is to just move on and even if I live a lonely life, it will be best for me, than to keep getting hurt and rejected all of the time. Mainly, I feel ashamed of myself for getting myself into situations like this, when I should be getting a part-time job or something. At this rate, I find myself doing a whole lot of thinking on a fewer things instead. I guess you can say I am coming up with an idea to go on as I proceed in life. My girlfriend’s parents found out that Femke and I were dating, and she told them that I was 14; she did that to keep confusion for the both of us away. During the moment that she told me what happen, my heart sort of dropped a little. I tried to talk her out of it, more in a way of saying that it was her choice to do what makes her happy. She told me that, she really didn’t want to leave me but she had to. She even promised me that she wouldn’t hurt me, but she told me she would have to hurt me now. After that she left me, I felt crushed and rejected like always. I guess you can say that it was back to the “Drawing board” for me pretty much. During the night while I was sleeping, my heart began to start pounding hard in an uneasy way; I felt that something was wrong. Until today when Femke told me, she told me that they found out about us dating, her parents suggested that she stops. Femke told me that she wanted to stay with me and be happy; however as a result of that, it would hurt her parents. I tried to convince her, but after she told me about her parents and things. I just told her that I understand, it was hard for me, but I had to let her go at this point. So after that, she got offline on the MSN messenger. I thought to myself, “Well I guess this is it, back to the drawing board for me.” Suddenly, she got back online and told me she was going to take a shower and then come back later, after she finished thinking things over. I was expecting her to take a while to come up with her decision on in this current situation. She told me she wanted to stay with me, the catch is she had to tell her friends; that she broke up with me. To prevent them from saying anything. At first I thought of it to be a good idea, and well to be honest; I do not think it will be such a good idea. This plan had a drawback, if she does do it then that means they will assume that she’s single. From there it may get kind of complicated, otherwise I really do not want lose her ever. I do not know if she will wait that long for me, she promised me that she will never leave me. And now she tried to leave me but couldn’t I do not know what to do, for one thing though; I do not want to walk on egg shells again wondering if I am going to get rejected again. I am not pointing fingers at no one; I am saying this on a general level. My girlfriend is going fishing with her father at the moment, before she left and things, she told me that her parents found out about a picture that she drew for me and her. With love hearts and things, she also told me that she cried all night last night. I was online the other day waiting for her to get back online. So on I started to ask her questions as to what did her parents say to her, and why would they not want her to talk to me anymore. I not only felt guilty, but also ashamed. I asked her one final question, and the question I asked her was; “Are you willing to wait for me for 5 years, and are you okay with talking to me less often?” She told me that yes and she doesn’t like the fact that we have to talk less often, but she had to. After that she told me that, she was going to talk to me tomorrow, I do not know what time tomorrow. I am guessing to just get up around 5AM again. After Femke and I finished talking, she had to go. About 5 to 10 minutes later, I saw her log on Skype; I guess she was trying to turn off her computer. Finally, I began to start doing a lot of thinking myself on this situation; my biggest concern is, this time will she keep her promise to me? Or will she hurt me again? I do not know what will become of the relationship between me and her, I do not know what to expect any more now. I was crying earlier from what happen, she told me not to worry and to relax. Keep smiling and be happy, although it was hard for me not to worry that she will hurt me again. I felt even worse for asking her such mindless questions, I feel like a police detector asking a lot of questions. It was not only terrifying but mind boggling in an uneasy way to me. I guess what I am trying to say in all of this is, I was pushing myself and beating myself up about it. As I sit here and write this story, I thought to myself, “Maybe I should not talk to her for a while?” Would that help? Or if we stop talking at all, what would become me and her? Will Femke just give up reject me and walk away? Most people would do that, as for me I always make sacrifices. I feel that I may end up doing that for the rest of my life, in relationships. Maybe I am too soft, or a push over mummasboy. I do not know how I can get over this. For one thing, if I do not chop over this little hurt of insecure soon before my fall semester school starts soon, I may end up failing my classes again because of this like the last, when I first applied for college in the summer. I do realize that I sitting her in my room won’t help at all, so the only thing to do right now is to wait and try to figure some things out. For the time being I have a lot of thinking to do. I do not know for sure how long Femke and I will last, but if she’s willing to give it a try still know what she and I will face, I admire that about. At lease she’s trying, instead of throwing in the towel like most people would do. Chapter 41 Another path To think by now for so many years past, that people would really be serious in life. But no they keep Getting stronger; so far in this chapter the most things as far as talking about relationships, are one of the most things that are bothering me the most. I am tired of being hurt, and going back into that darken place of rejection. So far, hardships are beginning to turn its way again.
The next day, I and my girlfriend Femke were talking. We were talking about, us and the fact that I am really trying to make me and my girlfriend work in this relationship. I told her that in spite of my worrying about her, I wanted to talk about so I can see what’s going on. The only one thing she did to mess up everything is that, she told her parents that we do not talk anymore; to prevent them from lecturing her. In a way it was a good move, but the drawback is it would make things even harder for me and her. I felt like that I was the root of everything that has happen to her, we talked on Skype the other day, and she told me that she understand more then she think I do. I hope that she’s no bluffing about that, today after that, I was up all night around 12:07AM waiting for her; she usually get online around my time over her, and her time is different in Holland. She kept getting on and off Skype, because she was helping her father with something. Finally after that, she never got back on after that, I waited, and waited, and waited for her, but she never got back on. I felt at this point, she was in trouble or got grounded. She may have a friend over, maybe she will get back online tomorrow morning hopefully.
