Chocolate Cake and Picnic Chairs

We sat in the garden

begging conversation's pardon

but we had other plans

It's not that we had nothing to talk of

Which let me know I was in love;

That your good-will kept me warm

No matter if the warmth doth wear

I'll still remember the picnic chair

And the taste of chocolate cake

Reviews

[Pencrafter]

I really enjoyed reading this poem. It's an unusual construct, with just the two first lines of each verse rhyming, but then the last line completes a thought. Your descriptions are clear, conveying both the color and feel of an outdoor scene, then the warm attraction of a friend, enjoyable as a serving of chocolate cake. Works for me.

[nevermindfan1991]

We sat in the garden
begging conversation's pardon
I’m not sure your use of the word
pardon here is correct. Maybe it is.
I’m trying to figure out what your saying here.
But, a very interesting setup.
but we had other plans
I would add punctuation throughout
just for convenience. Though
this was a very telling introduction
it was done well. It had rhythm and since
I know your a well-adept wordsmith
I do not mind it.

It's not that we had nothing to talk of
Which let me know I was in love;
Right here, I think you need a transition.
It all seemed sudden. Your use of a semicolon
does indicate these two “sentences” are related
but how? I think you should make this more clear.
That your good-will kept me warm

No matter if the warmth doth wear
I'll still remember the picnic chair
And the taste of chocolate cake
I think you need to expand on this poem all together.
The conclusion is not endearing because it seemed to come
out of no where. There was no set up and nothing leading up to this
point. Your use of the rhyme scheme in the last stanza screams significance
but it only seems convenient to me.



Paying attention to the fundamentals of good narrative allows a poet to chose what to include and what to leave out, when to summarize details, and when to depict the action moment by moment. We can think of a poem as a miniature play. The speaker steps in and begins to address us, or someone else, and thereby creates a person and a context. As when we see a character step on stage, when we see a poem on the page are expectations are heightened: We expect that what follows will somehow be significant, that what’s said will be distillation of thought and emotion and not merely prosaic ramblings. A poems aims for the permanent not merely the expedient.

[Charlotte Haran]

This is wonderful. The use of chocolate cake shows the reader that the issue you talk of was once rich and beautiful. A memory that we can all relate to in some way. An utterly beautiful read.