Entry 2 ~ "I never want to go back."

7/17/19

Its been about a month since I created this outlet. I guess I can't really reflect with nothing to look back on. My fault. Anyway, what's been going on? Let's see. I am going back home next June. I have missed my friends and family so much. Its funny that I am actually excited considering the fact that last time someone asked me when I planned on going back I said, "I never want to go back." But hey, its different now! Now I have a reason...multiple. I never wanted to go back because I knew that eventually I will have to come back here, to Ohio, and have to say goodbye. The last time I did it tore my heart in half to see the tears in their eyes full of wonder and worry if they were ever going to see me again. To be honest, I didn't think i was. Well, at least that was the plan.

 I left in hopes of starting over and driving past the California line, I left the old me behind. Going back just didn't seem right even if it has been 2 (almost 3 years) since i left. I still feel scared like the old me and the things that I did will come back to haunt me. Regardless, I have made the final decision to go back and surprise everyone. I deleted all social media when I came here but sometimes I see pictures of family having fun at a BBQ altogether and it made me miss them. My cousins are most definitely taller and more crazy than when I left, that's for sure. Haha! I am a bit nervous to go back and am praying they don't attack me with questions I would rather not answer. In the end, I know for sure that it'll be hard to get on that plane to come back...but I am preparing myself for it. God knows I need to prepare for it. 

There is also 3 people I left behind that were so angry with me that I left the way I did. My best friends who I did everything with. Every single day since middle school. (P.S. We are now seniors in high school) Two of them are girls I will call Gina and Lupe. I met Lupe my first day of 8th grade when I moved to a new school after the death of my friend named Lexandra. She comforted me and basically saved me socially and mentally because I was NOT intent on making friends at that point in my life. She introduced me to Gina the next day and we all became closer as the weeks went by. Those two did not get along at all but at the end of the day they solved their problems (with a bit of my help) and we have been best friends till now. The third best friend is a boy I will call Angelo. We met him a year later when we all became freshman and he was already a sophomore. To be honest, Gina and Lupe did not like him at first but I convinced them to give him a chance and they did. Those 3 have a special power that can make me laugh in my most saddest points in my life. It has been a couple years since we all met and it has been the best to know they are by my side no matter how far across the country I run to. 

When I planned to move across the country I made the mistake of keeping it to myself until the week before I planned to leave. That week was full of their yelling and they tried to reason with me but for some reason nothing they said made me want to stay. I hated myself and wanted to disappear. Oddly enough, Angelo was the one who took it the hardest. He isn't one to express himself. He is very different from us and I don't know why he continued to be close friends with us. He is quiet and reserved and "cool" in a sense where we were lucky to even get him to like us, haha! I told him at school and he stayed quiet which was normal because he rarely said anything but he was WEIRDLY quiet. I could see in his face he wanted to say something but he just walked away. At that moment I felt like he hated me. I remember running to the bathroom with tears running down my face thinking that I just lost my best friend. The night I planned to leave I texted him to say sorry but I am leaving now. Next think you know he's calling my phone over and over and I refused to answer with tears in my eyes I knew he would tell me to stay. He then texted and said, "I just want to see you one last time and say goodbye...that's it. I'm ready and everything. Just tell me where you are." What I did next broke my heart more than I think it broke his. I texted back and said, "No. I'm leaving now. There is no room for your goodbye's!" He probably thought I hated him but in reality I couldn't handle anymore goodbye's, especially not his. 

Months passed after that night and I moved into my new home and got into my new school (which is full of stories for another time) with no contact from anyone in Cali. I had blocked all my close contacts including my best friends for 9 months. After 9 months I unblocked everyone and sure enough I get an anonymous call. I picked up and it was all 3 of them! They were all together when they seen that I had unblocked them. We all have been talking every single week for the past year and a half. I explained everything to them and everything is back to normal. I will see them in June and we are already making plans of all the placed we could visit again! When I came here I fell into this hole of pity and I felt sorry for myself. Why? No idea. But fast forward to now, i can say that I fought long and hard battles with myself and I am no longer who I was before. I will never go back to who I was before. Never. 

This My Journey~Entry 2. See you soon!