This particular mourning, I was in bed asleep. Suddenly, I heard fussing and yelling. I peeked through the door to see what was going on. My mother told me that all she told my step dad is that he needed to watch his mouth, at some time or another afterwards, I has a hunch of knowing that this was going to happen again. I overheard my mother talking to her brother about, my mother’s husband was angry for no reason. To be honest, I do not know the whole story about what’s happen. One thing I know for sure I do not feel safe at home anymore, and I feel that I am the cause of drama around my mother’s house; even though I did not do anything. Last night, my mother’s Brother spoke to me, and the only thing he seems to get on to me about is me getting a job. As I was sitting there listening to him talk to me, he began to act as though I wanted to fight him; I did not want to fight, I am not a violent type person. The worst thing that happened is, he told me that, he was going to give me until the month of September from now to find a job. So at that point, I felt threatened and my body began to be felt with fear. I was not afraid and I never had been afraid of anything, the fear and the emotions I felt were coming from my mother’s Brother Zack; which is my uncle. Remember what I told you about my mother’s brother Zack during the previous novels I wrote? Well encase if you were wondering, that’s the one I was telling you about, the one that was trying to teach me to fight back. After my Uncle spoke to me, I was not only threatened, I did not feel safe at home anymore. My mother came back home, and I went into the kitchen. I did not know why I came to the kitchen; my mother was asking me about what did her husband Joe said. He is considered my step dad, but I do not consider him a step dad at all. I told her that he was in the room the whole time, so I start reacting in a weird way as she told me to come in the kitchen, me and my mother looked eye to eye; it felt weird looking at my mother while standing there. Finally, my life really sucks. I mean as long as I stay at home, the more drama it will cause. I already have to deal with my uncle threatening me to kick me out of the house, in September if I do not find a job. I do not like a male figure to come into my life; I’ve dealt with male figure abuse since I was a child. Which it explains why some kids, are doing bad things in their life anyway. All because of a father figure in his or her lives.
At this moment, I feel empty and falling back in the pit that I have come out of. If I ever fall back this time, I may not come back to life again. No one really appreciates me, even if I was acting tough-like all of the other guys (That I not do) is completely stupid. This life, which I have been given to live, is in turmoil right now. Death has tried so many times to kill me, but for some reason I am still living. Sometimes, I do not understand why I can just die as an infant, when I was having seizures back then as a baby. I feel that my life would be better off that way, the way things are now, I do not know if I can continue on living on this earth. I feel as though in my vision, I am at the gates of the torment pit of emptiness, while two people of nemesis are about to through me into the pit. Lock me way for eternity, knowing already I do not feel if I have a chance in my life for other things. I do not feel that I am cut out for them, no matter how many times, I try to hang on. The stronger the twice as strong giants I have to face. It’s like a hug burden between me and my path of walking to get to my destiny in life. I never thought that, this day would come so dearly to me. This story of my life shall go on until I die, not trying to sound suicidal or anything, I just hope it comes soon into my life. Perhaps then, I want have to deal with the life I live in anymore. It’s not really my life anyway, so why life a life that’s someone that has created you on this world? Well, the ironic thing is I did try to kill myself many times, but I never could bring myself to do it. There were times in my childhood live that, I got beatings for things half of the time, that I never can understand as to why I was getting beat so badly. My mother tried to kill me once, as she was beating me, she held me against the wall with one hand squeezed around my neck really hard. At first I thought I was going to die, nevertheless I was beaten even worse while being tied up with chords and more other stuff. My mother threw objects at me, and during that time that I was getting a beating, I felt that she was talking her stress out on me. Most or for some of you, that are taking out the time from his or her business schedule, are thinking probably for the conclusion that you have in; you went through a more risky childhood than I have. Rest a sure that, this novel is about me and my life. The purpose of this novel is to inspire others in everyday life. So while you’re reading this, just try to put yourself into my shoes, and only then you will understand.
Anyway, I haven’t heard from Femke in ages. My conclusions may be either she is having a family gathering, or on punishment. If she’s on punishment, I wonder for what reason? Could he be having a friend for the night over? No it can’t be it. Or could it? Maybe the only way she can cope with the relationship with me and her, by not get online for a while. Well can she decide to get of the pain of losing me so she could have the strength, to leave me once and for all? Well so many questions and yet so little time. So far, I am not getting and bad vibes. Nevertheless, this is not like her to not want to talk to me at all. Something has to be wrong; the last time I spoke to her was about 7 days ago. After that, I never heard from her again; I have really tried to make us work. The only thing that she did to make it a bit harder on us, was the fact that, she told her parents that we were not talking anymore. I guess she did that to keep confusion and drama from drawing in. I always heard that communication was the key to relationship, however if Femke and I aren’t communicating what if she decides to fall for another person, and secretly not tell me about it? It may happen; she told me she will never leave me. I meant a lot to her; however what if she changes her mind about me, after sometime from now? All things can be a possibility, nevertheless if it ever happens I am just going to move on and stop loving and never love again. As I sit here and type this, it gives me mind boggling and worrying feelings, for the thought of talking about this. I prayed for her, and I hope to hear from her soon. I would like to know what has went on, Dion and I talked, he’s another friend from Gothers.com. I’ve never heard or been able to talk to him in ages. Right now, I feel alone but maybe it’s better for me this way. Relationships are no fun at all believe me, I would rather be successful, than to deal with being hurt from one person after another.
I just cannot handle it like other people can, just because of the fact that I am 22 years old currently. Doesn’t mean it can be ignored even when it’s hard to. I decided to wait until Femke gets online, and see what’s going on with her, and why haven’t she been online for so long. I really miss her a lot, on my way home, I was thinking about me seeing her at the airport. And I ran and wrapped my arms around her, with excitement, as we both drown each other with kisses. I am praying that the Lord would really continue to help me finish school; I am going to move out in Japan away from this country. I am going to leave the right way though and not the wrong way. Does that really matter though? I never wanted to talk to me mother my grandmother again, I just want to forget about the past behind me and move on as a fresh start. If I have to be by myself for 5 more years, I do not mind. Relationships aren’t working for me anymore anyway. Most people say they want hurt you, but they will go behind his or her backs and do so anyway. The way this world is now, there’s no such thing is the right person. If Femke ever cheat on me, or secretly fall for someone else, I will never love again, and that’s a promise.
