Fireflies and Trees

January 20^th, 2010

Owen,

I’’ve decided to write yiou letter.s well, type you a leter is moer the correct term. It’s been 20 days since i lasd talked to you. I”ms orry if this is messy, i’ms drunk. Yes it’s my birthday and i’m taking time out to let my heart pour onto thees sticky keys. We are leaving in roughly twenty misnutes aso i have time to do this.; I just want to let out some emotins before i go.

I’m crying. I still don’t iunderstasnd why this is happening. Andi i bcant belive how rude you are being in this whole situation. You did it over a text, while in anothr province? That’s harsh. One year we were together Owen, one year./ That’s all it took for ome to fall in lov . there i said it. I fell IN love with yuo.

My dog died days before and you couldn’t have cared lsess. My grandma died three days afrer you left me. I lost three things within one week. I”m an absolute mess. Alcohol only numbs the pain so far and then youre spiralling down an emotional reollaercoaster of depression. I have a constant lump in my throat everyday holding back tears. I have a constant physical pain in my chest as if my heart can literally feel the pain of what they call a “broken heart”.  There a sickening feeling in the p it of my stolmach that wont go away. I’m not capable of functioning properly without you.

I;ll get you abck, you’ll come back. You’ll realize what we had was incredible, unlike any other. You’ll miss me too much. You’ll see there’s no one else out there you connect with like yuo do with me.  2009 was the best year ofm y life, all becuase of you. Owen the past 3 nuigths i haven’t slept normally. Every couple hours of t he night i wake up and sob. I can’t help it. I think about us subconscisuoely as i sleep. I can’t think of anything else BUT you. Please don’t do this for very long, i know you can handle a relationship, i KNOW you can. And the fact tht we went through all that we did, we now wknow what works, what doesn’t work and what to do so that we can be happy together. I just want to see your smile again, that smile that shows you;re happy to be with me. F**k, Owen, my love for you isn’t going anywhere, I mean that. Being with another guy, or even imagingig it, it doesn’t feel right. I only want you touching me, you’re the only guy i was ever able to trust, only one i could be myself around, only one where conversations were just a breeze, only one not jumping in my pants

You just texted me. “Happy Birthday!” That’s it/? I don’t even want to reply, you don’t deserve a reply. I gotta go. Time to wipe away my tears and try to be happy.

With love,
Willow

 

April 23^rd, 2010

Owen,

I know I shouldn’t be paying attention to things that will only allow me to dwell on your absence, but today is the twenty-third. I think this will forever be a horrible day of every month. It’s our number. January 23^rd, 2009. What a day eh? So far away. I am going to sound absurd, but the number is actually haunting me. It’s everywhere and it reminds me of you. Everything reminds me of you. I can’t stand it. The other day I was at your University for 4/20. It was jam-packed with students. The air smelt of weed and alcohol. In the midst of intoxication, I’d catch myself scanning the hundreds of faces in hopes of seeing yours and then I’d stop myself. You probably don’t ever think about running into me, why am I thinking about running into you? I shouldn’t always be wondering where you are and what you’re doing but I just can’t stop. Oh look how ridiculous I still am, I feel my eyes swelling with liquid.

I had an argument over the phone with my parents today. You can probably guess what topic it centered around. My brother being favoured? My parents not caring about me? Right. He’s getting so many things bought for him. Understandable that I’ve moved out and should be able to support myself, but I have no job, and I’m a starving student. I just want food, shoes (because I have none), and a mother whose generous enough to help me out. I cried afterwards. I had no one to talk to about it. I can’t cry to my friends about my family problems. Normally you’d be there to talk to me. You’re gone. All I have is my computer screen. I feel so depressed... You filled a void in my life. I’m back to feeling empty again. How on earth did I ever survive without you? You made me so happy. You were there when I had no one to turn to.

