A breakup

sometimes out of pressure you say out things which you never want to happen but sometimes they happen just when you say out loud out of pressure.

May be she lost the hope that we could be together but I didn't, lekin she wasn't happy with me so asked her to dump me cause I can’t walk away from her. And she did it. From the very second it happened pain had reached to its new heights. World seemed a place where I didn't belong. I was not sad cause she dumped me I was sad cause I won’t be able to hold her hand again, I won’t be able to make our manali dream a reality( we dreamt of owning a cottage in manali we called it ”mission manali” ), I won’t be able to walk with her again. I won’t be allowed in the sleepy smell cloud anymore. I won’t be able to listen to her endless talks. Whom will I call motu? I won’t be able to do anything which was making me feel alive. There I figured out that the power of a relationship lies in hand of the person who cares less. Honestly she loved me very much and I still loved her. It was the third year of my graduation. I wanted to be alone so I asked my friend to find and final a place for me near college. Funny part was he found a place which was right in front of her apartment that was in vaishali. My balcony was right in front of her balcony. I didn’t check out the place earlier my friend finalized it and I grabbed my stuff and shifted. When I reached there I was like f**k man what should I do now. I was right in front of her balcony, standing there and thinking that she will never be in that balcony again and in my life too. I was depressed but I stayed in that apartment. Only I know how much I missed her. Only I know how much I suffered alone in that apartment. Sometimes I got emotionally weak and begged her to come back in my life. But she didn’t she said it was hard for her to break up she can’t do it again and moreover she was right I was also not ready to listen those words again. After that I stopped calling her. I cut all the connections from the world. No college no friends nothing was there in my life. I don’t know why I did that but I was so sad in life and I didn’t want to world to see it. My phone had like more than 6000 thousand msges of our conversations and some letters she wrote to me. I read them all many times. I was acting stupid but I didn’t know how I should deal with this. By the way I never felt like killing myself or I became alcoholic. I just wanted my feelings to surrender in front of my brain. Anyway that’s how couple of months went. Few months later I was coming back to life. Started college again, meeting my friends going to parties with them but still internally I was dealing with the break up. After six or seven months from our break up she got into a relationship, I was informed by a common friend. I was sad and happy at the same time. Happy for her and sad for myself. There I learnt that life don’t end it moves on. Anyway I got myself involved in so many things that I was drifting away from the devdas routine. I decided that I won’t think about her and it was going okay. But she called me. Wahin gadbad ho gayi. She called me in the last week of January 2008 that she is coming to Delhi for her mba interviews and she wants to meet me. I told her that I won’t meet her and I cut the call. She came to delhi she called me again from the airport I said I won’t meet. She went to her friend’s place in gurgaon. She called me again and said she wants to meet. Kab tak rokta I took my friend’s bike and I went to meet her. When I reached there she came in front of me and I fell again for her. Her bag was in her hand and she asked can I drop her to her friend’s place in vaishali. I said yes I will. She sat on the bike. It was winter season. She grabbed my waist and put the head on my shoulder and whatever work I did on myself to come out of the breakup went in vein. Now I drove for almost half an hour. And we were at her friend’s apartment. She got down and said she wants to spend time with me. I didn’t say anything. She said she wants to go at my place I said nothing. She rode the bike and we came to my flat which was right in front of her apartment. We came up and I was like clueless what should I say. She said I don’t know what should I say I said don’t say anything about past. I asked her about the new guy. And then a phone call came and she had to leave for her friend’s place. I dropped her and came back. I went to sleep. I woke up and she asked me to pick her up. I went we came to our flat we talked a little and then we went for shopping. She was shopping I was helping her out. We came back to the flat. I took her to some nearby restaurant to eat. There we met our seniors. They saw us together they said they are happy to see us together. We both looked at each other I think we were trying to recall everything. Anyway we came back to the flat. it was a cold night she had an interview in early morning. I had only one blanket. She changed I gave the blanket to her. She said I can also share it with her. I said I am dying to but I won’t. I told her I am okay I switched off the lights and said I have a woolen bed sheet I will use it as a quilt. She went to sleep. I couldn’t I was staring at her in a dim yellow light. By the way that night was really a cold one and using a bed sheet as a blanket was a terrible idea. So sun came up, she woke up and was panicking cause her friend ditched her who was suppose to take her to the interview. I said I will take her she got ready we rode the bike. The place was 40 km from my flat. it was five in the morning and we had to reach there by seven. Khaternak dhand thi tab my hands almost froze I could feel the blood circulation in hands as if my blood was fighting the veins to flow in them. she saw my hands and said her friend will come and pick me up so I can leave and she will come to meet me in the evening. I knew she was lying about the friend. So I waited there she came out after 4 hours and found me waiting. ((important thing I wasn’t trying to win her back I was trying to spend some more time with her)). She saw me, her eyes showed a bit of waterworks. She sat on bike again grabbed me and head was on my shoulder. I was happy though I know it won’t last much long. We came back to the flat and talked little about the past. And watched a movie together and again went to sleep. I was in that bed sheet again but watching her was worth it. at morning we woke up I made breakfast. we went to the college. Walked around I was so happy even though it won’t last much long. We came back and it was the time when I have to drop her back to gurgaon cause she had a flight next morning. She was packing her bag and I was standing and watching her. When we were about to leave the flat she asked me to hug her. My dry eyes were wet again I said no. she looked towards the ground and started moving, I said wait and I hugged her. She was in my arms for almost 10 min. those ten minutes were worth all the pain I went through. I dropped her at her friends place and watched her till she got disappeared. And I came back to my lonely castle.