Chapter 7

My breathing ragged, face drenched with sweat, I banged open my house door. I climbed the stairs slowly, slumped over with fatigue. Jesus, I hadn't run that much since middle school. No, wait, not even then.

 

 

I made my way down the hall sluggishly, paused, and decided to take a refreshing shower before I began my self-reflection. I peeled off my sweaty clothes and stuffed them in the hamper. Even if I was a mess, that was no excuse for dirty clothes to be scattered everywhere.

 

 

I hopped into the shower and twisted the knob. Water spurted out with a slight delay. It was ice cold, but it felt amazing. I released a loud, heavy sigh and closed my eyes, allowing the icy water to chill my skin.

 

 

The ice cold water slowly changed to a biting hot, steam billowing upwards to fill the entire bathroom. I let the heat envelop me and my thoughts flickered to Ethan's chest against mine.

 

 

My back was arching, his breathing was labored, my hands slowly stroked up his arms--

 

 

The hot water dripped down my back like molten lava, blazing a fiery trail down my back.

 

 

--legs intertwined, one of mine between both of his, feeling the full fervor of his arousal--

 

 

I shut the water off abruptly, not even bothering to soap myself down.

 

 

I snatched the towel hanging limply from its hook and rubbed my diseased body raw. This body was a curse. Not even the most rigorous cleaning would rid it of its filth.

 

 

I threw the towel on the ground in anger, letting out a strangled noise of frustration. It slapped against the tile in response and then remained still. I stared at it for a moment, resenting its ability to lay there, motionless, not even attempting to strike back.

 

 

"F**k you," I snarled at it and stalked out of the bathroom, butt naked.

 

 

-x-

 

 

Not even music could comfort me in my tortured state. I had already thrown my CD player, iPod, and radio across the room. They laid in a cluttered heap against the wall; nothing more than a picture of rejection.

 

 

It was Friday; I had ditched the last three days of school. I feared that if I even heard Ethan's name roll across someone's tongue I might lose it.

 

 

My phone was perched on the edge of my bed shelf, it's fluorescent green-blue hue stared back at me. It chirped at me, signaling a new message.

 

 

NATHAN, it read across the top.

 

 

MISSING FOR THE PAST THREE DAYS? WHAT'S UP?

 

 

I rolled over, wanting the messages to stop. I just wanted to be alone. My phone beeped at me again and I was tempted to crush it between my hands, but I needed it, no matter how much it annoyed me at that moment.

 

 

I waited just over one minute before my phone began to sing 3OH!3's Hey. I rubbed my eyes warily, sat up, and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind me. The singing stopped.

 

 

I stumbled down the stairs, stomach growling. I hadn't eaten in over twenty four hours. But I suppose I deserved that. Still, the fridge beckoned with open arms. I smoothed my hand across it's rough surface, felt it hum against my touch. I yanked at the door handle and scanned the empty shelves. There's never anything in this house, god d****t.

 

 

My next stop was the pantry, but it too was empty. I made a feral sound in the back of my throat, annoyed but too lazy to do anything about it.

 

 

The doorbell rang shrilly then.

 

 

F**k.

 

 

I padded over to the foyer, peered through the peep hole, and backed away with a snort. F**k no.

 

 

Nathan stood stiffly on the porch, tapping his foot insistently. Let me in, his eyes screamed through the peep hole.

 

 

I turned my back for a moment and took a few steps toward the stairs.

 

 

Nathan knocked loudly on the door and, after a few seconds, "OPEN THIS F*****G DOOR! RIGHT NOW JESS!"

 

 

I didn't respond but, instead, quickened my trek up the staircase. Nathan's fist beat against the door yet again, louder, sharper. Staccato heels against tile. It pierced my ears but I refused to allow myself to answer.

 

 

I reached the door to my room and turned the handle, but not before I heard a loud crack! and a stream of curses   from downstairs. I made a beeline to my bed and sat down, facing the doorway.

 

 

It took him fifteen seconds.

 

 

He panted in the doorway, one arm pressed against the wall for support. "What...in the hell...is going on?"

 

 

The corner of my lip quirked up in a half-assed smile.

 

 

He drew a hand over his face and approached my bed. He remained standing, towering over me. Probably for intimidation. And I hated to say that it was working.

 

 

"Well?" he demanded.  

 

 

I shrugged, eyes down turned. He grabbed my chin and forced me to look up.

 

 

"Don't shrug as if nothing happened. You don't miss school for three f*****g days and expect no one to notice! Especially not me!"

 

 

I debated on whether or not to shrug again. I decided against it; it would probably only result in another tongue lashing from Nathan.

 

 

He breathed out through his nose, something he only did when he was really, really irritated. He was reaching his limit.

 

 

"Talk," he commanded.

 

 

I licked my lips.

 

 

Silence.

 

 

Nathan sat down beside me and placed a hand over mine. "Look, you can talk to me. I'm always here."

 

 

I glanced up at his face, to check if he was shitting me. He looked serious, not a hint of mockery in his sculpted face.

 

 

"I...fucked up."

 

 

Nathan said nothing.

 

 

"Big time," I added.

 

 

He nodded. "What of it?"

 

 

I leaned over my knees, hand cradled in hands. "I can't take anything back. There's no reset button."

 

 

"Well, no s**t sherlock. This isn't a f*****g nintendo game," he responded harshly.

 

 

But truthfully.

 

 

"He told me he loved me," I whispered, feeling my hard shell crack.

 

 

"Ah."

 

 

More silence.

 

 

A arm slipped across my shoulders and drew me back. I leaned against his chest, glad for the heat and comfort.

 

 

"I fucked him and left. I took his virginity and left him broken, full of regret," I spit out rapidly, the words like poison in my mouth.

 

 

Nathan stroked my hair but said nothing.

 

 

"What kind of sick person does that?"

 

 

The tears began to creep back into my voice and I choked them back, not wanting to lose anymore than I had. Nathan's touch was a rhythmic pat on my back, assuring, tempting.

 

 

"It's just who you are, Jess," he finally responded after a protracted silence.

 

 

I scoffed. All of that is bullshit. I can't change. Nothing will ever change me, so why bother trying? There's only one thing I can do...

 

 

I leaned my head against Nathan's neck and murmured softly, "Will you do me a favor?"

 

 

His throat rumbled a response, vibrations ricocheted against my cheek.

 

 

I closed my eyes and pulled myself up to kiss his cheek. "Be my escape?"

 

 

Nathan nuzzled my neck, teeth nipping gently. A deep shiver coursed through my body, momentarily erasing any feelings of pain I harbored.

 

 

"Always."