I have some bad news for you all. Well, my girlfriend Femke left me because her parents didn’t want me talking to her anymore for some reason. Hey parents were very over protective; her dad is the most troublesome. So once again, I lost someone that I really loved with my whole heart. I promised to never love again, I was hoping that things would play out for Femke and I. But her parents separated us, what’s worst she deleted her Gothers.com account again, and then her twitter account. The ironic thing that astonished me the most is that, she still had me as her Skype and MSN contact. She told me on email that her parents found out about us contacting each other on MSN and Skype; how did they find out about this, who knows. My sister Sarah Anderson told me about the vision she had, and I didn’t really believe most of it, yet partial of it. The next day I woke up to log onto my laptop, I found out that Femke left a message saying “Goodbye,” I was wondering why she never was online the whole time. After read her last words into my eyes, I began to fill hurt and began to feel sad. So as I am telling you this in my new novel, I was crying my eyes out today as we speak. It was so painful to me; I can imagine how much Femke is taking it. I am going to stay single for now on, people continue to say, “Just give it a chance,” or enlighten me on an issue that happen to them. Nevertheless, I promised myself this if Femke ever left me, no one could love me like she would. Although it’s going to take a miracle to talk to her one last time, I feel that if I had a chance to chat with Femke one more time, could make a difference; even though there is a slim chance that there would be nothing I could do afterwards. Clearly, I feel that I have something to say rather if it’s my last words, or just to talk to her. I really miss Femke a lot, whatever happen during the times that we stopped talking, I truly understand why in her case. Her friends never could understand certain things, and obviously her parents never experienced a long-distance relationship before. It seems that every time I fall for someone I really love, something bad always happens to me. I do not think that she will ever get on MSN or Skype anymore, she might be grounded.
I was talking to another friend, her name is Sarah Anderson, and I think she’s about 15 years old. Her father died when she was a kid, and as for her mother, lefts just say she is not acting like a mother should be about the way of doing things. Sarah and I met on Gothers.com as well, she told me about her pass life. By the looks of she told me, it was not very pleasant. She had to do so much on her own, that it’s so ridiculous. Sometimes Sarah can exaggerate even though she won’t admit her mishaps a lot of times. Like the other night, Sarah and I were talking about (mostly her) talks about how she’s relate to every single person such as actors, artists and other things. Half of the time, I concluded that she was letting in heritage go to her head and pride full about how many people in high places she is related to. Needless to say, has a big thing with the movie called “Titanic.” It was kind of neat and all, during the moment that she was explaining to me about how she want her boyfriend Erick and her romantic trip together, I asked her a simple question as to rather or not was she related to anyone that plays in a movie called Mortal Combat 1 and 2. She looked at me crazy, and told me that it was not a movie and it was only just a video game; that goes to show you about some people that thing they are what in this society are known as “A big shot.” She also told me about someone, from the history books that I’ve never heard of or known. The thing that got me is the fact is, she thinks just because I do not know a lot of things (Including things that I shouldn’t know) are a big problem for her. Last, the fact that I go to college which I should know about it. At the point, I was tired and out of it, so I couldn’t put her in her place at the time. It’s a shame that she is related and seems like she knows more then what she’s accountable for, does NOT know that Mortal Combat was a movie, nevertheless a game also. Shows what she know, anyway she’s my little sister though and I love her a lot. As for me, I do not know how long I can go on living this life. I personally feel forgotten sometimes, I guess it’s a feel part of growing up. The worst case scenario is being kicked out of the house by my mother’s uncle. The most sad thing about me mother is she relies on her brother Zack to oppose to me as a threat to me. I do not like the bother of them anyway, if my grandmother had internet, I could have stayed over there instead. I do not feel comfortable living this life of blackness and torment. I can apply for my own place to stay, but the pain will never go away for me. My mother is not going to be around forever, so I do not plan on seeing anymore anytime soon. I am upset about that the fact that my ex-girlfriends parents got in the way of us everything. My mother does not understand me or what I am going through at all, she is too caught up on giving me advices like she cares. But realistically, she doesn’t and neither does my grandmother, and don’t even get me started with my aunty; she treats me like a stranger every time I come to her house. A lot of times, I do not feel like I am her nephew anymore. Along the way, I got on Gothers.com and spotted that Marie sent me a message saying that we could date, but she wanted to get to know me first. To be frankly honest, I do not thing that her and I would work out as much, considering the way she treated Jew-frow. My heart was still with Femke, I love her so much even though we are not together, she will always have a throne in my heart forever. I hope that looks above all on the circumstances of her parents finding out about us the same way. One thing for sure, I know that she will never forget me, I just hope that I could at lease talk to her one last time. Let her know how worried and how much I miss her. Femke is way better than my other Ex Kelsey Jones, Kelsey never spent time with me, and all she did was role play with her friends. Even after her and I broke up, I even tried to be friends with her, but she acted like a stranger towards me. Sammy her friend deleted me from Skype, I sent her several messages on Facebook, but she ignored me the same way. So friend they turn out to be, oh well, Femke has been everything I ever wanted in a person. Sure, she and I have our ups and downs but, every day when she got home from school, she got straight online to talk to me. If something came up, she left me an email letting me know what was going on. Even when her friends and parents started to act crazy on us, she still hung in there as long as she could. She never cheated on me, nor mistreated me. She always spent time with me all day and night. She was better than, all of the other girls that I’ve ever dated. And I mean this with my whole heart. So that’s my reason for giving up on love, I know without a doubt, that no one will love me like me like Femke will, and as long as I live until the day I die, I will always love her and remember the good times we both shared. Speaking of that, everyday even at this moment, I think about her beautiful smiles and her lovely cheeks. I love everything about her a lot; no other girl will treat me right like she will.
And now, as I move on to another path, my heart and body will always belong to the only one I love so dearly---Femke. If I have to stay singled for the rest of my life, then so be it I will. As far as I am concerned, all of the other girls out there that people call “Fishes in the sea” are nothing be want be type of girls that are looking for someone to love them but not. As for my concern, all of them are fakes to me. I feel that Femke is everything I want in a person; Why? I will tell you why, one thing for sure Femke and I did not just meet each other on purpose, when we first met, we had our own problems but we loved each other very much. Femke given me a chance that I never thought I was ever going to have. I am fully not only committed but fully willing to do any it takes to take care of her and to make her happy. I will never go back on my word. When I say something I put my life on it. I wish I could talk to her parents at least once to let them know about me, and how much I love her so much. Perhaps that would solve things.
