Only On The Inside

The first few lines just came to me and I guess just wrote from there. The title sucks. I know. It's the only thing I could think of.

Low and deep
A dreamless sleep.
To further wake never more.T
he darkness seeps,
the worms do feast,
As you search for Heaven’s door.
A lock.
A key.
A “never to be”
Still the world goes ‘round.
Beneath the earth,
A sudden quirk.
No one knows your name.
An unmarked grave,
It’s all the same.
They’ve never known you’re here.
Beneath the earth,
And frozen dirt…
You’ve been here all along….

In life your brighten soul was stale.
Left rusted by the night.
Your mind had held its sanity,
‘Til death had drunk it dry.
Obsessed with what you couldn’t have,
A constant wish to die.
To breathe among the clouds of smoke,
To live along the high.
But never could you forgive yourself,
For all the things you do.
For the selfishness and arrogance,
For every single lie.
For the hopelessness, the worthlessness, and the unhappiness.
It festered.

And all the disgusting things you do.
The things you did.
And will.
The pain you caused, the anger you feed.
And that constant wish to die.

The knowing that you’ve killed yourself.
Knowing that you will.
The pointless pain of killing them with all your bitterness.
The foolishness of optimism.
The stupidity of it all.

Deeper and deeper it claws out the heart…
Just to watch me fall.

Reviews

[Abigail Lee]

This is a very powerful and heartfelt piece, it seems, though there are a few things that I would like to point out about it that I am on the fence about. I think a few smaller stanzas are required for the first long part of this poem, though I'm not exactly for sure where because I don't know where you meant for some of the specific thoughts to end.

The line 'They've never known you're here.' sounds a bit awkward with the rest of the lines around it and I'm not for sure what could make it flow a bit smoother.

I really like the poem as a whole, but it almost seems as if it should be two different ones. It has two feelings about it that I can't quite describe, but one thing I do know is that the rhyme scheme is very well done until it abruptly stops, I'm on the fence about that as well.

Overall this is very well written and to be completely truthful I'm in a very talkative mood right now, therefore the very long critic; but I am in no way saying that this is bad or anything like that, in fact I really like it and it's mood. I hope you can come up with more things such as this in the future. ^^

[Juliet]

"In life your brighten soul was stale" Did you mean "brightened" ? Probably a typo, but I figured I'd ask.

I agree that this poem is extremely powerful. The feelings of this piece are conveyed really well because you don't give too much detail.

"The foolishness of optimism" is very strong. Probably my favorite line.
Great job. :)

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

I like it.
Great Job