after four months of her death

A Story by mystichaze

Hi everyone I hope u are all doing well....
I want to apologies in advance in this makes u sad or makes u cry thats not y im writing this....im writing this for me...im writing this to feel better

Its been four months since I last wrote here and ive been kinda avoiding this site so I wouldnt have to read my other writing..because it makes me sad...people told me that life will get better and that I would move on that life will heal the pain..that time will make things better..im here standing four months after it happened...four months after she left ...I and still feel the same way...I still feel like I did on that day...life has changed foe me very much ive met new friends ive let go of old ones..the one who were supposed to help me get through it rather then keeping my distance from me....everyday I wake up feeling like crap and I cant say anything to anyone cuz this world is too judgemental they think im over reacting.they think all I talk about now is mom...well guess what thats all I want to talk about..I want to mention her every day..because I miss her and I feel like if I don't mention her this selfish world will forget her...I've been living on my own these days because my sister-in-law got a job and in the afternoon she goes to this madrassa...and my dad has been keeping busy in his office doing overtime for the work he has missed in the last four years cuz of mama..and the free time he does have he spends it with his friend working in place of his brother who just passed away. ..so I live alone now..I went form living with 11 people in a hospital ward to living as 1...im tired and lonely and I want to die ....I want to crawl in a corner and cry my lungs out..which I do basically every day. ...am the worst part it no one know...people think im brave...which I kinda am in a few situations...but to be honest I miss mom..I miss my family time with my siblings....and I misss taking care of everyone..I miss my niece and my nephew...I wish I could just tell anyone how I feel but I cant put it to words...u might think im over reacting but im not..im 17 and im a girl who is living alone after her mom just died and her elder siblings moved out(cuz we all loved together to be with mom to spend time with her) and giving my Alevels and idk...this is not meant for anyone to sympathize me or pity me..this one I wrote for me because I cant tell anyone how I feel without putting them through a difficult time...her last days go through my head everything im alone...her face her smile her death body..her in a body bag...her face when I last kissed her..they pain in her eyes when I would help her walk when I would clean her or bathe her or help her anyways because she couldnt do anything. .her crying and screaming when she was in pain or qhen she was dillusional...the time when she was hilucinating and she thought she was going to die so she told me.she was going to die...the times when she laughed her butt off..the times when she asked me to pray for her the time qhen she last opened her eyes to see be..her last breath everyyyy freaking thing hurts and im dying tring to keep it all with me...yeah this is it I hope if u ever went through any loss or any of ur friends died through cancer...just know that u r not alone..