*signs* Once again, my summer semester off from college, has not been going to well for me. After all I had experienced and went through; I feel that I can start a new life and a new beginning. I decided to stay singled for the rest of my life. I know that sounds crazy, but to me I feel much happier this way. I know that somewhere out there, I am not the only one to suffer the fate of a lot of bad relationships. Having someone to talk to is always a better thing to do in a time of need, I will always love Femke with my whole heart; I hope that she will never forget about me. I hope and pray that, she will always remember me forever. As I too will forever remember her as well, as a place in my heart that can never be erased. She has proven to be the best girlfriend to that ever walked on the face of the earth to me; I won’t find anyone as loving and beautiful as her, my heart of love juice pores out for her every day. I feel that if there was some way I could not only talk to her parents, but to show them how accountable and how much I love her, then maybe things will turn around for me and Femke. I feel that I can pull it off, by taking my last chance of trying. If this ever happens I planned to but my whole being into it even if I have to die trying. I will not ever give on Femke, I wonder if she feels the same way as well. Maybe not, deep down, I know she does love me still. My love for her will never change no matter what. Later on I had another friend online to talk to her for me, his name was Justin. We met on a social site called gothers.com, he was a nice guy. I asked him if he could talk to me in his own words, I just wanted to see if she was ok. Well? He began to talk to her, and can’t you believe it? She actually called me a pedophile, after Femke and I were talking about the age difference in the first place. I tried to make a backup plan to prevent her parents from finding out, so anyway, after he told me that what she said, I was totally not only shocked, but it really hurt me that she would, say something like that. It was like the good times and everything we shared, meant nothing to her. I felt forgotten, what made more of an impact, was her parent does not know who I am personally, and they’re already saying things to her, that’s not true. One of the most things that she said to Justin was this, “There nice but…..never again will I date a person like him.” After hearing that coming from her, I was hurt. I felt that, she didn’t care anymore; I was hoping that she would understand, and know that I was good to her. Needless to say, she allowed her parents to speak false things about me, her parent do not know about me personally but Femke my ex-girlfriend does.
I am glad to know overall that, she’s doing ok. I can relate that, a lot of girls are not who they say they are themselves. Most people point the other way instead of understanding things in a certain way. Oh well, I did treated her right, and it really hurt me that her parents found the book that she was writing in. I guess if they’ve never found it, in the first place, then we would have still been together. To be honest, I really miss her a lot; I hope to hear from her again soon. For some reason, maybe deep inside her heart, she’s thinking about me; even though we no longer talk to each other anymore, for the time being. I will never forget her, she means a lot to me no matter what. Hopefully I can see her after 5 years in person, maybe though, no guarantees though if I can. I hope that everything turns around for her, and that she’s not longer stressed out anymore. I really hate it that we cannot at lease stay in contact anymore, that really hurt me. Her parents do not realize that, she loves me and so do I, parents are and can be a burden at times in distance relationships. Otherwise mostly, it’s usually friends or school mates in school that are causing the trouble. I started to talk to “Merre” on Gothers.com. I told her that I was singled, she was shocked, and then she wanted to go out with me. I told her that I do not want to get into no relationships anymore, due to the fact that, I am tired of being hurt over and over again. So after that, I guess you can say that, I gave it another shot with her. So she started to move a little too fast with me, about a day later, I she told me that some guy dumped her. I was not really hurt, or shocked. Well at least a little bit though, she told me she was dating him since the 28 of May. After that she told me that, she felt that I was being unserious of her. So I told her to just find someone to make you happy, and to leave me out of it basically. After that she got offline. Finally, I went on to my Gothers account, and deleted her as a friend. Because she cheated on me with another guy, once again it’s another cheating/ girl problems behind every mask. I learned my lesson, many individuals of a young age do not understand how the real world works, yet only a fewer of those that have been kicked out and made a living at a young age have. There’s one person that I talk to daily, her name is Sarah Anderson. She and I met on Gothers as well. Now before I go on telling you the rest of the story, Gothers.com is a good website, and a lot of interesting people to chat with. Including the once that do not know you at all will talk to you and will say at lease “Hey” to you and stuff. Gothers to the society are known as a gothic site, but realistically, it’s just a mellow site to hang out. I would recommend to those that are interested.