Must be easier for you. You have a supportive family, you always have. I grew up with no family. I still don’t have one. It was as if you filled that gap in my life �" the love and support I never had; when I finally found it from you, it was snatched away. You have a family and YOU are the one who left me. In Psychology I learned that to protect one’s self, without realizing it, you tell yourself things to justify your decision. You justify your decisions in a way that would make you feel better. In your mind, I wasn’t for you. I didn’t make you happy. You did the right thing. You’re fine without me. Am I getting your thoughts right? I must be; I haven’t heard from you since the Happy Birthday text. I just want to be happy. When will I be happy?

You know, I met a guy very similar to you in March. His name is Oliver and I called him the upgraded version of you. He played guitar like you, was very respectable like you, and he was family-oriented like you. The only reason nothing came out of it was... because of you. I’m not over you. Not even close. I’m terrified. Absolutely terrified of never being able to fall out of love with you. My heart is struggling to let you go.

With love,
Willow

July 9^th, 2010

Owen,

I love you. A year ago today was the first time I said those words to you. First time I’ve ever said those words to anyone. Unfortunately, I can’t say that those words aren’t true, because they still are. I’m counting on time to one day rid me of my feelings for you. I just wish it would hurry the hell up.

I’ve been learning to enjoy life without you. Summer has surprisingly been fun. I feel as though I have significantly improved since January. Back then I moped around all day wondering when you’d come back. It hit me, though. You aren’t coming back. Typing that out right there just hurt. Hurt, hurt, hurt. I have to ignore the hurt. I’m still emotionally vulnerable and still feel as though something as missing. Any trigger, such as a family fight, or a bad day, will send my serotonin levels dropping. I start thinking of you, envisioning myself hugging you... okay I need to stop.

Last month was your birthday. I debated months in advance whether or not to send you a Happy Birthday text. I figured it was only fair to send you one since you sent me one. However, I wasn’t looking at the situation very clearly. You shattered me. There is no need to acknowledge someone who has caused me to sink to the bottom of the ocean in sorrow and pain. You still have not made any contact with me, clearly indicating I am not wanted in your life, and that was the deciding factor. I was not giving in and falling backwards. Forwards is the only way to go. I will never contact you again.

Memories of you creep into my head sometimes. Sometimes they decide to linger over night. Dreaming of you is the worst. I dream of us together. I dream of us apart. I dream of you. I hate it. I’ll be brushing my teeth and remember brushing my teeth at your house after sleeping over. I’ll look at a tree and remember hiking with you. I’ll see a couple and instantly think of us. The worst is not the visuals that pop into my head, but the auditory memories. Things you said float around my eardrums. Lyrics to the songs you wrote me escape my mouth in melodies. I don’t think about any of these things but they just come unexpectedly, unwillingly.

Remember this month a year ago when we snuck away from my parents at my cottage and stayed the night in the motel? That very night when you called me my soul-mate? Guess I have to let that idea go. I have to let go. I know I do, and I want to. But what is stopping me?

I feel like taking a drink right now. I’m so sick of writing about you but I can’t stop. Every poem I write is about you. Excuse me while I pour a drink. At least I’ve mastered the act of holding back my tears the drunker I become. I’m doing better. I can’t wait until I’m over you.

With friendship (?)
Willow

October 12^th, 2010

Owen,

Oh the surprises of life. Each day I tell myself, these are the cards I am dealt, I need to make the best out of what I have. All summer I’ve done just that. My goal was to get over you, and I was almost certain I was reaching that point. Almost certain until the night in September when you texted me for the first time in eight and a half months. You poured your heart out to me and when I asked you about it the next day, you claimed it was the alcohol bringing out old emotions. And so I had to carry on as if I never heard from you. The fact that that impacted me so greatly, enough to cause me crying at night again, hinted at something.

My reaction to that as well as what I just found out, also hinted at something. I just found out you are seeing someone else, and you and your lady friend will be at the same party as I on Friday. When I heard the news, my heart sunk. My stomach twisted into a knot. My flesh heated my face and I felt sick. I was shaking. I’m shaking now. I’m also crying. My reactions to these things hinted at something I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise of. It hinted that I still love you. And I texted you this... I texted you saying “why the f**k do I still love you?” But I received no response. They really were stale emotions brought out by what you drank.

