Chapter One

Dear Diary,

I found him!

I have found the one ... the perfect guy.

He's perfect.
Complete and absolute perfection.
The guy who had stolen my heart.

He has all the required or desirable elements, qualities, and characteristics; as good as it you could possible imagine; perfect. I'm saying that word too much, aren't I?

Perfect is a word that implies being flawless and complete in every way possible. The saying that no one is perfect has been ingrained in our minds for as long as we can remember but, in reality, the definition is altering for every individual. Yet, I have no doubt that in truth, the opposite is true. Perfection, the mere definition, is altering for every individual.

In my dictionary, HE is perfect.

He is the one I love.

He is utter perfection in my eyes. What else can I possibly say?

Oh, yes �" I love him so much!

He's the sort of guy that is almost impossible to find. The diamond in the rough, so rare, so pure. He's charming and tender; he's the sweetest of them all.
He is one of those guys that are extraordinarily rare to find in this world of change. He's adorable and sweet, caring and lovable. He's the kindest of them all. His coffee-brown eyes make me flutter, causes my stomach to tremble whenever I gaze into them. When he flips his auburn hair, and the sunlight catches it just right, I cannot help but smile so much my lips begin to ache. When he flips his wild brunet hair in the sun, my cheeks cramp achingly from smiling. His smile is simple and cute, but it makes me feel like the entire world is smiling.

Everyone knows perfect is just a word, nothing can be perfect, so how does he manage to be this way? His smile, it's so effortless and charming. Those so called butterflies you feel in your stomach? Mine always seem to flutter abundantly when he's around.

When I begin to enunciate his personality, the words fall short and I become speechless. He is just ... perfect. There is no other way to describe him.

How ... how is he that perfect?

What did I ever do to deserve him?

Those microscopic stars in the night sky could never compare to how bright he makes the word 'hello'; not even the blinding light of the sun could come close. I will never come to understand how he manages it, but every time I look at him, I'm able myself to fall in love with him all over again.

Every time I think of him, my mind flies away into the clouds, never coming back down. Every time I talk to him, my body breaks into a sweat attack, and my heart beats erratically, always making me so terrified that he'll notice. Surely he must hear the pounding of my heart or see the slickness of my hands whenever we're together.

He's so caring and lovable. It's impossible to enunciate his character, every time I try, I come at a complete loss for words. He is utterly impeccable, and there is no alternative way to define him.

You may be thinking, "He's just a guy, and that's that." But no. You don't know him the way I do.

He may be aware of my love for him, and he might not love me back, but I simply do not care. Nothing, not even unreciprocated feelings could change the way I feel about him. He stole my heart, and he gets to keep it.

Every single feeling he gives me, is his now. They will never go away, and they will never be given to another for I only will love him and only him.

Even writing this gives me butterflies. The thought of him sends them flying around my stomach, making me nauseous at some points but overall, it is a good feeling. One day I might have him feeling the same, but the world is unpredictable like that.

Every time I think of him I have butterflies, my mind goes on a road of its very own, propelling me into dreams of what could be, and my mouth begins to throb from the smile those thoughts spread across my face.

Occasionally, however, I become jealous when he meets with other girls. Not all girls he hangs out with gives me this feeling but the pretty ones do. The ones I know that look better than me, that are smarter than me, that are more popular than me. Those are the ones that simply make my heart drop into my stomach. Those are the ones that simply make me want to cry and run away.

But I know he is the one.

He is the one who I love with all my heart.

He is the perfect guy for me.

He is the perfect guy for anyone.

He always will be. Nothing will ever change how I feel about him. Nothing.

He may not be familiar with the concept of him being perfect, and no one he has met have been able to tell him so. That leaves him to think about this and always degrade the vision of himself because that's how the world is.

Maybe he does know, but he refuses to acknowledge the fact that maybe someone in this world can love him.

Or maybe he simply does not care what he is doing to me, the feelings he makes me feel, because he, too, is feeling the same for another. Another that is not me.

Whenever we text I'm never too far from my phone, anxiously and excitably, awaiting his response. It never takes me long to send a message back, I'm always waiting to talk to him.

I stay up all times of the day, waiting for a text or for him to notice me. Those rare times where he wants to talk at all nights of the hour, are the times I anxiously wait for. Always talking about simple things that we won't even remember when we wake up the next day.

How does he do that �" make me melt into a puddle of sweet love with just a flash of his gorgeous chocolate eyes and pearly white teeth?

Does he know that just his presence and his being makes me salivate with pure, innocent love?

I love him.

Oh, Diary - I love him so much it hurts.