Chapter 41 Behind closed doors
During the conversation that my mother and I had, she was reminding me basically about, leaving a note to let I guess her know that I went out for a walk. Well, I do not think it mattered anymore due to the fact I am going to be kicked out soon. The thing that got me by a shocked was she told me she did not know what I was going through, and she wanted to know what was wrong with me. I thought this through for a second; I only gave her bits and pieces, because I did not feel comfortable talking to her anymore. For the most part, I even more under a lot of depression. Would you feel comfortable talking to you mum when she calls and talks to someone that is intimidating, and would probably rip you apart? I digress. I do not tell my mother things, because, not only do I not trust her anymore. She’s not being such a good friend to me at all, and I feel like I am just a stranger living here. My purpose of finding a place to work is to make enough to leave this country after high school. I told my mother similar to this, and she began to tell me things to prevent me to sort of speaking as She do not think I can do it, or that its way out of my league; however, she has never travel out of state before. I decided to not allow anyone to tell me what I can or cannot do in life. Needless to say, she may know some things about it, but all she can do is sit and talk to me about stuff, the same stuff. It really gets old, for me; it makes me feel depressed and not very happy at all. No wonder a lot of young students such as me choose to move out to college, I can now understand the cause of it. As for me right now, I feel a shame if being 22 years old living with my mother. The reason is, I feel like I am a stranger here. I understand why a lot of students want to move out so quickly in life, than others. I am still trying to get Joe which is my step dad to continue taking me out for a drive, lately he has been very busy with work, and usually in the evenings he takes me out. The way things are now, I do not think I will be able to get my license any time soon. The thing that worries me so is, if I am going to apply for a job, how am I going to get there and back? Especially for school and back, the only main thing for me is the time management for me and my school work; I feel that my education and future is more important than for me getting a job. I feel forced to put more on my plate than I can handle, because of the fact that it’s like a “Man up” sort of thing. It did not indicate for a man to act super human, however the world thinks that way. In my opinion I do not like the way the world things, a lot of people are racists, by using words such as, “Black guy,” “White guy,” and so on. I was on Skype, talking with a friend name Sarah Anderson; her mother had company over last week. During the time that, Sarah and I were talking, Sarah began to say, “I am talking to some black guy,” I was not really offended, I just hate racists, and at first I concluded her as one. Mainly for me I usually just stay away from a lot of people, because of their racists’ demise. The other day, I was speaking with a guy name Justin Emo on Gothers.com rather from to be sufficed, on Facebook. He told me I a reply on the messenger, “DUDE YOU’RE A BLACK PERSON!” I replied saying “Huh?” And he told me he just now figured it out, which is he probably looked on my photos. I told him that I was and so? And he said it was awesome and stuff. The kind of reaction he had was a type of reaction, that he never seen or ever talked to an African American person before. It was kind of weird, I did not understand why does the color of the skin of a person mattered or, what he or she looked like mattered. Anyway, said that I looked as though I am about 19 years old in the picture, most people would look at it and say, I look like I am 17 or 18. Either it didn’t matter to me though, I do not like racists people; needless to say, there’re many types of racists in the world. Now before I get started with explaining to you about the different types of racists people, let me a sure you that, what I am about to tell you is the things even the smallest things that a lot of people attend to not look for when approaching these kinds of racists people.
Now then, the first type of racist’s people is the religious Christian want to be types. These types, are the kinds that are the main reason why most people do not like associating with certain people that are Christians, these types attend to get dramatic about other people that they meet. The main thing is they look at his or her background, and if it’s not to his or her interests, they consider those types a bad influence. Most people are not very outgoing or very nice, most likely the skin color would matter as well. The only main thing you have to keep in mind is to know that, a lot of people are not who he or she say they are, and they could be thinking bad things about you. Usually his or her attitudes are the most, alert to tell what conclusions that others would jump too. Rest a sure that, not all Christians are religious like, fewer of them are really real Christians, you just have the find the right REAL Christians out there. To associate with and not the Fraud ones.
The second types of Racists in the world are, procrastinating Racists. A lot yet some often you see are usually one of the ones that CAN be the stereotypes as well. These kinds of racist’s people attend to act like they can be nice and around the same time, causes another different reaction towards others, such as friends, family visitors and etc. Now these types of people are really nice at times, they can become a total different person, and yet friendly. Nevertheless he or she are not careful about what they say about a person, they do certain things and say offensive things to please his or her friends. Usually, that can cause problems towards others that are less unfortunate than other people. Some people of this category are very somewhat ruthless and have very little less compassion than an average person does. Family members attend to say such words as well, and other people thing that saying “This black guy,” or “This Alabama white or black guy,” is consider an insult to others, the African Americans are mainly the racists that are very arrogant in saying such words. Most of them do not share or have a polite way of talking to other people, or even ask for his or her name. So they refer to the terms of “Black guy” or “Some white guy,” are not only a disgrace to the English language or speaking, but also ARE considered a person using racist’s words. A lot of people conclude that it’s not considered racists by using racial words, but it’s considered a racist word.
The fourth types of racists in the world are called, Red neck/ ghetto slang racists. These types are very low compassionate about anything, consequently, they rather give other people strange nickname words. For example, yellow boy, catfish, s**t-bag, poke-dot, Tokyo, blank man, and so on. Now unlike these words most people would just holler out to someone accusing them of rapists and other random words. Unlike the ghetto slang racist’s people; they attend to stand out just as the same amount as the Red necks do. Many individuals do not use proper grammar right, or know how to speak to other people the polite way. There’re some others that are hot-tempered headed people, which prefer to use strong language and strong reaction situations to get what he or she wants. In addition, both of these types of racists people Are not accountable in respecting other people and what other people are. Not even the least bothered of the disrespect that he or she displays towards another person.
Finally, the final types of racist’s person in the world are called, over protective discriminative people. These types of people are not very well social towards other people. When it comes to their daughters sort of speak, the more over protective the more likely a slim chance that, his or her daughter’s will go his or her own way. The ironic thing is, it really sucks, that his or her parents tells him or her about someone and him or her choose to believe all of the things that, his or her parents say, knowing that it’s not true at all. The thing is with a lot of kids, they instantly believe other people as well, and what he or she says, even though, they really do not know the person personally like he or she does. More importantly, most people are raised to only support on other things that his or her parents assume that’s right for them, instead of allowing their children to choose for his or herself. In distance relationships, a lot more pressure is where it comes down to when little knowing that, his or her parents do not or never had a long distance relationship before in his or her earlier day and time, before the 21st century. What I mainly hate about these types of people is not only that they’re racists, but accusing their child about a person that they know online and know well enough, is considered racism. Which is promotes the child to instantly take sides with his or her parents, and run with it. A lot of parents do not know half of the time to talk to his or her child, instead they would rather make insults about a person that their sons or daughters like a lot, or the choices that they choose to make in life. So these are some of the people you may want to keep away from, and not such a wise choice of action to take, unless if he or she refuses to never give in to what their parents say about them. So be warned to stay away from those types of people, with all costs.
Now you know the different types of racist people. Just because either if he or she does not say it directly, or sometimes do not show it; a lot of things can be known by people’s way of doing things, and by the way he or she is treated by others as well. Clearly, these are only just a few of the types of racists, yet there’re a lot more and possibly could and can be many more of them. I only wanted to point out the deep pacific ones to look out for, the only way you can actually tell. Is to watch them, and simply get to know about them, for some of them, you may tell automatically how he or she is being r treating by others. The most effective way of telling is to see how his or her parents live, and what his or her parent’s ways of what is they do, and how they react towards certain people. The wisest thing to do is to stay away from these types of racists people at all cost. If you continue to hang around them, then his or her negative influences will rub off on you and make you become just as they are. When this happens, the only chance you have is to, cleanse yourself. To do that, you must STAY----AWAY-----FROM those types of racists at all cost no matter what. And about 5 years from now, you will understand why and you will be very thrilled that you did.
