Beyond The Grave, Inside The Mind

This poem is in the process of being published by a group here on the Cafe=).

Ignorance becomes the only key,
Time will be the other world.
Death will become serenity,
And life becomes a lie.
Trapped inside a lonesome world,
There is no escaping.
No escaping the shadows in the dark.
The demons in the sky,
The rotting of your heart.
Memory, as still as a large oak tree.
Awareness, as silent as this eternal slumber.
Alone and motionless,
They all know but you.
Rejecting the thought of breathlessness.
Ignoring the ice cold skin...
Everyone knows but you.
Faintly you remember the weeping of the past,
Though you are confused,
This confusion will not last.
When the life you held so close to you,
Finds it's path away.
Forever and for always, this box you'll always stay.
For what you have lost is life,
And what you have gained is death.
Traded warmth for the Kiss of Death,
Gave pain for the calming scent of sleep.
Locked the world away from you,
Beneath a foot of earth...
.....
You have lost nothing,
But have regained a forgotten friend.
"Do you remember me?"
It whispers as it takes you in it's arms.
You have ignored and thus forgotten the peace within the grave...
Still you hear the crying of those you held so dear...
See their weeping faces, as they are quickly drawing near..
You realize they mourn for you,
Death you now accept.
For who could stand on lifeless limbs than they who've lain to rest?

Reviews

[Dr. S. D. Blankenship P..]

Hm, this (as haunting as it is,) could do with some brushing up. In some places you have ending rhyme-scheme, in others, your word choice could do with some new vocabulary. Since (this) piece of poetry is rated adult--I would suggest using more mature language. (I. G. You grasp dejected nonentity,
But have recuperate a forgotten companion.
"Do you remember me?"
(try to leave off unknown nouns. As a form of It in this stanza) Whispers as it takes you in it's (It is, this is not acceptable it’s means it and is together in a compound word, here you must use “its” if you are going to use ‘it’ here) arms.
You have unnoticed and as a result, forgotten the peace within the sepulcher...
Notwithstanding, you heed the weeping of those you held so treasured...
See their lamentation faces, as they are quickly drawing reach..
You realize they bemoan for you,
Death you now accept.
For who(m) could stand on lifeless limbs than they who've lain to rest?)

Also, I found my attention span hard to control reading this, as though my mind was pondering over something else. Try to ease up on your story. A story/poem, takes time to develop, and a writer (no matter what) must not fall head over heels into the story, but however, must watch the story and explain the story plot as though you were seeing it unfold in-front of your own eyes. ]

In some parts of your poem you inquire newly subtitles that some countries, (I. G. French, U.K., and Germany,) might not understand, Hell, even some Americans wouldn't understand some of this slang, BUT, that is OK. As a writer you are entitled to use some slang--However, you have to make sure THE reader/reviewer, fully understands the Dialogue, (I. G.
Ignorance becomes the only key, (Ignorance becomes the only key-- The key to what?
Time will be the other world. (Time/space, is relative, not fiscal, there-for, it cannot be a world)
Death will become serenity,
And life becomes a lie. And life becomes a lie? What is the lie? What is the truth?
Trapped inside a lonesome world, (Lonesome would not make since to most try saying ‘Friendless’)
There is no escaping. Try saying (there is no escape to be found.)
No escaping the shadows in the dark. (Explain these shadows, and why they are in the dark.)
The demons in the sky, (What form of structure do these demons hold?
The rotting of your heart.
Memory, as still as a large oak tree.
Awareness, as silent as this eternal slumber. (Awareness to what? Do you know the eternal slumber is silent or is it unknown?)
Alone and motionless, (Some souls are not alone, and every corps has movement though the years, rotting skin, chipped bones, trapped gas, you know.)
They all know (,) but you. (Ok, who is ‘they”)
Rejecting the thought of breathlessness.
Ignoring the ice cold skin...
Everyone knows but you. (Again who is everyone, and what do they know that I don’t)
Faintly you remember the weeping of the past,
Though you are confused,
This confusion will not last.
When the life you held so close to you,
Finds it's path away.
Forever and for always, this box you'll always stay.
For what you have lost is life,
And what you have gained is death.
Traded warmth for the Kiss of Death, (Explain the kiss of death)
Gave pain for the calming scent of sleep. (Sleep has a scent?)
Locked the world away from you, (Whom has locked the world away?)
Beneath a foot of earth... (A corps usually is buried, 5.3 too 6.7 feet deep, so if this is a pun used for not only how the sprite is feeling, you should just say “Under the grass so far down, buried alive, or dead, no one else will ever know.)

I hope that this helps. I will look in on your writings from time to time (if you would like me too) and I will give you positive feed back, (Not all ways the nicest, or the best, but it's the best I've got...)
~S. D. Blankenship

[xxx]

Ignore that pompous jerk before me. I happen to like your word choice. Poetry is about understanding what the author wants you to, not running to a dictionary every few words. You, as always, have done a lovely job with your poem, Ashley. Keep up the good work :)

[rosemary keogh]

Wow this is amazing. Really enjoyed this deep and powerfull peice. Thank you

[joshua deathdealer]

I love the intensity in this write.
"Do you remember me?"
It whispers as it takes you in it's arms.
Really enjoyed those lines..xx

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

Pure uninterupted emotion and raw imagery that grinds the words into the reader, well done, great read.

[Passingdaze]

An amazing effort. The whole piece is high in emotion and intensity,it drew me in and never let me go. The imagery is fantastic and the meaning very relevant. Thumbs way up!!!

[Kiddx]

This is so wonderful and so full of emotion I like your write here

You have lost nothing,
But have regained a forgotten friend.
"Do you remember me?"
It whispers as it takes you in it's arms.
You have ignored and thus forgotten the peace within the grave...

These lines here are powerful and just stand out.

[Kitty Forzaken]

I love this!
The core of my soul tells me how much I love this..

amazing my friend..

[darkgurl]

WOW! this is wonderful, full of emotion really, It's also very unusal as well as being usal, You take into perspective where a person can see all the imagary all played out. very well written.

[Blue Sky]

This is incredible
takes one beyond
it's deserves to be in the bindings for public eye,
very beautifully pieced, packed solid with great images

you have a great talent!!

Rena~