My name is Hailey

i KNOW IT SOUNDS VAGUELY FAMILIAR( EVERYBODY TELLS ME THAT) BUT I REALLY DID MAKE THIS UP MYSELF.OH AND SORRY FOR THE CAPS BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS WRITING IN IT UNTIL A MINUTE AGO.

 my name is Hailey and I'm only twelve
last night my father beat me and it was like hell
as i screamed and showered in pain
i looked outside the window at the rain
wondering when is mammy coming home?
to see what this man has done to me
the next day at school i told me friends
and they told me to go tell
but i couldn't or otherwise
he might end up in jail
and then i came home just a little to late
and he started beating me as i wondered where is the hope where's the faith
when my mom came home that day
she had something on her mine she had to say
"i think its time we get a divorce"
but that only made things worse
i thought i was finally free
but he found this and wrote these last two lines for me:

my name is Hailey and I'm only 12
and last night my father murdered me.

Reviews

[Facade]

I really didn't care for it. I think that, as a poem, it needs a lot more in order to really make us feel for this Hailey (and I'm assuming it's a she for the rest of this post, as Hailey is an androgynous name and you never specified)

Anyway, it's far too short to convey any meaning while describing all of these events. I'd suggest getting specific. I'd suggest detailing a moment when he beat her, using metaphors/similes/imagery and other rhetorical devices (even go for all five senses, but don't go with the "taste of blood" kind, that's overdone as it is) to convey how horrible it is.

Perhaps go for a detailed description of the fight, of the murder, of the friends. That'll make it seem more powerful, if you ask me.

And the ending was a nice touch, in my opinion. I liked the him writing the final lines, though I think that you have one major problem: what twelve year old would write a poem detailing her horirble life instead of running away? Or helping her mom? I'm just saying that the idea that it's a poem seems really... weird. And her saying "he wrote these final lines for me" sounds... dumb. Was she writing it as he murdered her? Are they in blood or something? He just let her keep writing?

Anyway... I hope this helped.