Red Fever and How I Learned to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse with the use of Max Brook's Zombie Survival Guide Part 1

A Zombie EPIC in pieces

 

There it was clear as day, what may be possibly a natural gas deposit in Louisiana. The place was still a hell hole even three years after the hurricane. It was a hell hole three years before. Smoke was everywhere and the discussion of our party was being drawn down by the sound of this crazy s****y jazz music that unfortunately I was subjected to. All I want to do is get to work, something obviously foreign to all these people. Come on this hurricane happened three years ago, how long does it take them to get their act together.

This is just one thought that kept circling my mind. Yeah those dirty Cajuns don’t like jokes like that though, they have “morals”. F**k all that. I was making fun of these dirty people the entire time I was here. They are a joke. I was telling them that the theme song to the disaster should have been Led Zeppelin’s “When the Levy Breaks” or the Scorpions “Rock You Like a Hurricane”. Well I guess three years wasn’t enough time for these people to forget. Tools are all these people are, they are nothing more than tools. Seriously not like these people are actually gifted or anything so what do they have to look forward to? Am I wrong?

Yeah anyway, like I was saying this is why I am in this s**t hole town, yeah I have dubbed it Lackofsign, Louisiana. The lazy f***s didn’t even have a sign for their f*****g town, come on its not as if there was some kind of catastrophe here or anything… oh wait… never mind. Too soon.

“You know you really are an a*****e.” Jeff said.

“Really” I said as if I was really surprised.

“Yeah you really are. Can we please stay focused here and keep you off your soap box of how fucked these people were?” he said

“Were?, Jeff, look around us, this is why we are all staying in the lap of luxury tonight? Okay but maybe you are right…dick.” I muttered

“You’re an a*****e man.” He fired back

“Well at least I am not black.” Yeah I am a winner, a real fighter there for civil rights.

Here he came, in came Brian. Brian was the one financing this entire operation. He was the representative of the oil and gas company that was paying us to what seems to be contemplating suicide while we stayed here.

“After Katrina there had been a lot of thermal activity happening around the property of some Cajun family.” Brian said while he showed us a picture of the property. This place is owned by a man named Michael Caine. He lives…

“That’s a real Cajun name isn’t it chief?! Sol asked Brian

“Shut the f**k up Jeff, seriously. And don’t call me chief” Brian said chuckling

“The British actor and star of the amazing spy movie, the third Austin Powers movie? I interrupted not really paying attention

“No not the British actor and star of the amazing spy movie, the third Austin Powers movie. God I am surrounded by f*****g third world retards. And the third Austin Power’s movie was called Goldmember, read a f*****g book…dumbass.” Brian said

“Why would I read a book, when I could just watch the third Austin Powers movie.” I said

“I agree.” Jeff said and nodding in satisfaction with me.

“Why are we talking about ‘Goldmember’ anyways? I am about to make you all very wealthy men.” Brian said

Jeff started to say, “Well I personally think it is because it truly is the superior film of the third Austin Pow…”

“SHUT THE F**K UP EVERYONE.” Brian was screaming while he pulled out his hair. “How the HELL could you two come so highly recommended? F**k I have been here for two minutes in this piece of s**t town and I already need a drink. Where the f**k are we anyway?!” Brian said will taking down a double shot of Crown.

“Ummm… Lackofsign, Louisiana???” Jeff said.

“You two really seem to make suicide a better option, you know?” Brian said as he clawed away at his face.”

“Yeah we know, I kind of wished that that wasn’t the first time I have heard that before in my life. You were saying…” I said smugly

“Ok, Michael Caine’s property…”

“Uh… you mean Nigel Powers…”

“What? Oh keep quiet Jeff. And that goes the same for you Solomon. Like I was saying Michael Caine’s property has a bayou like swamp and reports of a strange natural glow has come from there. I was wondering if you and what seems to be your helpless existence would possibly be interested in possibly searching in the lights for signs of natural gas deposits. I myself will personally guareentee of a finder’s fee of 15 percent if what I think is there is, and if not I will pay each of your men 20 large for your time. Do we have a deal?” Brian offered us this

“I just have one question.” Jeff asked

“Yes, what is it Mr. Bennet?”

Jeff replied, “Do we at any time get to meet Nigel Powers?”

“We have a deal, Mr. Kaufman.” I said

Author's Note

Just my lame attempt to have an horror comedy

Reviews

[Different Wings]

I enjoy it. It could use some cleaning up (quotation ends, grammar, commas) but overall it's a fun start. Particularly good dialogue, although did lose track of who is who at some points. I hope to see more in the future! It's black comedy, and not un-clever.