Her

Another of my first poems. Enjoy.

What I desire most,
Freedom from the pain,
Love that went away.

Beauty steals my breath,
Tremble at her caress,
Softly she whispers.

Surrender to her touch,
Give in to your lust,
Release your desire.

Strain against her charm,
Heart wars with mind,
Body and soul collide.

Life she has taken,
Soul she has claimed,
Death is her name.

Author's Note

Looking for some feedback, good / bad, and what I need to do to be better. Also, if anyone knows any good 'how to' books, I'd appreciate it. Thank you.

Reviews

[Windy]

Ok, first off just in case I haven't told you, I am no poet, I only know what I like or don't, so feedback you get from me comes from inside NOT from knowledge of a "True Writers" world. I can tell you a couple of people on here you could look up and send them a "read request" and they would probably be of great help to you. (I'll send you that info in a message in a sec) anyway as for the poem...Personally I understand it, (a little to well for my liking) I Really liked the last verse but to be honest I was a little confused after reading the first verse, it kind of changed paths so to speak, BUT remember that is only my opinion, I think you have something here but I think maybe you did what I tend to do so often and end up mixing what should be two separate poems into one then have to take them all apart and restart which is why I haven't posted lately! good luck and watch for the note with those names, they are both good and have both helped me greatly! ;)

[Wolfwind Words]

I like the three line stanza's it makes the piece flow nicely and allows the images to be brought across in an orderly slide show fashion.

The first stanza is a bit awkward, as it's using sentence fragments.
"What I desire most," - Try - What I desire most of all.
"Freedom from the pain," - Try - A freedom from the pain
"Love that went away." - Try - Of a love that went away.
(Just my opinion. )

Second stanza line one - Remove the comma
Line two - Either "I tremble" or "Trembling" would work better

In stanza number three, you changed points of view. Going from "ME and I" to "You and Your"
You're should pick one and stay with it, The change up adds to confusion for the reader.

I like the last stanza alot. It throws a change up in the feeling, as we now understand that it's not about love, but in fact the empty feeling of lack of love. Death and Loss of Love often work well together and you have worked the two themes into this piece nicely.

You have wonderful idea's and themes, just need to work on tweeking and peeking.

Good job, keep it up.
Aaron Maycroft

As to a self help book : "The Longman Writer's Bible" Put out by Pearson Longman Publishers.