Knees and Elbows

You know how people who have had brushes with death say that their life flashed before their eyes? I guess I don’t know if they actually say that, but it's something I’ve heard.

Sometimes I wonder if that is happening to me right now, and constantly. 

Sometimes it will flicker and move like lightning. Like a varicose vein forging a path for me to follow. Sometimes it's so agonizingly slow, like a locked jaw full of honey.

I used to get very excited for things, and subsequently very disappointed by things. When I was younger and my mom would be driving me to something and as we’d pull up it was like I could feel an electric surge in my knees and elbows. I would nag her to stop and let me out. It was like something took control of me, like I was on fire and getting out of the car was like diving into a swimming pool.

I miss that eagerness to live. It feels like I know everything that is going to happen now. I know I don’t, but that doesn’t make it feel any less real. 

I used to go out. Not to do anything really. Wouldn’t drink or commit crimes or kiss strangers. I’d sit with these secluded friends in someone's basement and watch a movie. That was it, every single night. I’d sit and soak in the inaction like a tired mouse in a trap. 

And then I’d drive home in a suicidal haze, praying to whoever I was idolizing that month to fix me. 

Now I stay in. I clean my room over and over and over and over. And make some money and spend some money. And plan a future I will be forced to call my own. I wear dress pants and a tension headache to work, and ask WebMD what's wrong with me every lunch break. 

Things can be better than this, right? I want to live. Like the movies about regular people or the second-hand stories I hear. I want to feel that eagerness in my knees and elbows again. I don’t want enthusiasm to be the precursor to disappointment. I am so afraid that when I die nothing will flash for me. I am so afraid of living a life that I won’t mind leaving behind. It doesn’t need to be remarkable, or lavish, or long, or adventurous. Things don’t need to be perfect, I just want them to be good. 

Reviews

[Vol]

Nadia,
I've been reading a lot of articles about the nature of consciousness, and it is a mysterious thing. The speaker in this poem I think, is closely related to the one in my own head... always looking for details in the background, the secrete ingredients of any given moment... things like 'electric knees and elbows' need a poet's insight to assess their value, inject their reader with a vaccine against missing life, 'stay in."
Tell you what, without knowing anything of your circumstances, much less if this is a philosophical exercise or autobiographical, but if you can, plant a small tree where you can watch it grow. It makes a good anchor,
Vol

[Aarti Sriram]

Are we enough of routine and gone numb and stagnant. They say life will be successful and will be beyond existential fears if we read, earned,invested and settled then we would have progressed and remain happy ,no? Are we toggling between confusion and clarity so much even after so many advances in lifestyle . Are you hinting dear that we have moved far far away from genuine experiences to a mundane living .I hear you Dmtri , life lacks significance when lived without grace and purpose . Lets wish each others days filled with exuberance, kindness and in humorous and loving company ! Really enjoyed your poetry.

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you for sharing those ideas, I appreciate your visit :))

[SkinlessFrank]

Well, who says that it is not "good" now?

[Arundass TP]

Your feelings and emotions are filled in this writing. Nicely written.

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you very much :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

I especially like the "not kiss strangers" part and the last verse.
I have had a near death experience and have seen my life flash before me...it was so fast and yet seemed to be in slow motion...very strange indeed.
Yes we always want to go back to that excitement we once felt, if we were lucky enough.
Recapture that vigor that followed us in our youth...I think it is possible.
j.

[nadia dmitri]

Thats so interesting to hear, I was not sure how common it actually was or if it was more of a media cliche. I think it is possible too. Thank you for your kind review :))

[emmajoygreen]

Thirty views and nobody understood the reasoning behind your words!!? Comes and goes time when life is just hanging by without reason, wondering, wandering and wasting time. You have said it so well, ' I am so afraid of living a life that I won’t mind leaving behind. It doesn’t need to be remarkable, or lavish, or long, or adventurous. Things don’t need to be perfect, I just want them to be good. '

So right, nadia. Life is being just that here to have and hold rather like wedded bliss: alive, an advantage not a load of nothing; waste not, want not and all those quotes! There's a glorious smile here in spite of the slightly pessimistic start. You speak and should be heard: right now and - enjoyed! Finely put words, even better future. NB - Right now!.

[nadia dmitri]

Thank you always for your very thoughtful reviews, Emma. I agree there is a sense of positivity in this, maybe just in the desire to improve instead of defeat, I do not know. I appreciate how closely you read and how kindly you speak. Thanks for the visit :)