You broke my happy streak. I was doing exceedingly well. I realized I wasn’t supposed to wait for things to get better; I had to make them better. Part of that meant not waiting around for the day I’m happy again, but changing my perspective so that I make myself happy, so that I find happiness within myself. Events, people, they can influence how I feel, but no one and nothing has the power to decide how I feel. I can choose to think negatively, or I can choose to think positively. But when my emotions are being tossed around like a yo-yo, staying on the bright side is slightly challenging.

This summer I discovered why my family is so dysfunctional. A little hidden family secret my older cousin shared, which I had no idea about. My grandpa (the one married to my grandma who died in January), did the following: isolated my one uncle, beat up my other uncle, sexually abused my aunt, beat up my grandma, and favoured my dad = uncle living alone with schizophrenia; uncle who moved away and changed his name; lonely, depressed aunt; and a selfish, stubborn father of mine who favours his own son now. I’m still in awe. Is my life made for a story? Everything makes sense now.

Anyway, you should be thankful. Thankful you’ve never had someone you love never leave you, because not once did I ever not want you in my life. Thankful your family is normal and they care about you. Thankful you are going somewhere in life, because I can’t seem to find my place in school. Be thankful Owen, because you take so many things for granted. One of them was me.

Willow

December 22^nd, 2010

Owen,

I was weak. I was vulnerable. I was lonely. I missed you. Those were all reasons why I took you back after that party. Truthfully, although I knew I was doing the wrong thing by letting you have me again, I was... happy. My friends absolutely hated my decision but insisted that I do what makes me happy, and if that meant being with you, than they were happy for me.

You told me you love me. You told me you were serious this time. You told me the ten months without me were hell. You told me I was the one for you and you would never put me through any kind of pain like that again. Foolish of me. That little rendezvous between us lasted about two weeks. Of course you’d leave me again! Oh look, it’s a repetition of January’s break up; done over technology and you still have no reason why you’re leaving! F**k you. Hurt again.

I saw you at the beginning of this month at a bar. You hit on some girl to “rattle” me. Well congrats, Owen. You rattled me. Not exactly the best idea if you wanted me back. And you did want me back because afterward you cried on my porch as I told you I loved you but I had to let you go. You sobbed and told me it wasn’t the end. You agreed you made a mistake each time you left me. Well that’s not my fault you don’t learn from your mistakes. I can’t continue to let you walk all over me. If I’m meant to be with you, I’ll see you again in the future.

Christmas is soon. I want to say Merry Christmas because regardless of the emotional abuse you put me through, I still care about you. You were a significant part of my life. However, I always feel as though I’d be going backwards if I text you. I’d also be too hurt if I said Merry Christmas and received silence from your end. I’m not sure if I want to be hurt. Out of fear of rejection, I may not send you anything.. I’d reply if you said something. Least you could do. I’m staying in my house at school for Christmas. I’ll be alone, with no friends or family. I’ll be drunk, and probably wanting to be with the one person I love but can’t allow myself to have. Well, in case we have completely cut any further communication between us, Merry Christmas.

Here’s a scary thought. Almost two years ago now I met someone who changed my life. He was extraordinary. Life was euphoric with him and he made me feel on top of the world. Something changed in him. He always felt the need to leave me. Only wanted me when he couldn’t have me. I realize now a few things. I found happiness within you, and not myself. So that when you were taken away, so was my happiness. I discovered how to create my own light, like a firefly. They don’t depend on anyone else’s light, they use their own. As I sit here watching the strong winter winds outside, I realize something else. They don’t try to stand up against what’s hurting them. They let the fierce winds bend their branches. If they try to withstand against the wind, they’ll break. If I continue to be hurt by you, I’ll break. It’s time to let go like the trees and light up like the fireflies, as challenging and painful as that may be...

Willow

Author's Note

This is a short story written in unsent letters of what will be an actual novel, which won't be written in letters.
I tried to focus on developing the character and the relationship with her ex.