scared of writing the word love

'sometimes I have those days where I just want to shout to everything and everyone...'-something I wrote about love and stuff *contains one use of swearing*

sometimes i have those days where i just want to shout to everything and everyone and scream, 'HEY LOOK OVER HERE LISTEN HE ACTUALLY TALKED TO ME THIS TIME', because that means so much to me you don't know that the fact that you'd spend some of your time talking to a loser like me makes me so grateful because i don't like starting conversations because it makes me scared whether you care at all because if i could read your thoughts then i would but then i remember i don't want to intrude on you and i remember that i can't anyway and that i'm trapped in my own stupid thoughts and that i don't have the courage to even speak a word of this to anyone in fear of being teased because i'm still young but i don't have to be old to know that you make me happy and talking to you makes me happy that that i don't need to be old to write down or think that you are honestly one of the cutest human beings alive when you do your little bouncy walk or how you freak out when we talk about our favourite tv show coming back and i bet you that no-one really notices these things except for me because sometimes it seems like i've forgotten to breathe because i've been too busy thinking of you and i hope that this is what love is because i was told once that love is when you care too much and i care way too much about all of this and i know this is stupid because you're not going to even glance at me tomorrow and i've learnt that you don't stay the same from one day to the next and i know that you still hate me and believe me i hate me too, so i guess that's one thing we have in common apart from all the other things we have in common and i love to just talk to you about stuff that we like and just being with you makes me happy because that little chuckle makes my stomach do a little flip and your eyes make everything in the world seem softer to me and they make me not scared that i'm not good enough because if i get the opportunity to look into those astoundingly beautiful eyes that are life pools of darkness on some days and then detailed shimmering chestnuts the next for one second in my life then i know that i must mean even just a little bit in this damn world, my eyes could never do that to you because even though they are my favourite part of myself they could never compare to how i melt into yours and this makes me look lovesick and i know i am because i just want you to be here with me now but that could never happen because i'm just another person to you but oh how i wish meant something in your life and i wish to god that i wasn't just another on of those girls who you talk to and then just leave again and sometimes i'm sure i'm not because i've known you for three years and still after that first day of school you still somewhat talk to me and let me look in your eyes and the way you look at me sometimes makes me question whether i mean more but then the next day you'll ignore me and i'll know that i still don't mean anything to you and it burns how you don't know how much you mean to me and how you'll never know because i've been and always will be too scared of breaking what little relationship we have with each other and ending this all over again and i hate myself for how i took those days in the library for granted and those days where you'd watch me play bassoon and be in awe of me because now i'm sure we'll never get those days back and through all this i feel sure that you're still playing and toying with me just to watch me dance because how could you like me the way i do when i've never meant anything and that you've always been able to get someone better that you could and would go out with just one sentence but then i remind myself of again how surprised i am that you want to talk to me because i've said before that i hate you and i do sometimes because i hate how you make me feel and how you muck me up and how you reduce me to this but i like you far more than how much i hate you and even now i'm scared of writing the word love in fear that tomorrow you'll f**k me over again and ignore me like you always do and just walk right through me like you do every time things start to look brighter and i want to go to sleep now because i don't want to get too engrossed in this for fear that i'll delude my myself again and i'm going now, because i've forgotten what i was going to say next. oh the irony.

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[A. H. Pinley]

This is how you get your words out. Write them. Off the wall thoughts make for great story ideas.