After coming home from church, I began to feel depressed and down. I felt as though I’ve lost a dear friend or something, I realized that this feeling was based on my ex-girlfriend Femke. I really miss her so much. I did not just meet her on purpose, she was everything to me that, I ever wanted in a person. And now that she and I are not communicating anymore, all I have that’s left is, all of the good times that we shared together. This has been on my heart, so I just wanted to spill this one out in this particular chapter. It’s hard to love when one you truly love has left you in the dark, alone and cold, harmless and kind hearted. As I began to think a long in my gloomy moments, I realized that, my mother does not have much time to live left. She will no longer be around anymore, more on top of losing the girl of my dreams is very difficult for me to digest. Every day I thought about Femke, and all of the good times we had, there was never a day where I never thought about her. I felt that a lot of people accuse me and overlook me for someone else that they have been exposed to, instead of seeing me for who I am. I hope to talk to Femke once again; I really miss her so much. No one will love me like she will, she’s always there for me, no matter how things got or the hardships, and she were there for me. She will and always will be a person that I ever wanted in her. I hope to get to talk to her when she gets older, otherwise if I do not, I will never love again. My soul long for her no matter what, I wonder if she’s thinking about me right now. After the fact that her parents said some things about me that was not true, what was the last thing on her mind? Well she always has a special place for me in her heart? I hope so that she does.
Femke deleted her Facebook account, I do not understand why. I miss her a lot; I hope that I get to talk to her one day when she’s older. The other night, I was thinking to myself that, the only reason all of this is happening to her, is because of the age difference. I hope that her parents do not act this way with her when she does get older, if that ever happens, then it will be a problem in the long run. I wrote her a letter just basically saying that, I miss her and I hope to chat with her again when she gets older. I had a dream the other night about, how I went to Holland and saw Femke working at a grocery-like restaurant place, when I went to order something, I saw her and I thought that she was maybe someone else that looked like her. As she was asking me for my order, I looked at her carefully. In my heart and mind I thought, could this be the same person that I used to chat with on Skype and MSN? No it can’t be it. But then a strange feeling came up on me to ask her what was her name. I asked her in my dream of her name she told me it was Femke, I asked her for her last name and it was just as I thought----it was her!. I could not believe it to be true, I handed her a piece of paper and told her to give me a call when she gets off work. So after I finished eating, I left with a tip lying across the table. As I was heading out the door of the restaurant, I looked back and saw her working around the clock taking orders. Before she left, after taking my order about a minute ago, she looked at me strange. It was a look of “Do I know you?” Kind of look, she wanted to say something, but before she left I told her that I will answer any questions that she has of me and in other things, after she get off work. I kept looking at her, and she saw me and kept going to the back to prepare for the orders for other costumers. So I turned around and left, about an hour later I received a call from my cell phone, it was a strange number. I picked it up and answered it and it was the person from the restaurant, she told me that I wanted to call her. So I told her if it was ok if her and I met somewhere, so we decided to meet up at the place that I once saw her at, after we seen each other, I was very thrilled. We talked for a bit, and we both discovered one another, she was shocked and ran off. I tried to stop her and pleaded to her that I only wanted to talk, so she decided to stay and give me a limited of time to talk. So after talking to her, I do not understand or know how I did it, but I got through to her and she understood. I showed her how much I loved her, I wanted to hug her and hold her, but I couldn’t. The reason was because, I didn’t think she would want me to touch her, so after she saw the truth in me, we hugged each other. I hugged her like never before; I was so happy that my heart rejoiced dearly to hers. After that I woke up from it.
The purpose of me explaining to you about the dream was to show my expression to her. Hopefully when she gets older there can be another chance between me and her. I really look forward to that, if her parents allowed her to talk to me again, I know without a doubt that she would be very thrilled and happy. She told me once that she did not want to hurt her parents, and I deeply understood that. I wanted to wait until she was older enough so that I could, talk to her again. I really miss her so much. I hope that she feels the same way about me as well, she was the only person that really loved me even in hardships and good times, and through times that were not at its best.
Chapter 42 Hidden closure
I finally had a chance to go with my mother and the rest of the family, to Florida. We were all going to Orlando Florida to the Universal Studios. I was really hoping to go to Disney; however perhaps another time when I finish school I can go there, for a little celebration for graduating. Anyway, it took us about 7 hours and 45 minutes to get here, but we made it. When we first got back, we all had to get settled in and unpack our clothes and for other things as well. The next day Joe my sister and her friend and me, when on a bus to The Universal Studios; after we arrived there, we were early and began to walk and discover the place. We kept walking and stopped at the ticket booth, we had to get the employees to scan our tickets, before we went in. The first ride that my sister and Joe got on was the roller coast ride, after that it was the Revenge of the mummy. Now, this ride was the ride I took twice. It was Awesome otherwise, and last we went to rest up for a while.
The Mummy’s revenge was a pretty good roller coaster, even though at the time, I never knew that it was until I actually found out. As I was riding in the roller coaster, around everything, there were monster with mummified body’s that popped out as the flaming fire rouse out of proportion. And then suddenly, we started to go really fast, and then stopped instantly. The mummy on the screen was talking and then, the cart itself went in reverse really fast. It started move backwards really fast. And then stopped in another room, for a second it was dark. And then fire started to rise up from the ceiling like a mirror of fire in HD on a television. And then fire began to burst up in both sides left and right at the same time.
