untouchable

Untouchable

 

Every time I see you,

You always seemed bothered.

You have something on your mind.

But you choose not to grow a smile.

You give people looks,

You carry a melancholy tune.

I see sadness in your eyes.

And the cildness in your stance.

Everybody steers away from you.

Feelng you will strike at anytime.

giving out a roar,

That fears anyone crossing your path.

I don't know how you're feeling.

I just know you are in pain.

But you rather kep it inside.

And let it burn through your heart.

I've tried to show you love,

But it isn'r sinking in.

I am afraid to even kiss you.

Knowing you'll give me frostbite.

You never see the tears,

I have cried for you.

Or see how twisted,

I have become loving you.

I have to say good-bye

Because we will never be.

Sincerely, I label you...........

Untouchable

Reviews

[Lee Tran]

Alright, gotta work on repetition because the poem doesn't flow quite as good and some areas are forced.

"Every time I see you,

You always seemed bothered.

You have something on your mind.

But you choose not to grow a smile."

This part needs to be rewritten, too much repetition and it takes away the emphasis and quality of a poem.
We would want to put the main keynote to this poem, it'll be a strong connotation for the rest of the poem.
Example:

Bothered - something on your mind
every time I see you, but you choose
not to grow a smile.

I trimmed down the lines, and omitted the repetition. It flows better, its smooth and easy to comprehend.


"You give people looks,

You carry a melancholy tune.

I see sadness in your eyes.

And the cildness in your stance."

Once again repetition is prevalent in this part. As you can see with structure I'm breaking it down into stanzas of 3 lines each to separate an idea or thought.

I'm gonna rework this part:

Sadness - your eyes carry a melancholy
tune, frozen in stance, when
people look at you.

You can see the pattern I'm going with this. By using a focal verb or adjective in a stanza, you can sum up by omitting a few words, combining lines, and really emphasize the entire piece making it stand out from the rest. I'll let you work on it some more and feel free to comment back or post a new revision and we can go further. Have a good night!