Hate Apology Love Letter

A letter to my body

Dear Body,

I am sorry for all the ways I have hurt you. Again and again and again and again.

The truth is I hate you. I f*****g hate you. I haven't hated anything more than I hate you. Because you ruined my life.

You are the reason Abby said her head was the size of my thigh when I was 7. You are the reason Archie called me fat when I was 8. You are the reason I was afraid fat girls wouldn't get married when I was 10. You are the reason I was counting the calories of the shrimp at Thanksgiving when I was II. You are the reason my dad cringed when I told him my weight when I was 12. You are the reason I stopped eating breakfast when I was 13. You are the reason I stopped eating lunch when I was 14. You are the reason I started hurting myself when I was 15. You are the reason I didn't eat for five days when I was 16. You are the reason I worked out everyday on an empty stomach when I was 17. You are the reason I don't know who I am at 18 because I have spent my whole life trying to be anything but me.

You are the reason I am afraid of:

- Milk

- Bagels

- Shorts

- Swimming

- Running 

- Putting my hair up

- Going shopping 

- Getting dressed in the morning

- Frappuccinos

- French Toast 

- Normal Toast

- Skirts

- Short sleeved shirts 

- Tank tops

- Donuts

- Peanut butter

- Pasta 

- Cereal 

- Doctors

- Scales 

- Mirrors

You cursed me with stretchmarks and hairy arms and giant pores and bumps on my arms and gross acne and ginormous thighs and an ugly voice and a giant stomach and a stuffy nose and an awful side profile. 

I hate you. The earliest memory I have is hating you. I developed every thought and every synapse in my brain with so much hate for you. 

And I am so tired of it.

I am so tired of hating you. It is so exhausting to be filled with so much scorn for my own skin. Being alive is so violent when even the vessel that carries you is something you are at war with.

I want to stop apologizing for being alive. I want to stop treating my ugliness as a sin. I want to stop hearing my mom and aunts and friends and strangers and televisions talk about how much they hate their bodies too. 

I would give anything to not think about my body for a day.

Body, I am sorry. 

I am sorry for all the days I starved you and sliced you. For all the doctors that poked and prodded at you. For hearing everyday how inadequate you are. 

I am sorry for how much I have wounded you and scolded you. I know we didn't chose each other. I know its not your fault all those things happened.

I am trying really hard to not hate you. I am trying really hard to see all the amazing things you do. You take me from place to place. You help me do theatre and basketball. You help me dance and sing. You help me push myself when I need to. You help me hug people. You help me shake people's hand. You help me kiss people. You help me smile and have amazing conversations. You help me wear cool clothes and regrow my hair when I cut it too short. You have stood by me even after all the ways I have abused you.

I am sorry for subscribing to the lie that an attractive body equals a happy life. I could have never reached love through a path of hate. I was just so desperate to not feel so bad, and I took it out on you. 

Body, I still hate you a lot. A lot, a lot. I still think you are ugly and bad, and I am writing this tonight to avoid looking in the mirror and crying.

But I haven't hurt you in 7 months. And I am getting better at not starving you.

It's hard, but I am trying. Trying to be better, for you, and for me. 

Thank you for trying.

I am so sorry, and thank you for everything.

Yours,

Nadia

Reviews

[Álvaro C.]

RAW AND Amazing. Great work.

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you so much!

[Andrew John]

Oh, how many reasons for hating things. Interesting poem here, Nadia.

[nadia dmitri]

Apologies for the late reply, thank very much andrew!

[Jeyanthi]

I'm happy that I didn't hate my body too much. Undergone two c sections. So i fallen on different scale each time. I m also trying to overcome my food aversion, i don't feel like eating anything thinking about my overweight, recently. "This line : you can't reach love through the path of hate." So apt. The title is amazing.

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you for sharing your story and for such a kind review :)))

[Urza's Severed Head]

I very rarely come across something that resonates so deeply with me, it's like you took the feelings right out of me and put them into words. I can't thank you enough for sharing this.

[nadia dmitri]

I am sorry you relate to this, but I am very glad that you could find some personal meaning in this piece. Thank you for reading and your kind words. :)

[Soren]

I can feel the Vitriol and anger in this poem. It reeks with hatred. It is sad that society values external beauty over the internal. It is only when we begin to know that the outside is a shell and what is the value is inside, but we can focus on what is really important. Beauty comes from within, not without.

[nadia dmitri]

I agree Soren, thanks for your visit :)

[schlanks]

Raw vulnerability. A lifetime's worth of feelings summed up in a million tiny details never to be forgotten. It really wraps the reader up in the overwhelm of it all. Thank you for sharing. Truly powerful.

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you so so much for your thoughts and kindness

[robert harris jr]

nice poem i love this one thanks writing the truth

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you! :)

[JessyJacob]

I liked the different style of writing.
I dont know what to say.
It is one my best writing.
No one would enjoy and understand each line and word, other than you. Same for me.
My writings when i write about my man either he or myself would enjoy.

I want to keep this in my fav with your permission.

Jessy.Jacob.
I would like to make it printed on cloth and put it in frame in my home.

It is i like not that it is an apology leter but it is the feeling which you expressed over these days.

Not of intention to point out you but you forgot about soup and oats which you hate for lunch. But maybe you want to test my memory or give credit to me to tell you.

You dont need to express because people doesnt like and i know very well what it means J in your name.

I love you.
This is the best gift i received which you gVe on your birthday krishna, i know why you gave because i gave to others on my birthday. How do you remember all these??
Love you a million billion trillion trillion billion million tonn.
Its your jessy jacob.

I just got to say for love of me.

It doesnt intend anything wrong to anyone.

Thank you for sharing Nadia. It reminds me a song,
Devudu varamandisthey ne ninne korukuntale.
Rallalo isukallo rasamu mana iddari perluu kalisi chadhuvuko ...

Beautiful songs which i dedicate for you.

[nadia dmitri]

Interesting to hear that personal connection, thank you for such a kind review :)

[JessyJacob]

Do drop your review on my writings.
You are most welcome.
A beautiful thought for the day, never be late to learn or wage war as these two keep you in sustaining.

-jessy jacob

[jacob erin-cilberto]

This is so creatively constructed...what a concept!
Brilliant write, Nadia, and beauty is on the inside and that beauty is most important.
j.

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you very much, Jacob :)

[emmajoygreen]

Such a sadness here.. and although they could not as brilliantly or sincerely as you.. many girls and women would sympathise and understand you. But, dear friend, times and efforts change. Mainly of course to accept yourself but make teeny efforts to make changes. You know how and why, so won't bore your. Your poem and how adamant you are hidden within the poem, is going to spur you on to be the unique you.. and therefore in control of everything that makes that woman. Kudos on your great post and lots of luck for times to come. :)

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you so much Emma, I appreciate your kind and insightful reviews :))