After riding it for the very first time, I didn’t think I wanted to get back on it again. But then, I was an idiot and took another ride again. After that, I was finished. During the first time riding, my sister’s friend Marika began to hold on to me during the whole entire ride. So we rode it for the second time and then, I want to do a Television survey, and got paid for doing it; the pay was $15.00. After that, I and Joe decided to wait for my mother to come, and I told Joe that I was going to look around for a bit. Then I was going to come back after that, so I left. I was headed to the arcade room, while on my way there; I sat in the shade while a band of some sort was playing. I was playing on my PSP (play station portable), and then off I went to the arcade room. I met this old lady that I was talking to randomly there, and so I spent 5.00 on the token money machine and got about 12 tokens, finally, I started to play with the machine that lets you pick a high price for winning. Apparently, I failed to win the Nintendo DSI so I went to see, if I could win a ps3 and I almost had it, but lost it. After that I stopped and went for the other places to win things. Like the one where you toss a ring and if you get about two of them on the bottle you get a giant teddy bear. Well, I wanted this giant bowling pin; it was so cute. I tried the ball toss the ball in the bucket, the ball bounced out of the bucket. I used up all of my money to try and win the big bowling pin, but consequently, I couldn’t win one sadly.
The next day, my family and I went to the Holy land experience. I had a great time, I took Holy Communion and got a chance to take a picture with different bible characters, I got really excited when I took one with some that dressed up like Jesus and alone with the family EEEKK That makes me so happy. Anyway, after I ate a huge turkey drumstick; it was really good. Finally, we went to the mall in Orlando Florida. Clearly I thought that my family and I were going to stick together, but they disappeared so quickly. Me personally, I was so busy starring at all the cute sexy girls there; believe me Florida has some of the cutest sexiest girls. My aim is the Asian girls I love Asian girls, and ever since I was about 15 years old. Those are the kind of girls I go for, no hard feelings. Nevertheless I love everyone in general. Anyway, I was staring at every girl that was attractive to me. As me and my step dad Joe were walking around looking for my mother and the others, I looked to my right and I saw a girl just standing there with her arms folded. I saw the expression on her face, it seemed as though she was upset about something. I started to go back to chat with her, but it was too late I had to go by that time. She was beautiful girl; someone such as her shouldn’t be sitting there upset. So on, I began to think about the little boy that was sitting at the bus parking place outside of the Universal Studios. I started to go and talk to him, however I was too late, and pretty much shy as well. And you know how that goes when you have a random person pops up and starts talking to you, it would seem weird to them. Just like the girl I saw at the mall in Florida today, I wanted to go talk to her and to just see what was going on. Also a person to her that she can talk to, I was a bit shy to talk to her. More importantly, I was assuming that she might just walk away or yell at me. So I did not say anything, the only thing I could do at this point was to look at her and admire how pretty she was. After walking around at the mall, I began to feel tired and sleepy. Suddenly I was feeling down and depressed a little. I thought about Femke and how much I miss talking to her every day like we used to. I hope to talk to her again, pretty much she would forget about me.
I woke up this morning and logged on to my computer. I spoke to Justin; he’s the only person that I can chat with when there’s no one else to chat with. Him and I were talking, I was mainly trying to learn the Dutch (Netherland) language. Unfortunately, I am still learning still. I was using the translator, to learn faster, so I could speak it better. I have been using it the entire time while Justin and I were talking on Facebook and stuff, Nevertheless, that’s how I was learning to speak it. And it’s actually working to then this particular time, Justin told me to stop using the Translator to speak it. I lied to him and told him that I was multi-tasking; however, I didn’t think he would be very understandable enough to see that at least I am trying my best to learn, my conclusion is he’s either busy or just having a hectic moment. I want give up, I will have to go and by a software to teach me how. I am REALLY trying to learn it and I want give up until I am able to speak it fluently. Lately, I am trying to do better; I was on the computer all night last night talking with a few people. Finally my mother and my sister and her friend got back, my mother brought an Orlando t-shirt that’s in Black too SWEEEET!!! Anyway she whispered in my ear about how my sister Jennifer told her that, I told my grandmother on the phone about how I wish I never came with my mother and the family to Orlando Florida, or however that she told her about it. I began to have a confused look on my face; I did not ever recall saying that to my grandmother. Ever since I been on this trip, my sister has been acting kind of weird with her attitude lately. I can’t stand her anyway, sometimes I wish I can switch and choose another sister that’s NOT arrogant, aggressive or being just plan restarted and such a “Smart a*s.” Which yes that’s how my sister is, she can be nice when she wants to be. Nevertheless I do not like her at all anyway; I even stay away from her. I was hoping that I would meet some new friends during my time of having a great time; however, I did not have a chance to meet with anyone, not even with a nice sexy girl. Or someone that likes anime and is going to the same field as I am, I even went to the holy land experience excited to meet some interesting people to be friends with, but I had no luck at all. Maybe I should open myself up a little more; however, even I know how weird it’s to have someone random pop up and talking to you out of nowhere, most people would think it’s weird. The other night, I overheard my sister and her friend Marika were talking about how when they approach someone today new people, they did not have a strange reaction that you would get, if you were random talking to someone out of nowhere that he or she would barely know. So today, I think I may give it a try. I am going to put this to the test to see, if it works or not. If they did it then it can be certainly possible for me as well. Needless to say, my chances are virtually zero of making a friend or finding someone special.
By next week, my family and I are going back to the Universal Studios again. So hopefully by then I can go and walk around and so on. I wish I had a cell phone though, and then by Tuesday we will be leaving back home. I really wish that this could last forever you know? I love it here in Florida, lots of places to go to and it’s so much fun here in Florida as well. And who knows it could be more job opportunities here as well. When I finish at Shelton State, I will be coming here to Florida to live here. And then take a flight to Japan, once I go to Japan I am not coming back to the United States ever and I mean it.