He is just... ugh! I have no words to express how completely perfect he is. No words other than he is absolute perfection.

I love him.

I love him to the moon and back.

I love him as much as one should love a spouse. I love him and he completes me.

I'm just not sure he knows yet, or that he ever will.

I don't know when I started loving him, but I do know that I always will.

I will love him always, even if he never loves me, he is my forever, and I love him.

It's just so frustrating. He is such a wonderful friend, he has always been there for me. He has always been caring, protective, smart, lovable, friendly, and he has been that way since before I even knew him. I understand that I should only see him as a friend, and I realize that he will never be more than that, but I can't help loving him.

The heart wants what it wants, and you simply cannot change that even if your life depended on it.

I love him but he just doesn't know.

He's like Christmas morning, crimson fireworks and birthday wishes. Everything I can ever wish for.

I have never loved someone this much. I have never loved someone the way I do him. I love everything about him:

I love everything from his awkwardness to his eccentricities, and all the way to his insecurities. His laugh is enough to conquer the new worlds we may find in the future and when his eye shine when he is happy is enough to cure all diseases, enough to make anyone and everyone happy again.

I've noticed that he's the most himself around me, and I don't understand why. It's just another thing I love about him.

He doesn't try to fake how he sounds, or how he walks. He never tries to hide his real laugh or the imperfections on his face. He always is genuine and there's so much about him that will take a lifetime to describe about.

I don't remember when or how I fell in love with him this deeply.

No matter how much I love him though, we will never be more than friends. That knowledge gives me the most gut wrenching pain and my soul begins to hurt just thinking of the friendship that won't ever become more. We will never become more than we are, more than the friends we are.

I never loved someone that much. His awkwardness. His peculiarities. They are most open when he is with me. I don't know why. But I'll forever love him.

Friends. Just friends. A friend is a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

A friend is not someone I'm supposed to like, let alone love but the hearts want what it wants.

I wish with all the bits of my nearly broken heart, that we could be more.

Even closer than we are, even if we still continued to be just friends, I wish we would be closer.

I can't help but tell myself: not too close.

Too close will make me think and believe there is a slight chance for us to be together someday even though in my heart, I know there is never a chance. Never in the slightest, but yet I still hold onto that one in a billion chance for he is the one I love.

He is the one I need, and he is my heart. He owns my heart and I don't expect it back.

No matter how much I love him, I realize that the closer we are, the more it will hurt. The more not being his, will hurt. No matter what I do, I will always hurt. I will always yearn for him, his touch, his smile, his laugh, his everything.

However, my heart does not listen for the better and it continues to wish to be closer, closer, and closer.

Closer to him. Closer to heartbreak.

It is a whole lot confusing. My feelings scream to be revealed so that I could - might be a chance to be with him, but there seems to be an invisible line, a boundary that separates us. He is such a great friend, so caring and protective ... but is that where it ends? Will he always think of me as just a friend?

No. No, he couldn't! There has to be a way!

His disinterest in me makes me feel as if maybe love just isn't for me. Maybe he will never reciprocate my feelings. Maybe I'll die alone, an elderly, filthy hag.

But I can't stop. I can't stop dreaming. I can't stop feeling. I can't just turn off my heart and stop the feelings for him, although, I deeply wish I could.

I think of him every second, every minute, every hour of every day. Without a hint of regret or remorse. I allow him to consume me. I let him control my thoughts, my emotions, without regret or remorse. I can't get my mind off of him.

I love him.

It doesn't matter if he returns those feelings or not, even though I wish he would. Either way, I will continue to feel how I feel, there is no alternative way around it. While I'm writing this I'm already getting butterflies. He stole my heart that I willingly gave to him. He's the keeper of my heart, my one true love.

He is my first love.

I fantasize about us being together. I reminisce about our perfect and awkward moments together, to me they are all perfect. Even watching him from afar renders me mute, powerless to look elsewhere.

My smile around him is extremely awkward, my palms are always sweaty, and my eyes always seem to be capable of looking everywhere but into his eyes. I become both simultaneously cold and hot around him. I grow so nervous around him that I am hardly able to control my own limbs, my own thoughts.

He has this power over me that I simply just cannot get over. Without words, I am under his spell, his trance.

Anxiety fills me even now thinking about him.

Will he ever love me back? Or will I always be alone in my feelings?

The girl with the nearly broken heart.

The one that will love him through thick and thin.

I love him, I really do.

I love him more than I can put into words.

I love him more than anybody could ever imagine.

He is my definition of perfection.

I love him.

A lot.

He is The One.

He is the one I love.

He is the perfect guy for me.

Love,
Your Secret Lover.