So on we finally got back from Florida. As I was enjoying the ride, I began to listen to some sad music. I felt that I was going back to the same life style in the State of Alabama. I really hated here in Alabama. A lot of people say that American is such a decent nice place to live, on some many levels and terms, it’s not really a nice place to live to me at all. So I finally got on Skype to talk to my friend Sarah Anderson. She’s like a sister to me for those of you that do not know her, her and I met on Gothers.com. Anyway, I was talking with her and I was talking to her about my personality profile that I made on a site called eharmony.com, I created one to see what kind of matches that I was going to get. After I finished the questionnaire on it, I did not receive any matches at all. Nevertheless I did create a good personality profile, so I wanted her to read it. I sent her a link and she couldn’t read it unless if she was a member of eharmony.com website. Suddenly Sarah and I were talking, and she began to bad influential stuff about, telling me that I need to get laid, and telling me that I need a hooker and go get a cheap hotel. I told her that I do not messing around like other people do, so? She began to take that the wrong way and said that she do not have sex with random people, and she is not a dude to what she uses a term called, “Beating your meat” and she called me a word called “Dumbass.” Now, I never said that she messes around or have sex with other people; I just simply said that I do not do what other people do in messing around. Sarah Anderson is a type of person that she says things anything to people in any kind of way, and when another person says something back to her, she gets easily upset. Finally she will use strong language towards a person using language such as, “Piece of s**t” A*****e” and the list goes on. At any case, at this point, I felt no liking to talk to her anymore. And one time I was talking to her about how I was feeling down about certain things, and she didn’t seem to consider me or other people’s needs. Some girls in relationships they seem to care about his or her soul mates, and they have they tend to only think of themselves talking about how much they love his or her girlfriend or boyfriend, and how they are going to see this person and that person, it really makes me sick when people do that. And then when doesn’t work right, they want to become suicidal about it. Girls and guys are more than likely through his or her life away all because of one person, and being obsessed with him or her. As for Sarah, she tends to get awkward every time I tell her certain things. I guess on the flip side she’s ok for starters, just not using good influence at times.
During the times that, I was at home, my mother was talking to me about, how Joe is not acting right and being stubborn. I said a fewer things on my end of view but, other than I just listen to her talk about it during the night. I went out for a drive and came back, my mother told me not to talk to him about anything anymore. My thing is, out of all of the times that, I went to Joe asking him about driving. He should consider the fact that out of all of the times that I’ve asked him and the MANY times we went out for a drive; he should acknowledge the fact of asking me to drive instead. My life really does sucks at times on so many levels; I wish I could get my license much. The next day I woke up around 9:15 AM, my mother came in with some breakfast from chicken filet. After I finished eating, I went out of my room into the kitchen and spotted my Mothers brother Zack. Remember when I told you about him in my previous novels? Well? I went up to him to say simply hello. The first thing he asked me was, “Found a Job yet?” I was trying to tell him that, I filled out a lot of applications and still waiting for feedback. He cut me off and asked me the same question, which it really pisses me off when people cut me off when you’re trying to talk to them. Me personally I despise people that do that with a passion, I never consider Zack as an Uncle but an enemy as the world is. I own him no explanation, if he ever does kick me out of my mother’s house, then I will not come back. For as long as I live, and I will never consider that I ever had a mother at all. The problem is about staying at home, I do not feel safe. My mother doesn’t really care about me sometimes, nevertheless I do not feel cared for at all. I sometimes feel that, I only exist in this tragic world only to be pushed around by others and intimidated on, with no mortal being to help me. I am glad that Jesus still and always loves me; he has been there for me when no one has. Not even my mother. One thing I do know is, my mother existed here in order for me to be something me than a grocery worker or a stupid Mc Donald burger person. Otherwise no one is going to care about me except my heavenly father in heaven in who I serve. Call me crazy or whatever you say, but I strongly believe in the Lord Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior, my will in him is stronger than ever. He’s way bigger than any problem than any circumstances in life. In him my trust will last forever, and it will never go in vain.
Right then and now, I seek for more power and knowledge. Inside I feel wrath and strong on with no holding back, as I said before, if I get kicked out of this house which is my mother’s house. The outcome of it would be, I will never talk to my mother or come back again for as long as I live. As for me I will figure something out, even if it cost my life in trying. I want be sitting here forever, like this, I know that I will be successful sooner or later. I just have to try harder, and I will make it. My hard work will pay off in the future and I will be so glad that it was worth it all. Finally, I am ready to go back to school and work harder like no other. I will have to use my recommendations to carry on through my hardships and so on.
Have you ever tried to talk to a person that is like a sister or a friend to you about you bad relationships, and all he or she can do is talk about how much he or she loves their soul mates? And then you began to feel at that point, while he or she are constantly talking about it, makes you feel like they’re rubbing it into your faces. More like being selfish of themselves and are not considered of others that are lonely and need someone in his or her lives as well? Here’s another question. Have you ever tried to talk to someone as I said before a sister of a close somewhat friend, about your personality profile or something. He or she tells you randomly that, you need to get laid, or to go get a hooker and a cheap hotel and have sex with him or her. Nevertheless they think that being a virgin for so long is a bad thing to them because they do not consider in staying pure for marriage. So they would rather waste his or her blood out on the streets to other people that you may have no idea, of what he or she have as in STD’s. Have you ever had someone to randomly interrogate you like this? Here’s another one. Have you ever spoken with a friend or a sister close friend and you and he or she were joking saying perverted sexually things-like? All of a sudden the person that you joke with, are the type of person that thinks that they can just say anything to you, and how that if you say something an in particular word, they quickly jump to a conclusion and think, you’re talking about his or her soul mate? So then the best thing they can do to get offensive with you and so forth, is they use such strong profanity language such as “Piece of s**t” or “A*****e” and the list goes on. At this point, you randomly get emotional and want fight back, but then you start think about it like this, “Where do these words come from?” I know many people out on the streets use these words, but you’re thinking, as you think about that question like, “How are these words known as Curse words? What is the history of these profanity words?” And then you began to feel like you do not want to talk to that person anymore due to the fact that you feel that they aren’t such a good friend at all. Have you ever been or know a situation like that? I can tell you that for sure, that a lot of people can be retarded at times. Fewer people are the ones that at least respects others in so many ways that a lot of individuals cannot.
Thank you all for taking out the time to read my new series My Life Story Part 5. I hope that you all enjoy it dearly. And once again thank you all for you honor and support.
To be continued…….
© 2011 Nicaushio Yamaki |
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Nicaushio YamakiJapanAboutHello everyone, Anything you would like to know just ask me. more..Writing
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